Taking a Step

I did something last night that I never, in a million years thought that I would do. . .

I was chatting with my sister via Yahoo! Messenger. . .

And we were just talking about various things.

Then we were talking about Dad. The 25th anniversary of his death was this past Monday. . . And she asked me if I remembered the night he died.

I responded with a yes.  I was thinking about all the things I have shared here about that night.

She asked if I kept a journal.

I was hesitant.  Because I don't in the respect that I have a book in which I write my thoughts and feelings.

I told her no.

And then changed it to "But I do have a blog and have shared some things on there."

We talked a little more and then I decided to share a post with her.

This is big for me people.  I have kept this space here to myself since I started it.

No one outside of Randall and Kaylee know about this space.

And I shared it with my sister.

Told her that I wanted her to look around.

Read my stories.

See me.




Hi sissy.

I want you to know that you will find some links that will take you to a blank page. That is because I took the post down, a few months ago, as I didn't feel they should be displayed any longer.

Nothing against anyone.  No bad words have been spoken. I just didn't want them to be "out there" any longer.

There are stories here that will probably surprise you.  Things that I did as a teenager that no one knew about. . .

But I want you to know.  These stories are me.  My thoughts.  My feelings. Me.

I want to list some posts out for you. . .  I hope that's OK.

• No Contact
• Unexpected Lessons
• There is Me
• Holding on to Hope
• Shadows from the Past
• Taking a Stand
• Beyond the Cracks

And a couple of funnies:

• She Dropped a Bomb
• The Elephant in the Room
• Release the Krackens!!
• Yeah, that's awkward. . .

There is more here.  Just take your time and look around. . .

If you want to that is.

Thanks for taking a little time to see me.

Love you.

Me.

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Ten Thought Tuesday

Hey there people!

Today is ever loving Tuesday!

Also? This is a short week due to Thanksgiving being on Thursday.

But let's focus on today, shall we?

It is Tuesday.

My lovely day to throw the random at you.

Ready or not, here we go:


10. My period was kind enough to show itself on Sunday. Thanks for that Mother Nature.  I have had increasingly painful cramps since then. Awesome.

9.  I talked to my sister on Sunday.  We talked for almost 2 hours. TWO HOURS. I know she doesn't realize it, but in that time she made me feel guilty no less than five times.

8.  I also blame her for my period starting.  Because, obviously.

7.  I was actually surprised to hear from her. It had been well over a month since we had last spoke.

6.  She called to tell me that our step-dad was having surgery (today) for a pacemaker for his heart.  She also called to vent. And in the process make me feel bad.

5.  She is her mother's daughter.

4.  I am not even slightly prepared for Thanksgiving.  Apparently the MIL and I are going to tag team cooking turkey day dinner.  I am less than thrilled.

3.  I guarantee that I end up getting aggravated because she is somewhat control-ish in the kitchen.  She will end up doing EVERYTHING and I will end up being pissed off.

2.  Or things could go smoothly and all will be right with the world.  You never know.

1.  I started taking new meds for my diabetes. . .  And so far they seem to be working well.  My blood sugar has been staying relatively low. YAY! So there is some positive in all the negative that I'm swimming in.

How about you?  

What's your random?

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Ten Thought Tuesday

I see by the calendar hanging on the wall that it's Tuesday.

You know what Tuesday used to mean around these parts, right?

Random thoughts listed (usually in ten).

Oh, you remember now?

Thaaaaaat's right. 

TEN THOUGHT TUESDAY!

I have not done one of these in eons and thought it might be time to resurrect it.

Are you ready?

Here we go:

10. Hurricane Sandy. The Frakenstorm. So much devastation up and down the east coast. I can do nothing but say a few prayers that everyone is able to survive the storm.  

9. It is the day before Halloween . . . and we're still not really clear on what Kaylee is going to be. Talk about procrastination.

8.  If procrastination were a job, I would be the top-paid employee.  Hands down.

7.  Kaylee has been practicing almost every day after school for a Veteran's Day assembly for school.  The kids have been practicing marching. . .  And it has been said that they will be dressed up in marching outfits and everything.  

6.  Also? There will be singing. Lots of singing.  I know this because Kaylee has been singing the national anthem NON-STOP.

5.  While I love my country AND my daughter. . .  I am not loving the national anthem being sung over and over and over again.

4.  I might be a curmudgeon. 

3.  Being a curmudgeon might make finding and keeping a job hard.

2.  Oh yeah-- I am actively looking for a job.  Because we desperately need the extra money.

1.  I have a few applications in but so far, no bites.  Hopefully I can find something soon.  Keep your fingers crossed for me. Please?

What's your random?

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Let me be

You know what?

I have not posted anything since. . .  Since when exactly?

*pauses to look it up*

I haven't posted anything since September 28th.  

It is now October 28th. 

That's a whole freaking month!

It's not that I haven't had anything to say.  It's that I haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want.  

There is nothing 'new' going on.  Life is the same as it has been the last few years.

Struggle, worry, stress. Repeat.

I know I'm not the only one with struggles so I try to leave them off the blog.  Although I am certain that my struggles are not the same or even as normal as those that other people have.

My husband is sick.

We are struggling with bills.

We need more money coming in.

I am fairly sure that I am clinically depressed, even though it hasn't been diagnosed.

I am sick of my in-laws.

I am semi-actively looking for a job even though I feel as though I shouldn't be the only motherfucker in this house looking for one.

I stay aggravated.  I stay agitated. I stay grumpy.

There are times that I can cry at the drop of a hat.  I hate to cry.  It leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable.

In that moment when the tears start to roll down my face, I feel like I am breaking. 

I am not weak.

I have dealt with more shit in my 34 years than most people have even dreamed about.

I am not inadequate.

I am strong.  I am a survivor.

When the tears start to fall, that is my soul trying to heal from all the pain and heartache that I have seen in my lifetime.

Don't judge me.  Don't look at me with pity.

Let me be. Let the tears flow uninterrupted. 

Let me heal the best way I know how.

Let me cry.

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Karma Kickback

We've been living in the land of WA for just over five years now. We have had our share of good moments and bad moments with the bad mostly outweighing the good. It has been hard living out here. There was the year we spent living in a motel because the situation at the house we were staying at (which was R's cousin) turned extremely dangerous. So Randall, Kaylee, the in-laws and myself squeezed into a tiny two room motel room for a year. It was stressful, to say the least. I have been convinced since then that I never want to stay with extended family ever again. And yet here I am stuck with the in-laws. There was a pregnancy that was unexpected but filled us with joy. There was happiness for Kaylee, that she was going to be a big sister. . . And then there was a miscarriage which had to have been the worst one (out of five) that I have ever experienced. I believe wholeheartedly that that was my last chance to ever conceive again. There have been bad decisions made by some people in this family (I wont name anyone but it isn't me. Heh.) There has been sickness. SO MUCH SICKNESS. I have seen the inside of more hospitals than I care to admit. But all these things, instead of making us despise each other have brought us closer. Made our relationship stronger. Made me love harder and fight for what I believe in. We have struggled. We ARE struggling. I sense a change is near. The struggles, the hardships, have all been for a reason. It's about time that Karma came back and hit us with the good. We are more than ready for it.

**********************************

Pouring my heart out with Shell today.  

Because sometimes you just have to let go of what's resting on your heart.

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Random Friday Thoughts

I have not had the want nor the desire to blog the last couple of weeks.

Not sure what that's all about. . .

But here are some random things that are going on right now:

• After feeling bad for two days, I finally talked Randall into going to the ER this afternoon.  I know he didn't really want to go but I also know he didn't want to wait until things started going bad.
• Been trying to keep Kaylee occupied by letting her spend the night at various friend's houses.  
• School can not start soon enough for this tired Mama.
• I've been thinking a lot the last few days about the past.  I know I shouldn't because the past is exactly that. The past. I can't help but wonder about the "what ifs" of life.
• My Mom is an expert at making me feel bad. Seriously. I talked to her yesterday and she mentioned that she wished she could see Kaylee in person no more than 9487563885 times. Really. Until my rich uncle gets out of the poor house? Cross country trips will not be happening.
• Of course I didn't actually SAY that to her. But I thought it. Several times.
• I've been having trouble sleeping. . .  Making my bedtime anywhere between 2 and 5 AM.  Because sleep is overrated. Or something.
• I have said "I need a vacation" more than once to Randall in the last three weeks.  Because I do.  I need to getaway.  Just me.  By myself.  Doing nothing. And taking care of no one but myself.

And that is just some of the random running through my brain right now. . .

Enjoy your weekend folks!

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Parenting Fail

I don't remember ever reading or being told that parenting is easy.

So let's just put that to bed right this second.

Parenting is hard.

Really freaking hard.

There are no manuals.  I don't care how many books you read while you were pregnant.  None of them explain to you how hard parenting is really going to be.

You never dream, not even for an instant, how much your life is going to change as you are pushing your baby through your vagina (or having your baby pulled from your uterus if you had a C-section).

With all this being said, my daughter is ten.

And everyday she makes me feel like I am failing as a mother.  Everyday.

I am always not doing something right.

I will tell you this, I am extremely lenient.  Extremely.

I let her play outside with her friends.  I let her ride her bike around the block.

I let her do most of the things that I wasn't allowed to do at her age.

I was restricted to playing in the back yard.  


I wasn't allowed to go to any of my friend's houses to play.


I could only ride my bike in the driveway.

So I have tried to let her have a little bit of freedom.  I have tried to just let her be a kid.

The biggest issue we are having is bedtime.

Another thing we have been lenient on.

During school through the week bedtime is nine o'clock.  And on the weekends (Friday and Saturday) she gets to stay up until 11.

So far this summer, the earliest she has made it to bed has been midnight.  Sometimes she stays up even later than that.

I know I am being judged right now.  I know it.

You probably think I am some horrible mother for not adhering to a strict bedtime.

You are thinking to yourself, "YOU are the cause of your bedtime issue so you need to quit bitching about it."

It's OK.  You can judge.  I am woman enough to handle it.

Really.

It's not the actual bedtime that is bothering me.  It's the attitude that is given when she is told that it's time to go to bed.

It doesn't matter what time it is.  She whines and moans.

She equates staying up late to being an adult.

And I don't know what to do.

I am at the end of my parenting rope.

Screaming and yelling do nothing.

Sitting and talking does nothing.

I am at a loss.

I need help.

I've learned in ten years that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

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Summer is Here. Sort of. . .

Hey there.

How are things going?

I hope your summer is going well.

Ours just started.

Kaylee's last day was the 25th. This past Monday.

Today is Wednesday AND SHE IS ALREADY BORED!

Fuck.

It's promises to be a LONG summer break.

September can not get here soon enough.

I have plans.

I just can't seem to find the motivation to get up and do them.

I want to exercise more.  More precise, I want to start a walking routine.

I walked almost two miles on Saturday. And haven't walked any since.

Hopefully I can find a way to get motivated.

OH. . .

I almost forgot.

During Kaylee's last full week of school, there was a talent show.  To which Kaylee was a part of.

She sang.

Oh people, she sang her heart out.

If you have a moment, check her out.

I am SO very proud of her.  She did something that I would not have had the guts to do.

This video was taken with my phone, so excuse the suckiness. Just listen.

And hold on to your pants. They're about to be blown off.

Promise.

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My Rock

The pain started in his back, just under his left shoulder.  We didn't really worry about it overmuch. .

He thought it was a pinched nerve.  It was acknowledged and we moved on about our business.

As the evening wore on the pain increased and started to move.

It wrapped around to his chest.

Shooting, stabbing pains.

We both became concerned when nothing we tried made the pain go away.

So in the middle of the night an ambulance was called and he was rushed off to the hospital.

It was there that we learned that he was, in fact, having a heart attack and would need to have an angiogram.

Right then.

No waiting.  From the ER to the Cath Lab in the span of a couple of hours.

There were two blockages that needed to be fixed immediately with stents. A third blockage was found but wasn't bad enough to need attention at that time.

I sat alone in the waiting room worrying that I might not see him again.

Exhausted from spending the night in the emergency room.

Stressed out from not really knowing what to expect.

That was almost three years ago.

It will be exactly three years on June 7th.

You know what's ironic?  On June 7th, Randall will be having an angiogram done.

Exactly three years to the day that he had a heart attack.

His anniversary.

Recent tests have given his cardiologist reason to believe that there may be more damage to his heart.  That the third blockage may be causing him grief now.

He may need another stent.

He may need to have by-pass surgery.

We won't know 'til the doctor is able to take a look.

The doctor is calling this preventative care.  If this were to go untreated it may end with another, more devastating, heart attack.

I am feeling all the emotions that I felt three years ago.

Shock that this is happening.

Worry that they will find something worse than what we are preparing for.

Apprehension that they will take him back and I won't see him again.

That is my biggest fear.  And while I am trying to push that thought to the very back of my mind, into the deepest, darkest recesses, it's still there.

I can not lose him.

He can not leave me.

That is selfish of me.  I don't care.

We have been through way too much for it all to end here, now.

We deserve to grow old together.

I don't think he realizes that as much as he needs me, I need him more.

I need him to be here.

I need him to be my best friend.

My shoulder to cry on.

My confidant.

My rock.

********************

Linking up with Shell today.

Go see what others are sharing, won't you?

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With Him

I am spent.

I am not sure that I have the ability to be "the strong one" any more.

It is of no news to anyone that Randall is not a well man.  He has many, many issues.

In 2009 he had a heart attack.  At the age of thirty-five.  He also had to have two stents placed into the arteries around his heart in order to help open up the blockages.

That was three years ago.  And he is having troubles with his heart again.

It was confirmed last week (as he went to the hospital with mild chest discomfort) that he has in fact had another heart attack sometime within the last three years.  As I type this, he is at the hospital because he started having chest pains again.

I am trying to hold it together.  Really, I am.

But I am scared.

Scared that he is going to run out of chances at living his life.

He doesn't exercise.  He smokes.  He is diabetic.  He stays stressed out.

There is only so much I can do.  I am not his mother and I am not his keeper.

He is an adult and he is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Or at least that's what he tells me.

Hopefully his eyes will be opened and he will do what needs to be done so that he can watch his little girl grow up.

I don't want her to grow up without a daddy.

I want to spend my life with him.

Grow old and gray with him.

Share remembered stories with him.

Laugh and smile and giggle with him.

Take the trips that we've dreamed about with him.

Hold our first born grandchild with him.

Please God, Open his eyes and make him see that he is running out of chances.

We need him more than he realizes

***************************

Pouring my heart out with Shell today. . .

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Faded and Worn

Oh my God, I miss him more than anyone knows.

Time has flown and it all still feels like yesterday. . .

The wound has healed but it still hurts.

My heart aches over the loss of my Father.  Almost twenty five years later, I still miss him as much now as I did then.

Today would have been his 73rd birthday.

And I didn't remember it.  A status from my brother on Facebook honoring our father on his day had me in tears.

How could I forget?

And then I start thinking, that isn't the only thing I have forgotten.

I don't remember what his voice sounds like.

I can no longer remember the date that he married Mom.

I don't remember the sound of his laugh or any mannerisms that may have stood out to others.

The harder I try to remember the more I seem to forget.

My memories of him are like an old photograph, faded and worn.

A handsome young man at 18. . .

Love you, Dad.  You are loved and missed by many, many people.

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They say hindsight's 20/20. . .

Ahh 2011.  It is no secret that I am happy to see you go. . .

But I figured I would do a year in review of sorts. . .

Some favorite posts of mine from each month that has gone by. . .


This time last year Randall was in the hospital fighting a flare up of gastroparesis.  So already things are starting to look up.

In January we had several visits to the hospital and I wrote about the one time that I let my armor crack.  I also had a talk with Kaylee about boobs.  That girl is something else.

In February, I realized that I have the tools at hand to keep Kaylee in the loop, where her Daddy is concerned, when he is sick and in the hospital.

March rolled around and with the nudging from a friend, I tried writing with The Red Dress Club (now known as Write on Edge).  My first attempt was writing memoir about a room from my past.  A few days later I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried my hand at fiction.  A fiction post about water. . .  How it can give life or how it can take life away. . .

March is also my birthday month, so I shared a memory from my nineteenth birthday.  The memory of a gift given that I wasn't totally prepared for. . .

April. . .  Well, April I didn't  blog very much.  But I did find some new found respect for my MIL.  I also went on a field trip with Kaylee's class to a local rock quarry and found an awesome rock.  There also may have been a post about Kaylee being able to peel the paint off the walls with her farts. . .  But don't take my word for it.  Heh.

In May we celebrated Kaylee's ninth birthday.  I also wrote about losing touch with my BFF from high school, missing my sister and making one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.

June brought around me complaining about the weather, my first guest post and the last day of school.

In July, I talked about the Fourth, Ten Thought Tuesday style.  I also talked about how I'm not a fan of other people's kids, how one time, I thought Taco Bell was feeding hookers and then I got serious and talked about one of my miscarriages. . .

August brought around another bout with pneumonia for my Mom.  She was hospitalized.  It also showed me the dysfunction that is my family.

September came around with the first day of school.  Kaylee got sick half-way through the month and about drove me nuts and I wrote a letter to my Mom.

I spent the beginning part of October avoiding everything and ended it looking for my voice. . .

We started November off with an awkward and embarrassing moment.  Then I was diagnosed with diabetes.  And I ended the month wondering something that I think every Mom wonders at least once while their kids are growing up. . .

December started with a giggle {because I might be a little crazy} and I like to tweet.  I shared memories from a day that changed my life forever.  I also shared memories from a time when I made some pretty bad decisions.


And that wraps up the year.

It wasn't as bad as I remember it being.

But I am still ready to see 2011 hit the road.

How about you?

********

I chose prompt #1, This year in blog posts. . .  Choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share.

I admit that I cheated.  I chose more than one.

Sue me.

Pretty sure I've done worse.

Heh.

Happy New Year!  ;)

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Memories that will never fade

"I'll see you in the morning, Daddy!"

Those were the last words that I spoke to my Dad the night that he died.

His words to me?

"I hope so."

I look back on that night now, as an adult, and realize that he knew.

He knew he would not be there the next day.

There are so many things that I wish I would have said.  So many things that I wish I would have done.

So many regrets.

Why didn't I go give him a hug and kiss before I went to bed that night?  Because I thought he would still be there.

I remember that night like it happened yesterday.

Being woke up by the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs.  


Being scared.


Not knowing what was going on.


Hearing the words "I'm sorry Ma'am, he's gone.  There's nothing we can do."



Hiding under the covers as a fireman came and closed my bedroom door.


My world crashing down around me.


My brother carrying me downstairs and telling me that our father just died.


Uncontrollable tears.


Watching as my dad's body was brought downstairs on a stretcher and then taken out to an ambulance.


It being so very cold.


Sitting in a dark living room all alone as my Mom, brother and sister all sat in the kitchen talking.


Feeling lost and confused and alone.

Many memories have faded as the years have gone by.  But not these.

These memories will be with me for the rest of my life.

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Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I love you.  No matter what, you are my Mom and I will love you forever.

I know that you are counting on us coming back to Ohio.  I don't want to hurt your feelings.  That is the last thing I would ever want to do.  But I need you to know that we won't be able to move any time soon.

The truth is, I really don't want to move again.  You have told me time and time again that we need to settle and put our roots down and show some stability for Kaylee.  I completely agree with you.  I told Randall from the time we half-ass starting planning the move to Washington, that I was done with moving.  That I would not do another cross-country move again.  And I meant it.  

You know as well as I do that it isn't easy to just 'up and move' once your child is in school.  Look at all the years you put off moving to Tennessee because you didn't want to take me out of the school I was in.  All those years that held you there in Ohio.  Although I believe you never really wanted to move anyway.

That is where I am now.  I am not necessarily happy with where we are or the current situation that we are in but I don't see how moving across the country, to start over yet again, will make things any better than what they are already.  

Contrary to what you might believe, I like it here.  I like all the green and the lakes and the rain and the clouds.  I am happy living here.

I have always heard that home is where the heart is.  My heart is here in Washington.  

I hope that you understand this decision and stand behind me in making it.

Love you,

Stasha

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On My Mind

Yeah.

I am running behind today.

Shit happens.  Deal with it.  {God knows I have to. Heh.}

It is Tuesday.

And time for random thoughts.

Ready?

Here we go:


10.  Kaylee stayed home from school again today.  I am SO freaking ready for her to go to school.

9.  She is turning into a wench bag.  {She may or may not get that from me.  But you didn't hear that from me.  Heh.}

8.  I am turning into one of those people who bitch about the weather no matter what it is.

7.  Just wait til rainy season starts.

6.  I am trying to get shit done.  Unfortunately, I feel like I am being held back.

5.  I made my own version of mac & cheese last night.  It was YUMMY.

4.  I wish I had more of a chance to cook.  My MIL does 98% of the cooking.

3.  I could say something but then it might start an argument.  I don't want to waste my energy.  I am trying to focus on keeping the peace.

2.  I am trying to be upbeat and positive.

1.  That is easier said than done.  Seems like a big cloud of negative follows me wherever I go.

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Finding Our Groove

So thankful that it's Friday.

We now officially have a full week of school under our belts.

Our morning routine pretty much goes off without a hitch.

Get up, brush teeth, get dressed and head out the door.

Breakfast is eaten at school.

Mornings are as close to perfection as they can be.  Knock on wood.

It's the night routine that has me seeing red every.single.night.

The routine itself doesn't change.

Jammies on, brush teeth, straighten up bed (sheets and covers), and tell everyone good night.

You would think that I am asking Kaylee to cross a hot lava river.  She drags her feet.  Procrastinates.  Gives me attitude.

It has gotten to where I have Randall tell her it's time to get ready for bed because she doesn't give him any shit about it.

When I ask her it is as if she becomes deaf.  Or, she starts whining.

I hate whining.  I would rather poke my eardrums out with sharpened pencils than listen to her whine.

I have asked her on several occasions if she would like some cheese with her 'whine'.  To which she replies, "Sure!" every time.

What a smart ass.  {Don't know where she gets that from. Heh.}

I get angry about the attitude she gives me.  She pouts.  And sometimes squeezes out a tear or two.

That makes me feel bad.

I take a few breaths as she procrastinates brushes her teeth and then I apologize.

I give her a hug and tell her I love her.  Tell her that the routine hasn't changed in years, she knows what to do and when to do it and I shouldn't have to get on to her the way that I do.

By the time she gets in bed?  It is always about 30 minutes past her bed time.

Every night.

She is not stupid by any means.

She knows exactly what she is doing.

What she doesn't understand is that she is the one who is suffering because of her own stubbornness.

I have told Randall that when she hits the teenage years?  He is on his own.  She and I already butt heads and she is only nine.

I shudder to think what she will be like as a teenager.

What do I do?  Am I too lenient with her?  Any suggestions as to how I can get her in bed on time??

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Ten Thought Tuesday: Random and a Question

It's Tuesday!

You know what happens on Tuesday, don't you?

That's right.

Randomness.

Ready for the ride?

Here we go:



10.  School starts next Wednesday.  September 7th.

Yes.  I am officially counting down.

Kaylee and I are both so freaking excited for school to start back up.

9.  Our neighbor has 2 kids who Kaylee plays with at least 4 days out of the week.  Said neighbor has also taken Kaylee to two movies, the beach AND took her shopping when she went shopping for her girls.  Kaylee came home with a pair of jeans and a shirt.  I was shocked.

She has asked for nothing in return.  Nothing.

Kaylee will be walking the girls to school in the mornings.  And I am thinking about offering to babysit the girls if she ever needs it.

8.  It's rare these days to find someone who gives without really wanting anything in return.

7.  Talked to Mom on the phone yesterday.  She sounded better than she did before.  I was also talking to my sister via IM at the same time.

6.  If anything?  Mom being sick has brought me and my sister closer together.

5.  That makes me happy.  Probably more than anyone knows.

4.  Last week, the community center in our neighborhood had a "Back to School BBQ".  There were school supplies given away and clothes.  It was nice.

3.  With what I already had and with what was given?  I only have to buy maybe two things to complete Kaylee's school supply list.  That is awesome.

2.  Did I mention that I am counting down the days?

I did?

Yeah, well I am ready for school to start back.

1.  I have been tossing around the idea of having a guest poster once a week.  Like maybe on Fridays.

Who wants to be first?

Seriously.

Any takers?

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Ten Thought Tuesday: Evening Babble Edition

Hey.

It's Tuesday.

Are you ready for my randomness?

Hope so.

Here we go:


10.  My Mom has been out of the hospital for about a week.  She is temporarily staying with my sister.  Last I heard?  She is doing well and getting stronger everyday.  Thank God.

9.  I think my sister may have bit off more than she can chew though.

8.  I am still surprised at and dealing with, some of the things I have learned about in the last 2 weeks.

7.  Sometimes I wonder if I was better off not knowing.

6.  Now all I do is worry.  {More than what I normally do.}

5.  Totally addicted to the show True Blood.  One of few shows that Randall and I both enjoy.

4.  I am seeing that a lot of folks are experiencing BACK TO SCHOOL already.  {DUN DUN DUN}

Still waiting for September here people.

3.  Am I the only one who has noticed the overabundance of "reality" TV shows?  How many pawn stores need a show?  How many storage auction shows do there need to be?  How many repo shows are there?

2.  Um.  I may or may not watch all or most of those shows.

1.  I am still easily distracted.  Between twitter, TV and general life?  It has taken me an hour to write this post.

Oooo look!

Something shiny!

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Ten Thought Tuesday: Eye Opening

It's Tuesday.

Right?

It is Tuesday isn't it?

OK, good.  I thought so.

I have not done a Ten Thought Tuesday in a while.  Figured I would today.

You're welcome.

Come along for the ride, won't you?


Here we go:

10.  There is so much stuff going on right now that I can't tell if I'm coming or going.

9.  I have found out things in the past few days that have left me in a state of shock.  I feel like I have been living in a dream world.  And I guess when you can only talk to someone by phone, you are.  You can only go by what you are told and how the person you are talking to sounds.

8.  I am angry with myself for allowing the wool to be pulled over my eyes.

7.  I have talked more with my sister in the last week than I have in the last 4 years.  It is awesome and bittersweet at the same time.

6.  That being said, I feel really bad for my sister.  She is dealing with way more shit than what I had ever imagined.

5.  I have made a decision based on some of the things I have learned lately.  Nothing major. . .  But the thoughts I had about moving back east?  Not going to happen any time soon.  The situation we are in here?  Is nothing compared to the situation that we would be in back home.

4.  That says a lot.  Especially if you have read through the older stuff I have posted.

3.  Last week kicked off with a night spent in the ER with Randall.  Happy to say that this week did not start out the same way.

2.  We are counting down the days until school starts.  September 7th can not get here soon enough.

1.  Speaking of which, I need to hunt down the list of school supplies and see what we need to pick up.  I don't think we need to buy very much this year.  *happy dance of joy*

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Dysfunction

I have always known it.

For years I have known.

It has taken me this long to finally accept that my family is dysfunctional.

You know my relationship is strained with my sister.  I have shared that pain with you.

It is worse with my brother.

It doesn't help that my Mom is sick.  She almost died three years ago from pneumonia, congestive heart failure and COPD.  

It doesn't help that I am so far away.  I can not do anything from here.  There is no way for me to help.

It pisses me off to find out four days after the fact that my siblings feel that Mom should have maybe went to the hospital but didn't take her because they felt doing so would upset her and make her worse.

It pisses me off that no one called {so what if you didn't have our new number.  there are ways of getting it.}.

It pisses me off that no one EMAILED me that night or the next day.

It pisses me off that I am told through a message on Facebook.

Yes, I replied back.

Yes, it was very hard for me to be civil.  

It pisses me off that, my brother was so nonchalant about it when I called him Wednesday evening.  He is of the opinion that there is nothing else that can be done.  Why make Mom angry by forcing her to go to the hospital?  She has an appointment on the 17th.  It basically felt like he could have cared fucking less.

It hurts me that my brother acted more bothered by the fact that I called him than he did about Mom being sick.

It hurts me that my brother probably didn't save the phone number even after I told him to.  

It hurts me that I am an afterthought.  

It hurts me that he thinks so little of me that he didn't even know that I replied to his Facebook message.

All of this?  Is why I haven't been around much.  This is the bullshit I am dealing with.

I am worried about my Mom.

I don't think she will be around much longer.

I am trying to wrap my head around that.

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