There is me


I am 22 years old.

I am empowered.

I have made a life changing decision.

I have finally found the words to tell my husband that I am not happy and I want out.  That I want a divorce.

Not long after this decision has been made I find out that I am pregnant.

I am not happy about this pregnancy.  This is not the right time to be pregnant.

I have just turned my life upside down.

I tell my soon to be ex about this turn of events.

He is elated.  He thinks this means reconciliation.

I immediately stop him in his tracks.

I am not in love with him.  Being pregnant does not mean that the marriage is saved.

I weigh my options.

I can have the baby.  

I can put the baby up for adoption.

I can have an abortion.

I consider all these options.

If I have the baby, I will basically be raising a child on my own.  Plus I know the ex will want visitation and possibly share custody.  That means this child will be shuffled back and forth between homes until he/she turns eighteen.

I do not think that is fair.  

If I give the baby up for adoption, I know in my heart I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I made the right decision.  I will wonder if my child, who is no longer mine, is OK.  I will wonder if this child really does have a better life than what I could have given.  I will wonder if this child hates me because I gave him/her away.

I do not think this is fair.

If I have an abortion, there will be no baby.  There will be no fighting with the ex.  There will be no worrying about the child.  

I always thought that I had morals.

I had always told myself that if I was ever in a situation like this, that I would choose life.  Always.

I take a little time to think.  I tell no one outside of the ex.  

No.  I take that back.  I had just started talking to Randall on the phone and out of the blue blurted it out to him.  Not sure why.

Anyway.

Aside from the ex and Randall?  No one knows.  I keep this secret to myself.  

Anyone who knows me well?  Knows that there is something going on.

I finally make a decision.

I choose to have an abortion.

I am not happy with this decision but out of the three, it is the best decision for me.

I find a clinic and make an appointment.

I tell the ex my decision.

He is not happy.

He argues with me.  He tells me that he should have some sort of say in the matter.

I argue back.  I tell him that it is my body and my choice.  That this is my decision and I am sticking with it.  That if he wants to he can come with me to my appointment.

He decides to come with me when the big day arrives.  Only to leave me sitting there by myself right before I am taken back.

I am scared.  I am worried.  And I am alone.

But really, I should have expected this.  Why would I think he would want to be there?

The procedure happens.

Even though I have been told what to expect I am nervous.

The nurse and doctor are cold, unfriendly.

I am uncomfortable.  

I am told to relax, that everything will be over soon.

There is pain.

There is sadness.

There is me.  

I am all by myself.  

In more ways than one.




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My Ponderings

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