Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: gastroparesis

Showing posts with label gastroparesis. Show all posts

Lost: My Compassion

It is really late Sunday night.

Or very early Monday morning. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

My FIL had to take Randall to the ER tonight. {I choose Sunday night since I haven't been to bed yet.}

I may have been very unsympathetic towards him and how he was feeling. Please don't judge me. Randall has had gastroparesis for almost 3 years now. I spent the first year and a half a worried, compassionate mess. I finally learned the best way to get him to the hospital was to be stern with him. Otherwise I would probably be close to insanity by now.

I may have yelled at him when he was feeling the worst.

I may have told him that I didn't want to go to the hospital with him.

I think we can all agree that I was being a bitch.

The thing is, if you have not been through one of Randall's sick episodes? You have no clue how traumatic they are for everyone.

He runs to the bathroom and vomits. . . Kaylee starts to cry.

He comes into the bedroom mutters an "I'm OK." and falls into bed. He complains about the pain he is in and complains about the nausea. Five minutes later he is running back to the bathroom. Kaylee starts to cry again.

I tell her to not cry. I tell her that we have been through this several times before. I tell her that she knows Daddy isn't well and that sometimes his tummy doesn't act right.

I get her calmed down in time for Randall to come out of the bathroom, looking like shit warmed over.

I start out asking him if he wants to go to the hospital. His answer is always "NO".

I have enough time to say the words "I really think you should go" and he is off to the bathroom again.

His puking sessions are violent and loud.

Kaylee starts to cry.

By this point I am irritated. This is where I lose any and all compassion.

I become downright mean.

I yell at Randall. I yell at Kaylee.

To my amazement Randall says he will go to the hospital. He asks his Dad to take him. {Because honestly, I am being a bitch at this point. I wouldn't want me going either.}

Which brings me to where I am now. Sitting here and waiting to hear something from my FIL from the hospital.

Having had some time to look back on my reaction? I feel pretty bad.

But if I wouldn't have been mean, he would still be here running back and forth to the bathroom until he would be so weak that he couldn't move then forcing us to call an ambulance and listen to them hem and haw as to whether they should take him to the hospital or not thus causing me to turn into super-bitch and demand that he be taken to the hospital because there is nothing that I can do for him here, when he gets sick like that he can't hold anything down not even water so how would you expect me to get him to take his PILLS?

So, while I feel bad about being a bitch, I don't because I know that my bitchiness made Randall go to the hospital before he got really, really bad.

Less stress on everyone.

Well except maybe the FIL who is stuck sitting in the hospital room with Randall.

That's an experience in and of itself too.

Please keep Randall in your thoughts and prayers. Send him good mojo and positive vibes. Toss some in there for me too, wouldja?

Long Night, Hard Day

It has been a long week.

A long week of Randall getting sick.

Every single night.

And every single night I have asked him if he wants to go to the hospital. And every single night he has said that he is OK.

And he is. Until he eats something and his stomach decides it doesn't feel like processing the food he has given it. So his stomach gives it back.

Last night was a long night.

Randall started getting sick late in the evening.

I told him he should go to the hospital.

He responded with he was fine.

This continued ALL night.

Finally at 6am, he decided he needed to go. After seeing that his meds were not going to help control the nausea.

He hates going to the hospital. And I understand why. The doctors there treat him as though he is lying about how he feels.

If I was treated that way every time I went? I wouldn't want to go either.

So I had a long night with very little sleep and now Randall is at the hospital. Hopefully they can treat him and make him feel better.

He might end up being admitted. I am not sure. It will all depend on the doctor and how he responds to the meds that are given to him.

Please send prayers, positive vibes & thoughts, good juju and whatever else you can think of so that he feels better soon.

It is greatly appreciated.

Life Got in the Way

I was going to write about the other day when Kaylee was outside playing. Talk about something she came across.

It will have to wait.

Life got in the way.

My father-in-law just took Randall to the hospital.

Gastroparesis kicking him in the ass yet again.

Sadly, I had a feeling this would happen today.

Randall just had that look about him when he woke up.

I hate when my intuitions are correct.

Now my stomach is in knots.

Kaylee is upset.

I cried. Kaylee cried.

And Randall is at the ER.

Hopefully he will be treated well.

Hopefully he won't have to be admitted.

Hopefully he will be home in a few hours.

Shadows

Yesterday was not a good day. At all.

Randall started getting sick early in the morning. And it got worse as the day progressed.

So his illness is hitting him like it did over the summer. A few days in the hospital and a few days at home.

His Dad took him to the ER at about 2:30 yesterday afternoon. I was glad. Not saying that I didn't want to be there, I did. But I don't think I could have handled it this time around. Watching him be so sick, especially in the ER, takes something out of me. It fucks me up. So I was glad to have a break from it this one time.

Didn't mean that I didn't worry any less though.

Time moved slowly and I was dreading going to pick Kaylee up from school. I really thought she would be OK with me telling her that her Daddy had to go back to the hospital. God, was I wrong.

I am always honest with her. So I told her as soon as we walked out of school.

She started crying. Big huge tears streaming down her face.

It was truly heartbreaking. I wrapped her up in a hug. As we walked home.

Today, I went to visit Randall. He had a rough night.

He looked like hell. Pale with dark, dark circles under his eyes. He looked like a shadow of himself.

He was surprised to see me. I had talked to him on the phone and he had told me not to come. Told me that he didn't want me to see him like he was. That only made me want to see him more.

He slept the majority of the time I was there. Watching him sleep was peaceful. He looked peaceful-- on the outside. On the inside I know there is hurt and pain and turmoil.

During one of his little naps, I eye-spied a small pad of paper and a pen sitting on his table. I grabbed it and started writing him a note.

I love you! Please feel better soon... You have prayers and positive vibes coming from all over the place! Please be strong. Feel the strength in me & use it to help you heal.

Love You Always & Forever,
Your Babydoll

I didn't stay long, not like I usually do. A little over an hour. I didn't want to leave but he really wasn't up to visitors.

I gathered up my things, gave him kisses and left.

I hate leaving him. I feel like I leave a piece of me there with him every time.

Not sure when he will be released. I will keep you posted.

His Home Away From Home...

OK, I just need to take a few minutes and vent.

Hope you don't mind...

Had to take Randall to the hospital again this evening. He started throwing up this morning, early, and continued to do so all day long. I asked him several times if he wanted to go to the hospital. He declined.

It angered me. It angered me that he was being so damn stubborn.

He caught me napping sometime during the morning and went and laid on the couch, in the living room, where Kaylee was up and watching TV.

He continued to throw up. He scared the shit out of Kaylee.

This pissed me off when I woke and discovered that he had not been in bed for quite a while.

I yelled at him.

I feel bad about it now. But in the moment I was beyond angry. Why the fuck would you put your baby girl through something like that?

I am scared shitless that she will end up being scarred from all of this.

Anyway...

After vomiting for 7 hours pretty much non-stop, he decided that he was ready to go to the hospital. Of course he was too weak for us to get him out to the car. FIL called 911.

I forgot to mention that due to all the vomiting and him being unable to keep anything down, he was passing out. That is always fun. Especially when it happens right in front of your child.

There is nothing I hate to hear more than Kaylee screaming out, "DADDY!!!".

The fear in her voice breaks my heart. And while I am trying to reassure her that he is OK, I am trying to not freak out myself. It's not easy to do.

We get to the ER, get into a room and wait 30 minutes for a doctor to come in. Doctor comes in and says she has been looking over Randall's chart and sees that he has been there several times in the past for the same thing and tells him that she will not give him pain meds of any sort because it has been marked in his chart that he only comes in looking for pain meds. But she will be more than happy to give him something for nausea.

I was pissed. I wanted to say so many things to this lady and did not. Randall tried to fight for himself but gave up. He felt that damn bad.

Weirdly enough, 10 minutes later, another doctor came in to see Randall. I talked to this doctor. I explained to this doctor that Randall is in pain 24/7. That he has pain all the time but that when he goes on a vomiting spree like today that it makes the pain 100 times worse. I explained that when he is as bad as he is, he is admitted and given IV nausea and pain meds. That controlling the pain will help to control the nausea and vomiting. I thought this doctor was actually going to 'get it'. I thought he understood. I thought he would help.

I am here to tell you that the whole time Randall was in the ER, a whole five and a half hours he never received any pain meds. He continued to vomit even with Zofran for nausea.

At one point, as Randall was throwing up, he looked at me and said, "I give up. I. give. up. I can't do this any more. I can't go on like this."

Do you know what it's like to hear the one you love tell you that they quit?

Do you know what it's like to hear him cry for someone to help him.

It's discouraging. It's scary. It's sad.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

To see him begging for help...

To hear him cry...

It broke my heart.

So I am worried and scared.

Scared that no matter how much I love him and tell him to fight that he might give up. Give up and leave Kaylee and I here, alone.

So I will ask, as I always selfishly do, if you will say a prayer for Randall?

Maybe send a positive thought or two his way?

Cross your fingers and toes that he will wake up in the morning feeling better?

Please?

I Just Knew

I am exhausted.

Beyond exhausted actually. But that's what happens when you spend the night in the ER.

Randall was sick yesterday. It started early in the morning. He took a nap and seemed OK when he woke up in the afternoon. Then, at dinner, all hell broke loose.

We had Subway. He didn't even finish his sandwich. I could tell by looking at him that he was going to vomit. We have been down this road so many times in the past, I just knew.

Sure enough, not five minutes later, he was in the bathroom. And it just got worse from there.

By 11pm I was begging him to go to the hospital. He kept telling me he was fine.

I just knew.

After the 10th time he went running to the bathroom, he was ready to go.

So we got dressed and headed off to the ER. We got there just a little bit after midnight.

After waiting two and a half hours, with Randall stumbling to the bathroom to vomit and passing out in his chair from the stress of all the vomiting, he was taken back.

From here on out, I spent most of my time pretty pissed off.

Usually, when he is taken back they immediately give him an IV and get anti-nausea and pain meds going to try and make him comfortable. Not this time.

The ER doc was the mousy brown haired, nerdy type and she would not give him an IV. She instead offered him shots. A shot of dilaudid in his arm and a shot of nausea medicine in his hip. These did nothing for him. As a matter of fact, he vomited more.

Two hours later {for a running total of 4 hours, 2 in the waiting room and 2 actually being seen} she gives in and orders an IV to be put in. He gets Zofran for the nausea. She refuses to give him pain meds through his IV. She will only give him pills, which he keeps throwing up. In a round about way, she is saying that he is seeking pain meds, she orders everything but IV pain meds.

Now I can understand where she is coming from. But if the patient is in pain, and pills are not working, especially since said patient is vomiting, wouldn't it be better for everyone all around to give meds by IV?

Isn't their main goal to make the patient as comfortable as possible?

Unfortunately, after all his visits this summer, the ER has pretty much labeled him as a drug seeker. They do not understand that he is in constant pain from the gastroparesis but that when he starts vomiting and it gets as severe as it did last night, his pain becomes unbearably worse. The more pain he has the more he vomits. It is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Back to the hospital...

After the DR came in and said she would order an IV for him, we didn't see her the rest of the night. The nurse came and went a few times. From about 6am to 7:15am, we seen no one. Well I seen no one, Randall was sleeping here and there. By 7:30 a new nurse popped in, saying that she was taking over from the night shift and informed us that Randall would be admitted.

Wait... What?

This was something that could have been told to us a long time ago. By the night shift nurse. Surely this knowledge was bestowed upon her before she clocked out and left...

Stupid, inconsiderate people.

"Do you want me to stay until they take you to your room, babe?", I ask. Because as much as I want to remain there, I need to go home too. I am sore. I am tired. I have had enough of the hospital.

"No Babydoll. You can head on home. You don't have to stay." He is barely awake.

I am not sure he even really knows what is going on.

I grab my stuff and kiss him several times on the head. I tear up because it hurts my heart to see him lying there so helpless and sick.

I tell him I love him and I leave.

It was a long night. A long night that I ended up biting my tongue.

But I knew it would end like it did.

I just knew.

Will It Ever End?

Just when I think things are starting to look up... They take a dive into the crapper!

Randall was admitted to the hospital last night... The poor guy. I feel so bad for him. Especially when I can't really do anything. He made it out about 10 days from the last time he was admitted. I really had hope that he would be OK and be able to be out for awhile. I didn't go with to the ER with him this time around... He asked his Dad to take him. Unfortunately this does nothing for my nerves. It is 7:37AM and I have not slept yet. I will go try to cat nap here shortly.

I hate that he is in the hospital yet again.

I hate that he will probably miss Kaylee's first day of school (which is Wednesday, by the way)

I hate that now I will have to scramble and ride the city bus to try and finish up school shopping.

I hate that I don't drive.

I hate that I feel like a loser.

Geez... I'm a downer.

On the bright side (if you want to call it that) what do you think of my new look? I did it all by my self! I like it! I needed a change from the old theme I had...

Well, after 10 minutes of babbling here, I think I am ready to head to bed... Please keep positive thoughts and prayers headed Randall's way! They are so very much appreciated!

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Dear Jesus,

Divine physician and healer of the sick, we turn to You in this time of illness. O dearest comforter of the troubled, alleviate our worry and sorrow with Your gentle love and grant us the grace and strength to accept this burden. We place our worries in Your hands. We place Randall under Your care and humbly ask that You restore Your servant to health again.

Above all, grant us the grace to acknowledge Your holy will and know that whatsoever You do, You do for the love of us.

Amen.

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Randall was admitted to the hospital again last night. There is no rhyme or reason. There isn't one specific thing that sets off the gastroparesis. His stomach decides when and if it wants to work or not... It's very frustrating. It makes it worse when the ER doctors just think he is there looking for pain meds.

We were lucky last night to get a doc that was compassionate and caring. She took good care of him. I figured that she would treat and release but she didn't. To my surprise she said almost from the beginning that she would make sure he was admitted. That has never happened on the first visit. We usually have to go back at least 3, sometimes 4 times before they will admit him.

I don't know how long he will be in this go 'round. I am asking for you to keep him in your thoughts and prayers for a speedy and quick recovery!

Thank You!

Sunday Rambling

Stealing an internet connection from the library is getting old. Although it really isn't stealing when they provide free WIFI access. It just feels like stealing to me... I didn't have a connection all day Friday OR Saturday... That was really irritating...

Randall has been in the hospital since Thursday. Nothing different, just a flare up of gastroparesis. He had to go to the ER THREE times before he was admitted. We tried to get him in before it got bad, but the ER docs have no clue. They don't get it. I don't even think they understand what gastroparesis is. Most of them give you a blank stare when they are told what his illnesses are. You wouldn't believe how many times I heard, "You need to find a doctor and follow up regularly.". I just want to scream: "HE HAS A DOCTOR, FIVE OF THEM TO BE EXACT! HE DOES FOLLOW UP. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HIS STOMACH IS GOING TO ACT UP. WHEN IT DOES AND IT'S BAD; Y'KNOW NON-STOP VOMITING THAT LASTS ALL DAY, HE HAS BEEN TOLD TO COME TO THE ER SO HE CAN BE LOOKED AFTER! NOW HOP OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE AND HELP MY HUSBAND!". Unfortunately, if I would have screamed that I would have been promptly escorted off the premises by security and maybe even put in jail.

I am exhausted. I never sleep well while he is in the hospital. I feel like I am being a shitty Mom to Kaylee though. I have let her stay up WAY, WAY, WAY later than what she should be, and then the in-laws let her get back up after they know I've gone to bed. Pisses me off. I feel like they're undermining me. Of course I don't say anything because it would be a BIG argument and it would be two against one AND I'm not subjecting Kaylee to any of that. I'll just save it up for when the playing field is even...

Does any of this make ANY sense? I really am just rambling on... Doesn't matter, I don't think anyone reads my bullshit anyway.

My brother sent me a message on facebook asking about Randall. Totally amazed me. Not that I think he really cares, I just think he was being nosy. I have a strained relationship with my brother and sister. That's another story for another time...

I think I will try and get some sleep.

Hoping your Sunday is filled with fun and happiness!

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photo credit

I don't know where to begin.

I feel lost and lonely. Like no one else knows or understands the situation I'm in.

And really? No one does. No one. I.AM.ALL.ALONE!

I feel helpless when Randall gets sick. There isn't anything I can do to help him. Nothing. So we all sit and suffer through his bouts of nausea and vomiting. I cried the other night to get him to go to the hospital. It didn't do any good going to the hospital though... The only time the hospital helps him is when he is almost dead. So dehydrated from the puking that they HAVE to admit him and try to make him better. Otherwise they are clueless. We had hoped that maybe going before it got so bad might nip this flare-up of gastroparesis in the ass, but it didn't.

I hate his illness. I hate what it's doing to him.

I feel like in this year and a half since he's been sick that I have lost myself. I have turned into a nurse maid. I make sure he takes his meds. I pretty much cater to his every need. And I'm not complaining, not really. I just want it out there... I want you to know that I live to take care of Randall. Kinda sad and pathetic I guess but if he didn't have me he would have probably died by now. At least that's what he says.

So I kinda take it personally when he gets sick. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like a... failure.

Sometimes I wonder how everything ended up like this. I wonder if we're being punished by God for something that we did. Or maybe being punished for something that we neglected to do.

I don't know.

I just know that everything happens for a reason, right?

Good Days and Bad Days: An Update

I know there are a few of you who would like to stay up to date with Randall and his condition, so I figured I would start doing a weekly update for you.

I am happy to report that Randall has made it 10 whole days out of the hospital! This is quite an accomplishment, considering that at one point he spent 10 days in the hospital... We are taking things day by day. Which is really all you can do. It is inevitable that he will be hospitalized again. That's just how this stuff works, at least from what we have seen so far.

Randall has good days and bad days.

I enjoy the good days.

The good days look like this:

And kinda like this:

And maybe even like this:

Then we have the evil demon days that are bad days.

I don't like the bad days so much. These are the days that I stay on edge. These are the days that I worry myself silly. These are the days that I hover like a protective mother hen...

Bad days are riddled with severe pain and nausea and cause Randall to do nothing but lay in bed.

Today was a bad day :(

Then we have the really bad days that produce vomiting that is non-stop and cause us to end up here:

This was from the last time he was admitted to the hospital...

Thankfully we haven't had a really bad day in about 2 weeks... Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that it stays that way.

But that's about all I have right now. Thanks to everyone who has kept my little family in their thoughts and prayers!

Have an awesome weekend!

Here I go trying to get back into the swing of things. You never realize just how much you will miss something until you don't have it anymore. I totally missed blogging, it is my way to get things off my chest. To vent. To bitch. To express my feelings and not be judged... I can't do that IRL as it tends to start fights and arguments with the people who live with me (that would be the in-laws not Randall or Kaylee).

I have mentioned that over the past month, Randall has been sick. This wasn't a cold or flu sick. This was in and out of the hospital sick. This was I was totally scared shitless thinking that he was gonna die sick. During this past month we found out that not only does Randall have diabetic gastroparesis, he was also diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. Which has totally scared me. And after reading more about it, I wonder if he might have Addison's Disease...

I would go visit Randall in the hospital and try to be as strong as I could. I would come home and break down in tears, when/if I could get a moment to myself. I tried really hard to not show Kaylee how concerned I was. I have told Randall that I wish it was ME that was so sick. I wish I could trade and it be me who has to be poked and prodded and endure the extreme pain that he is constantly in. He says no. He says that he couldn't do what I have been doing. I know that if the situation was reversed he would be doing exactly what I have done, PLUS some...

During this time, Randall lost his job. We are not without income (thank God for the dispatching we do from the house) but things are tight. Really tight. I'm pinching pennies so hard that I'm making them squeak... Added to this stress, it has not helped that his parents have no income of their own. His dad sits and waits for his unemployment to start back up... He's a slacker...

This has left me in a state of constant worry and panic. I have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I have trouble sleeping at night. I worry that this bill can't be paid or that bill can't be paid. I am trying to have faith that everything will work out and be OK. I just hope that I don't worry myself into the hospital...

He Doesn't Know...

I have sat here all day and watched as he has slept yet another day away.

He is sick. He has diabetes, gastroparesis and a heart condition.

He has good days and bad days. Unfortunately the bad days tend to be REALLY bad. Today has been one of those days. He has moaned in his sleep and for the few seconds that he wakes up, all I can get out of him is that his kidneys hurt. Being diabetic, I don't see this as a good thing. I try to get him up so we can go to the hospital. He yells at me to leave him alone he is just tired and needs to sleep. So I do. I don't drive so the only way for me to get him there (aside from begging my FIL to take him, which I don't think he would anyway...) is to call an ambulance. I haven't called yet because you can't call them and tell them never mind, it's OK now...

I have fought off tears all day. Trying to be strong for Kaylee but she knows me too well and knows I'm upset about something, no matter how I try to hide it. I had a breakdown a little bit ago and started bawling and said to him that I was scared he was gonna die. He woke up then and said he was OK that he just needed to sleep that if he felt the same tomorrow he would go to the hospital. I don't know...

I feel lost and helpless. I have NO ONE to lean on here. I have no friends, not really. The people I know, I know through Randall and I would feel funny asking them for any type of help. The in-laws could really care less. How could you not give 3 shits about your own flesh and blood? HOW?

So I am left to sit here and pray. Pray that he wakes up feeling better in the morning. Pray that it's just a cold or flu of some kind and he won't have to be hospitalized. Pray that I can find the strength to make it through this (I know I will. I always do).

I hope your weekend has started off better than mine has.