Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: pondering

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Ten Thought Tuesday

Hee hee!

It's Tuesday!

Surely by now you know what that means?

Right?

RIGHT?

Of course you do.

More random thoughts from me!

YAY!

Ready?

Here we go:

10. The only reason I watch the news is for the weather. Although it never changes here. More often than not? It will be cold and rainy.

9. I am trying to give up caffeine. Wish me luck.

8. Last year, during 'summer', it was so cold that the month of June was referred to as June-uary by the news people. It was that cold.

7. I don't know why I am obsessed with the weather. Maybe because I desperately want sun and warmth?

6. I spent an hour last night putting several small braids in Kaylee's hair. All to give the impression that she has curly/wavy hair. Because normally? Her hair is very, very straight.

5. Kaylee had a small attitude this morning as I was attempting to take said small braids out of her hair.

4. Conclusion? I will not be doing the 'several small braids to create curls/waves' again for awhile.

3. Sometimes I don't feel appreciated for the things I do.

2. I think I finally kicked my nail biting habit. Although it has been very, very hard. And I don't have long, pretty nails to show for it yet. They get so long and then break, crack or peel. I have not found anything to help remedy this.

1. Kaylee listens to my iPod more than I do.

Yesterday? She was talking to her friend on the phone. I walk by and Kaylee has the volume up as loud as it will go and is holding the ear bud up to the phone so her friend can hear the song she was listening to before she got on the phone.

I remember doing stuff like that. Only it wasn't an iPod. It was a cassette tape or the radio.

I don't think kids today would even know what a cassette tape is. I am positive they wouldn't.

That makes me feel old.

How about you?

Questions to Ponder Pt. 2

You may remember about 2 weeks ago, I posted the first 3 out of a set of 10 questions that I received via email from Kris at Pretty All True.

If you missed that, go check it out!

I finally have a connection that is semi decent enough to allow me to post the next set of questions.

Ready?

Here we go!

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4) What five words would you use to describe 13 year old you? Use a different 5 words to describe you as you are today. Would 13 year old you be surprised at the words that are yours today?

Thirteen year old me:
shy, quiet, optimist, emotional, dreamer

me today:
Mother, pessimist, worrier, serious, melancholy

Thirteen year old me would be surprised at every word describing me today except mother. I always knew I would be a mom some day.

I was always a 'glass half full' type of person. Then I became an adult and realized that sometimes there is only one way to look at a situation. I used the word pessimist but I don't think it's that. It's more 'always looking at the seriousness of the situation'. I wish I could be the eternal optimist like I was as a child. I just can't. I have been through too much shit since I turned 18. I pretty much became a champion at worrying from that same age. Getting married and throwing myself into the real world like I did skewed how I looked at things.

5) When’s the last time you watched a loved one sleep? Describe the circumstances and tell me what you were thinking.

One of the last times Randall was in the hospital I watched him as he slept in his hospital room.

I listened as the IV machine purred, watched the medicine drip into his line. I sat there and watched him sleep, wanting to touch him but knowing that as soon as I did, he would wake up. He doesn't sleep well when he is here. So every little cat nap counts.

As I watched him the thoughts that ran through my mind were something like this:

"I love you more than you will ever know. I am scared. Scared of a lot of things but scared the most that I will lose you. I am trying to be strong for you but it is so, so hard. I never expected to be in this position. You are the one who is supposed to support me. And that sounds so selfish. It is selfish. Neither one of us asked for any of this. And now here I am, the one who is everyone else's rock. I want you to be better. I want you to reassure me that everything is going to be OK. I know it will be OK eventually. You just need time to heal and you need time to rest."

And in the time it took me to think those thoughts, a nurse walked in and woke him from his nap. To check his IV or to give him meds or to check his blood sugar. I'm not sure which now.

6) What has been your daughter’s favorite age thus far and why?

This one is easy. Her favorite age, in my opinion, was the age of five. Simply because that was when she started school.

We did not send her to preschool. And while I know she could have benefited from some of the things there, like interaction with other kids her age, I did not see the point of it. I spent my days teaching her to write her letters and numbers. By the time she was three she could write out her full name with no problems.

She would always ask when she would be able to go to school. And was always told 'when you turn five'. I would have to count it down for her by seasons.

"You are three now and it's summer. That means you have fall, winter, spring (and her fourth birthday), summer, fall, winter, spring (and her fifth birthday), summer and then you start school!"

Her big brown eyes would light up and she would smile from ear to ear.

She loves school and has loved it from the beginning. She hates to miss a day. Actually tears up if she is sick and can not go to school.

She gets her love of school from me. I just hope she doesn't travel down the same path that I did.

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More teasing from me as I am going to end this round here!

Hopefully I will be able to get the other questions posted some time next week.

If you have not stopped by Pretty All True, you need to get on that.

Kris is awesome. She writes from her heart and will always leave you either giggling from the insanity or in tears from the reflective posts.

You must check her out!

Do it!

Or I will be forced to do something awful to you! (Like what, I don't know. But I would come up with something!)

Have a wicked awesome Thursday peoples! :)

Questions to Ponder

It has been fairly post dry at my little corner of the internets lately.

As I was complaining about this a couple of weeks ago on twitter, my friend Kris from Pretty All True asked me if I would answer a few questions and post them here if she sent them to me in an email.

Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course I would!

Later that evening I received a lovely email from Kris. In it contained ten random and thought provoking questions.

I have decided to share a few of the questions along with my answers today and the others sometime next week.

A bit of a tease, I know, but I like to be a tease so just deal with it!

OK. Enough of my inane babbling... On to the questions!

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1) You pop two slices of bread into the toaster. The toast burns . . . not badly, but it’s burned. Do you scrape off the burned part or start over?

This depends. My definition of 'burnt toast' is probably different than others.

If you're talking charcoal black? That's a definite start over. I can not eat charcoal. Nor would I force anyone else to. Unless you piss me off. Then all the shit I make for you will be burnt beyond recognition.

If you're talking dark, dark brown? Scrape it. Butter it and act like no burning ever happened.

If you're talking dark brown? Butter that toast and eat it!

2) Tell me about something in your life that makes you unhappy that you have the ability to change.

There is more than one thing that I could answer here.

I am unhappy with our current living situation.

I am unhappy that I don't drive.

I am unhappy being so far away from my family.

I guess out of those, the one that I have the ability to change right now would be not being able to drive. There is no reason that I don't drive. I just never got my license. I have regretted it more than once. It sucks to not be able to just grab my things and go. Go to the store. Go for a ride. Go see Randall in the hospital. I hate depending on other people for a ride. And the bus can be a joke sometimes. Although the bus does give me some independence.

3) Imagine that after you are gone, your daughter will be given the gift of seeing a single 5 minute period from your life through your eyes, feeling and experiencing those moments as you did when they occurred. What five minutes would you have her see?

When I initially read this question, the first moment that popped into my head was the day she was born. But honestly? I was so doped up I have trouble remembering that day myself. I mean, I remember but there isn't a lot of detail to any of it.

After some thought, I think I would want her to see the very first day that Randall and I met in person.

I want her to feel my nervousness. Feel the butterflies that fluttered around my stomach as I finished packing the things I needed for my trip. I want her to see and feel how scared I was. See how scared I was to travel across the country to meet a man I had only ever talked to on the phone. I want her to feel my worry as I thought that maybe I was making a huge mistake in traveling so far from home. I want her to feel the intense love I have for this man even though I have only known him a handful of months.

I want her to feel the excitement as I walk from the plane to the gate. To see the smile that lit up the face of the man who would eventually be her father. To feel the love in the giant bear hug he wrapped me in. I want her to feel the relief I felt from realizing in that moment that a mistake had not been made.

I want her to see and feel my realization that I had found the man who I would be with for the rest of my life.

I want her to feel my ecstatic happiness.

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I think I will only post these 3 today as my responses are a little wordy {meaning that if I posted all of the questions, this post would be super long and no one would read it}. Told you I was a tease!

Thanks again to Kris for sending these questions to me.

If you haven't met Kris yet go check her out at her house, Pretty All True.

She is one of the best bloggers out there.

She will make you laugh 'til you almost pee one day and cry the next.

She is awesome!

Go and see!

GO!

I promise you will not be sorry!

Late Night Munchies

It is 2am, Sunday morning.

I am sitting here drinking a Coke (Yes, Oka I have joined you on the dark side! Hee hee!) and eating pizza rolls.

What?

I have the late night munchies. When I start bitching about not losing any weight or I start bitching about gaining back some of what I lost? Remind me about my late night snacking. Please.

So I am sitting here eating my tasty snack and just thinking. Come along, won't you?

Why the hell am I the only person in this house who can empty the ice cube trays into the ice cube bucket and then fill the ice cube trays with water and then stick them back into the freezer?

Just because I bought the damn things does not make me solely responsible for the production of ice. I am not the fucking ice fairy. Although I think everybody thinks one exists.

Might have to put a stop to that.

I went to see Randall yesterday evening. He is feeling better though he is far from being 100%. He is in hopes of being released sometime today. I told him to not get his hopes up. I guess we'll see what happens.

Out of boredom I painted my nails. I never, ever paint my nails, ever. So that has to tell you something. Weird thing? I kinda like it. Might be something that sticks around.

A friend repaid a loan of $15 with a ten dollar bill and a roll of dimes. I cracked up on the inside. Then felt kinda sad. But then looked on the bright side. Change is money too and it will get spent on something. Will probably put it in my change jar and save it for tight times. I am a hoarder that way.

Late night infomercials crack me up. Right now? I am watching one for a little machine that helps get rid of hair. You know, leg hair, arm hair, underarm hair, facial hair. All the hair that you might want rid of, it is surely to remove it! Except maybe the hair down there. I think it uses lasers of some sort... Really don't think you want to use a laser on your nether regions. But I could be wrong... It's called No! No! Hair. It looks like some kind of battery powered electrolysis machine. I can only imagine the amount of batteries I would have to go through to use this thing on my legs.

My opinion on this little hair removal system? No! No! Thank you! Although it has to be better than the epilady from years ago. I didn't see ripping out of hair with No! No!. But it did have a weird little buffer thing that came with it.

The crazy things that people will buy.

So I guess maybe I should try sleeping. Sunday promises to be an interesting day.

Keeping my fingers crossed that Randall comes home but trying not to get my hopes up at the same time.

I am weird. But you knew that already.

Hey!?!

Who ate all my pizza rolls?

Have a spectacular Sunday!

See-Saw

I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of days. Not something unusual when I have lots of things on my mind. Those things bounce around in my brain and make it almost impossible to sleep. Thus ensues the insomnia.

One thing that keeps circling is how people see me. How people on the outside see me.

Most people? See a strong willed woman. A woman who takes no shit. From anyone.

A woman who is a loving mother and a dedicated wife.

A woman who is strong. Who has kept her family together through a lot of tough times.

A woman who has been the rock for her husband and her daughter since her husband became ill.

A woman who speaks her mind.

A woman who fights for what she believes in.

I believe that I am this woman. I know she exists.

My problem lies in who I see when I look in the mirror.

I do not see the person everyone else sees.

The woman I see? She is not a woman at all. She is still a girl.

She is scared. She is weak.

She is so quiet and shy that most would say she is backwards.

She takes shit from everyone and just lets it build. She never speaks up for herself.

She feels inadequate as a mother and even more so as a wife.

She keeps to herself.

She is afraid of confrontation.

She sees glimpses of the woman she wants to be.

I am working on seeing the woman most people see.

I am working on being and becoming me.

Pondering the Past

I am stuck.

My mind is blank.

So I am typing the first things that come to my mind.

After an email I received today, I can't stop thinking about some things that happened after we first moved out here to Washington.

It's not anything that I am prepared to share.

Not yet anyway.

But I am coming to terms with the fact that the things that happened are a part of who I am. They are a part of what makes me, me. And while I am not proud of those things, I need to own them. It is just really hard.

It is hard to think about them and relive them. I get panicky thinking about them.

I get panicky thinking about how dangerous things really were.

I get angry for not following my gut instincts.

I hate how memories can make you feel sometimes.

And these leave me feeling helpless, sad, lost and confused.

But they are only memories.

Things from the past that can't do anything to me now.

Not physically anyway. It's the mental shit that could have me looking for some Xanax or Prozac.