I don't really know when everything changed.
It could have been when I married my first husband.
It could have been after I miscarried with my first pregnancy.
It could have been after she had surgery and could no longer have babies.
It could have been that one Thanksgiving that Mom didn't go out of town and invited me over and not her.
I don't know exactly when it changed. But my relationship with my sister has not been right for years.
I am the baby.
My sister is older than me by about 15 years. Even though there are so many years that separate us, we were always really close.
I spent so much time with her that when she had kids? They thought of me as a big sister and not their aunt.
I could talk to her about anything.
She is who I had the big sex talk with.
She is the one who taught me how to put on makeup.
She is the one who I had my first alcoholic drink with.
Somewhere in the last fifteen years something went awry with our relationship. We stopped calling each other. We stopped visiting. We stopped talking. We stopped everything.
As I write this now, I have not had any contact with my sister in over a year. No. It's been longer than that.
No phone calls, no emails. Nothing.
It is as if I no longer exist where she is concerned.
And I miss her.
Sure I could pick up the phone and call her.
But she wouldn't answer.
Sure I could send her an email.
But she wouldn't send a reply.
And I wonder if she feels the same way.
I wonder if she misses me.
I wonder if she thinks about me.
I wonder if she worries about me.
I wonder if she thinks about Kaylee.
Maybe I will grow some balls and send her an email. It couldn't hurt. Could it?
Until then I will just sit here and miss her and hope that someday we will be able to be as close as we once were.