Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: life

Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Resolute

It's five days into the new year.

I stopped making resolutions eons ago. Only because I never made any that I stuck with. Ever.

They were the same every year.

Lose weight.

Stop biting my nails (happy to say I finally conquered this one. :)

Find a new job. (From when I was working.)

You get the gist, right?

I realized one year that there was no reason to make these silly resolutions that were forgotten almost as quickly as they were made.

And that was that.

I have not made a resolution in a good fifteen years.

And now we have this year.

2013

I still haven't made any resolutions. Instead, I have made a few goals.

I don't want to list them out here. Some are personal and I'm not ready to share yet.

But these goals were formed because I have had a feeling about 2013. This year is going to be different.

I can feel it.

This is my year.

Good things are going to happen.

I just have to grab the bull by the horns.

I will not sit idly by and let things pass me up this year.

This? Is my year.

It so is.

Hello, 2013. So nice to see you.

Few and Far

So it's clear that my posts are few and far between.

I think that's to be expected during the holiday season. But it seems like it's more to me. I have been posting sporadically for a while now.

I have things to say. I just don't think anyone wants to read them. And that's OK.

I started this blog for myself.

To write.

To process.

To heal.

Anyone who stumbles through is welcome to read and comment if they are moved to. But it isn't necessary.

I had thoughts of shutting this space down.

There comes a time when you reach a point and go, "What the fuck am I doing this for?"

I know that I will never be a rich and famous Blogger.

I don't plan on writing a book.

I don't plan on doing reviews.

I don't plan on doing giveaways.

I don't have a meme or link-up for everyone to join in on.

What I do have is my stories.

My life.

Past, present and future.

Daily life has been crazy lately but hopefully I can keep my posts from being so far and few.

Melancholy Mess

Maybe it's the weather.

It has been dark and grey for a few days.

Maybe it's the events of the last week that have left me wanting to pull my hair out. (I would elaborate but I just can't right now.)

Whatever it is, I am feeling down.

I am sad.

I am lonely.

Maybe it's because it's Christmas time and my heart just isn't in it this year.

Maybe I am missing my family.

I wish like nothing else that I could secretly get to Ohio and surprise my Mom.

Even though she guilts me and makes me feel bad, I miss her.

I have not seen her in four years. And I don't know how much longer she's going to be around.

That? The not knowing? Is killing me.

I may not ever be able to get back and see her.

That breaks my heart.

I am broken and drifting in a melancholy mess.

Hey there!

From the looks of my calendar, it is Tuesday.

Ready to ride the random train?

Here we go:

10. Randall's birthday is on Thursday. I wish I had the money to get him all the things that he wants. But I don't so he will have to settle for all my love and a nice birthday dinner.

9. I also can not believe that CHRISTMAS is right around the freaking corner.

8. I have done nothing. NO SHOPPING whatsoever has been done.

7. I am the queen of procrastination. Pretty sure.

6. Decorations haven't been put up yet either. By the time they are put up it will be time for them to be taken down.

5. Decorations are not my department. In case you were wondering.

4. It has been tradition that decorations get put up on Randall's birthday. Not my tradition. If it were up to me? Decorations would have been put up on the first of December. Whatever.

3. Still plugging along trying to find a job. . . So far I have heard nothing.

2. Trying to stay positive but it's hard.

1. Looking forward to the holiday season being over. This is my least favorite time of year.

What about you?

What's your random?

Taking a Step

I did something last night that I never, in a million years thought that I would do. . .

I was chatting with my sister via Yahoo! Messenger. . .

And we were just talking about various things.

Then we were talking about Dad. The 25th anniversary of his death was this past Monday. . . And she asked me if I remembered the night he died.

I responded with a yes. I was thinking about all the things I have shared here about that night.

She asked if I kept a journal.

I was hesitant. Because I don't in the respect that I have a book in which I write my thoughts and feelings.

I told her no.

And then changed it to "But I do have a blog and have shared some things on there."

We talked a little more and then I decided to share a post with her.

This is big for me people. I have kept this space here to myself since I started it.

No one outside of Randall and Kaylee know about this space.

And I shared it with my sister.

Told her that I wanted her to look around.

Read my stories.

See me.

Hi sissy.

I want you to know that you will find some links that will take you to a blank page. That is because I took the post down, a few months ago, as I didn't feel they should be displayed any longer.

Nothing against anyone. No bad words have been spoken. I just didn't want them to be "out there" any longer.

There are stories here that will probably surprise you. Things that I did as a teenager that no one knew about. . .

But I want you to know. These stories are me. My thoughts. My feelings. Me.

I want to list some posts out for you. . . I hope that's OK.

And a couple of funnies:

There is more here. Just take your time and look around. . .

If you want to that is.

Thanks for taking a little time to see me.

Love you.

Me.

Hey there people!

Today is ever loving Tuesday!

Also? This is a short week due to Thanksgiving being on Thursday.

But let's focus on today, shall we?

It is Tuesday.

My lovely day to throw the random at you.

Ready or not, here we go:

10. My period was kind enough to show itself on Sunday. Thanks for that Mother Nature. I have had increasingly painful cramps since then. Awesome.

9. I talked to my sister on Sunday. We talked for almost 2 hours. TWO HOURS. I know she doesn't realize it, but in that time she made me feel guilty no less than five times.

8. I also blame her for my period starting. Because, obviously.

7. I was actually surprised to hear from her. It had been well over a month since we had last spoke.

6. She called to tell me that our step-dad was having surgery (today) for a pacemaker for his heart. She also called to vent. And in the process make me feel bad.

5. She is her mother's daughter.

4. I am not even slightly prepared for Thanksgiving. Apparently the MIL and I are going to tag team cooking turkey day dinner. I am less than thrilled.

3. I guarantee that I end up getting aggravated because she is somewhat control-ish in the kitchen. She will end up doing EVERYTHING and I will end up being pissed off.

2. Or things could go smoothly and all will be right with the world. You never know.

1. I started taking new meds for my diabetes. . . And so far they seem to be working well. My blood sugar has been staying relatively low. YAY! So there is some positive in all the negative that I'm swimming in.

How about you?

What's your random?

I see by the calendar hanging on the wall that it's Tuesday.

You know what Tuesday used to mean around these parts, right?

Random thoughts listed (usually in ten).

Oh, you remember now?

Thaaaaaat's right.

TEN THOUGHT TUESDAY!

I have not done one of these in eons and thought it might be time to resurrect it.

Are you ready?

Here we go:

10. Hurricane Sandy. The Frakenstorm. So much devastation up and down the east coast. I can do nothing but say a few prayers that everyone is able to survive the storm.

9. It is the day before Halloween . . . and we're still not really clear on what Kaylee is going to be. Talk about procrastination.

8. If procrastination were a job, I would be the top-paid employee. Hands down.

7. Kaylee has been practicing almost every day after school for a Veteran's Day assembly for school. The kids have been practicing marching. . . And it has been said that they will be dressed up in marching outfits and everything.

6. Also? There will be singing. Lots of singing. I know this because Kaylee has been singing the national anthem NON-STOP.

5. While I love my country AND my daughter. . . I am not loving the national anthem being sung over and over and over again.

4. I might be a curmudgeon.

3. Being a curmudgeon might make finding and keeping a job hard.

2. Oh yeah-- I am actively looking for a job. Because we desperately need the extra money.

1. I have a few applications in but so far, no bites. Hopefully I can find something soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Please?

What's your random?

Let me be

You know what?

I have not posted anything since. . . Since when exactly?

*pauses to look it up*

I haven't posted anything since September 28th.

It is now October 28th.

That's a whole freaking month!

It's not that I haven't had anything to say. It's that I haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want.

There is nothing 'new' going on. Life is the same as it has been the last few years.

Struggle, worry, stress. Repeat.

I know I'm not the only one with struggles so I try to leave them off the blog. Although I am certain that my struggles are not the same or even as normal as those that other people have.

My husband is sick.

We are struggling with bills.

We need more money coming in.

I am fairly sure that I am clinically depressed, even though it hasn't been diagnosed.

I am sick of my in-laws.

I am semi-actively looking for a job even though I feel as though I shouldn't be the only motherfucker in this house looking for one.

I stay aggravated. I stay agitated. I stay grumpy.

There are times that I can cry at the drop of a hat. I hate to cry. It leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable.

In that moment when the tears start to roll down my face, I feel like I am breaking.

I am not weak.

I have dealt with more shit in my 34 years than most people have even dreamed about.

I am not inadequate.

I am strong. I am a survivor.

When the tears start to fall, that is my soul trying to heal from all the pain and heartache that I have seen in my lifetime.

Don't judge me. Don't look at me with pity.

Let me be. Let the tears flow uninterrupted.

Let me heal the best way I know how.

Let me cry.

What's for Dinner?

I've been spending a lot of time lately experimenting in the kitchen.

I have used the family as guinea pigs.

From crispy cheddar chicken to tator tot casserole to taco bake to scalloped potatoes to mac and cheesy baked chicken casserole. . .

The testing has been endless.

Thank you Pinterest.

Some recipes have been hits. Others, not so much.

But the reason behind me suddenly cooking so much lately is this:

Over the last five years the MIL has been cooking the majority of our dinners. Which was fine by me.

The problem is that, more often than not, we ended up eating really late. Like between 8-10. Sometimes later.

In the summer I didn't have a huge problem with it (even though it WAS annoying) but I kept telling Randall that this couldn't continue once school started.

I took the initiative and started cooking on September 4th. At first I thought the MIL would be mad because I was taking away her one 'thing'.

If it has angered her in any way, she has not voiced it to me or anyone else.

My dilemma is this:

I'm running out of ideas.

Pinterest has helped a bunch. I have found quite a few recipes that I will use again.

I guess I need to start meal planning. Something that I've never done, ever.

This is harder than I thought it would be. By far. It also doesn't help that there are picky eaters (Ahem, FIL) that make cooking that much more difficult.

Do you meal plan? Or do you fly by the seat of your pants?
Leave me your favorite recipe or a suggestion of something to try!

****************

Linking up with Mama Kat and her Writer's Workshop today.

I chose prompt #1

I spent this past weekend in Dallas for Bloggy Boot Camp with SITS. As part of the Writer’s Workshop Francesca and I conducted we resurrected the Six Word Memoir. Add an image to your own Six Word Memoir based on…well anything.

Do you have six words about your life or family?

Acknowledge and Let Go

Lying in bed trying to sleep.

Thoughts keep swirling in my mind.

I can't focus on one single thought. They are bunched together making it impossible to concentrate on just one.

I let the swirling mass consume me.

I find myself thinking about events from years ago. Wondering about the what ifs of the past.

Would I be where I am now if the past would have been handled differently?

Or would I still be in my current present regardless of the past?

Those are questions thought up by my overactive, insomniatic mind.

I have no answers.

I try to acknowledge and let go.

The swirling mass consumes me.

I try to keep the darker thoughts at bay.

They dart in and out. Flicking their forked tongues at the edge of my subconscious. I try to wrangle them into one spot and hold them there.

Acknowledge and let go.

But they do not leave.

They stay and mock me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy.

***************

This was written over the weekend as I was fighting with a bout of insomnia.

I know I'm not going crazy but the nights when my mind refuses to shut off, it feels as though I might be.

Pouring my heart out and linking up with Shell today. . .

Karma Kickback

We've been living in the land of WA for just over five years now. We have had our share of good moments and bad moments with the bad mostly outweighing the good. It has been hard living out here. There was the year we spent living in a motel because the situation at the house we were staying at (which was R's cousin) turned extremely dangerous. So Randall, Kaylee, the in-laws and myself squeezed into a tiny two room motel room for a year. It was stressful, to say the least. I have been convinced since then that I never want to stay with extended family ever again. And yet here I am stuck with the in-laws. There was a pregnancy that was unexpected but filled us with joy. There was happiness for Kaylee, that she was going to be a big sister. . . And then there was a miscarriage which had to have been the worst one (out of five) that I have ever experienced. I believe wholeheartedly that that was my last chance to ever conceive again. There have been bad decisions made by some people in this family (I wont name anyone but it isn't me. Heh.) There has been sickness. SO MUCH SICKNESS. I have seen the inside of more hospitals than I care to admit. But all these things, instead of making us despise each other have brought us closer. Made our relationship stronger. Made me love harder and fight for what I believe in. We have struggled. We ARE struggling. I sense a change is near. The struggles, the hardships, have all been for a reason. It's about time that Karma came back and hit us with the good. We are more than ready for it.

**********************************

Pouring my heart out with Shell today.

Because sometimes you just have to let go of what's resting on your heart.

Random Friday Thoughts

I have not had the want nor the desire to blog the last couple of weeks.

Not sure what that's all about. . .

But here are some random things that are going on right now:

After feeling bad for two days, I finally talked Randall into going to the ER this afternoon. I know he didn't really want to go but I also know he didn't want to wait until things started going bad.
Been trying to keep Kaylee occupied by letting her spend the night at various friend's houses.
School can not start soon enough for this tired Mama.
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about the past. I know I shouldn't because the past is exactly that. The past. I can't help but wonder about the "what ifs" of life.
My Mom is an expert at making me feel bad. Seriously. I talked to her yesterday and she mentioned that she wished she could see Kaylee in person no more than 9487563885 times. Really. Until my rich uncle gets out of the poor house? Cross country trips will not be happening.
Of course I didn't actually SAY that to her. But I thought it. Several times.
I've been having trouble sleeping. . . Making my bedtime anywhere between 2 and 5 AM. Because sleep is overrated. Or something.
I have said "I need a vacation" more than once to Randall in the last three weeks. Because I do. I need to getaway. Just me. By myself. Doing nothing. And taking care of no one but myself.

And that is just some of the random running through my brain right now. . .

Enjoy your weekend folks!

Somewhere Along the Way Things Changed

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing.

WHO am I?

WHAT am I doing?

WHERE did the time go?

WHEN will things start to change?

WHY am I here?

HOW did I get to this point in my life?

All things that I think about at least once a day. At least.

I know that I have not grown into the adult that teenage me thought she would be. I can remember telling people that I wanted to become a doctor and start research to find a cure for cancer. I didn't want other kids losing their dads to cancer like I did. . . I have no clue what happened to that motivated little girl.

I remember through high school becoming tired.

I was tired of school. I didn't want to do it any more.

I almost didn't graduate because I slacked off so much.

Don't tell my Mom because I don't think she realizes that.

I had work and a boyfriend (who later became my fiancee and then my first husband) and I was just done with the bullshit.

There was also a time during my senior year that I almost joined the Army. Almost.

I had spoken to the recruiter several times. He frequented my high school regularly. I went and watched the videos and listened to the stories. And came THISCLOSE to joining. . . Then my soon to be hubby started asking me what would happen to "us". What would happen to him while I was away at boot camp and where would we live and would that mean that we would have to move. . . And so very many more questions-- from him.

I can remember not really caring what he thought (and that should have clued me in to something. Also probably why he's the ex-hubby now too). But eventually, because I cared for him and ~~thought~~ I loved him, I decided not to carry on with joining the Army.

I gave in to his wants and his needs. I put my hopes, my dreams on the back burner.

Something that I never thought I would do. Ever.

Somewhere along the way things changed. I changed.

That was the start of me doing for others to make them happy. My happiness didn't matter.

It is something that I still do to this day.

I put others before myself. Some may look at it as being selfless. I am starting to look at it as being stupid.

How can I make other people happy if I am not happy myself?

Parenting Fail

I don't remember ever reading or being told that parenting is easy.

So let's just put that to bed right this second.

Parenting is hard.

Really freaking hard.

There are no manuals. I don't care how many books you read while you were pregnant. None of them explain to you how hard parenting is really going to be.

You never dream, not even for an instant, how much your life is going to change as you are pushing your baby through your vagina (or having your baby pulled from your uterus if you had a C-section).

With all this being said, my daughter is ten.

And everyday she makes me feel like I am failing as a mother. Everyday.

I am always not doing something right.

I will tell you this, I am extremely lenient. Extremely.

I let her play outside with her friends. I let her ride her bike around the block.

I let her do most of the things that I wasn't allowed to do at her age.

I was restricted to playing in the back yard.

I wasn't allowed to go to any of my friend's houses to play.

I could only ride my bike in the driveway.

So I have tried to let her have a little bit of freedom. I have tried to just let her be a kid.

The biggest issue we are having is bedtime.

Another thing we have been lenient on.

During school through the week bedtime is nine o'clock. And on the weekends (Friday and Saturday) she gets to stay up until 11.

So far this summer, the earliest she has made it to bed has been midnight. Sometimes she stays up even later than that.

I know I am being judged right now. I know it.

You probably think I am some horrible mother for not adhering to a strict bedtime.

You are thinking to yourself, "YOU are the cause of your bedtime issue so you need to quit bitching about it."

It's OK. You can judge. I am woman enough to handle it.

Really.

It's not the actual bedtime that is bothering me. It's the attitude that is given when she is told that it's time to go to bed.

It doesn't matter what time it is. She whines and moans.

She equates staying up late to being an adult.

And I don't know what to do.

I am at the end of my parenting rope.

Screaming and yelling do nothing.

Sitting and talking does nothing.

I am at a loss.

I need help.

I've learned in ten years that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Summer is Here. Sort of. . .

Hey there.

How are things going?

I hope your summer is going well.

Ours just started.

Kaylee's last day was the 25th. This past Monday.

Today is Wednesday AND SHE IS ALREADY BORED!

Fuck.

It's promises to be a LONG summer break.

September can not get here soon enough.

I have plans.

I just can't seem to find the motivation to get up and do them.

I want to exercise more. More precise, I want to start a walking routine.

I walked almost two miles on Saturday. And haven't walked any since.

Hopefully I can find a way to get motivated.

OH. . .

I almost forgot.

During Kaylee's last full week of school, there was a talent show. To which Kaylee was a part of.

She sang.

Oh people, she sang her heart out.

If you have a moment, check her out.

I am SO very proud of her. She did something that I would not have had the guts to do.

This video was taken with my phone, so excuse the suckiness. Just listen.

And hold on to your pants. They're about to be blown off.

Promise.

Sadness

I have not written anything in three and a half weeks.

Almost a month.

I have not really been on twitter in about a week.

I have not been feeling it.

None of it.

I was looking through a journal and came across an entry from last summer that pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Nothing has changed.

I decided to share it with you here.

What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with the people who live in this house?

Randall went to bed at 2am. It is now 6:30PM the next day. Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK?

WAKE UP!

I understand you don’t feel well. But don’t you understand that the longer you sleep the worse you feel?

GET UP!

Spend time with me! Spend time with Kaylee!

Do you really want her looking back on her childhood and not have any memories of you? Except of you screaming at her?

You are depressed.

Stop worrying so much. I know that is easier said than done.

You are missing out on life.

Things are happening around you and you have no clue. As if you don’t even care.

It’s hard to remain positive when you are drowning in a sea of negativity. Trust me, I understand.

But I am trying.

I need you to try too.

We are a team. And right now? It feels like I am the one carrying all the weight. I need you to help me. I can’t continue to carry it all by myself.

I need you now, more than ever.

Please be strong for me.

I need you.

She Dropped a Bomb

The people who live in this house (including me) all have foul mouths.

We all cuss like sailors.

I do try to keep my language in check but there are just moments where an expletive is necessary.

Stub your toe? OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!

Burn your hand on the oven? OW! SON OF A BITCH THAT FUCKER WAS HOT! (Duh. It IS an oven)

Plus there are the "Fuck that and fuck this and fuck you's" that happen more than occasionally.

So it is actually quite amazing that Kaylee hasn't said any cuss words before now.

So is it wrong that I thought it was completely hilarious when she dropped her first F-bomb the other night?

I know. The parent in me should have been all "Blah blah blah. You shouldn't cuss. Those words are bad. Yadda yadda yadda."

But you know what?

She already knows that fuck is a bad word. Trust me. Randall and I have tried to get her to say bad words just to see if she would or not. And she would not say them. Not even with promises of ice cream or candy or even money. She would refuse.

Randall has said more than once that she is a good girl. . . But I told him. I told him that even though she doesn't say them? She is thinking them.

She is thinking them and filtering herself when she talks.

Except for the other night when she was talking to her Daddy about all of his hospital visits.

"Why would you go back there? They fuc. . ."

She froze.

"Oh my gosh I am SO sorry!" As she ran from the room and into the bathroom where she started to cry.

Bless her heart.

I guess she thought we were going to snatch her up and wash her mouth out.

I could do nothing but giggle.

And Randall sat there with his mouth open. . . In shock.

We may have even did long distance high-fives from across the room. . .

But neither of us were angry.

I know that cuss words are bad. I get it. But I am not going to punish my kid over a word. Especially a word that she hears several times throughout the day.

I am not going to punish her for letting her guard down and being unfiltered.

Does that make me a bad parent? Probably.

You know what? I really don't care.

I have raised her fairly well in the ten years she has been on this earth.

No one is perfect. We all have faults.

Mine just happens to be thinking that my kid cussing is funny as all get out.

You can like it or lump it. Either way is fine with me.

Beyond the Cracks

No one realizes how fragile she is.

She has believed herself to be made of steel for too many years. There are fine cracks within the steel that no one but herself can see. Or so she has made herself believe.

She tries to reinforce the cracks. Not realizing that the pressure with which she is using? Is only making the cracks stretch farther. Reach deeper. Down into her soul where the corrosion can not be ignored.

Her heart aches. Her mind is tired.

She looks into a mirror and tries to see beyond the cracks. . .

Tries to focus on the steel.

The silvery metal of her minds eye. . .

What has given her strength for so long. . .

Is cracking and breaking faster than what she can repair.

She is molting. Like a bird loses feathers and a snake sheds it's skin. . .

She has outgrown this shell.

What's underneath is raw. Red. Exposed.

She hopes that no one sees the mess that is her.

Although part of her is tired of caring.

She wants to be seen as she is.

Accepted for who she is.

Taken or left as she is.

Not as what others want her to be.

With Him

I am spent.

I am not sure that I have the ability to be "the strong one" any more.

It is of no news to anyone that Randall is not a well man. He has many, many issues.

In 2009 he had a heart attack. At the age of thirty-five. He also had to have two stents placed into the arteries around his heart in order to help open up the blockages.

That was three years ago. And he is having troubles with his heart again.

It was confirmed last week (as he went to the hospital with mild chest discomfort) that he has in fact had another heart attack sometime within the last three years. As I type this, he is at the hospital because he started having chest pains again.

I am trying to hold it together. Really, I am.

But I am scared.

Scared that he is going to run out of chances at living his life.

He doesn't exercise. He smokes. He is diabetic. He stays stressed out.

There is only so much I can do. I am not his mother and I am not his keeper.

He is an adult and he is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Or at least that's what he tells me.

Hopefully his eyes will be opened and he will do what needs to be done so that he can watch his little girl grow up.

I don't want her to grow up without a daddy.

I want to spend my life with him.

Grow old and gray with him.

Share remembered stories with him.

Laugh and smile and giggle with him.

Take the trips that we've dreamed about with him.

Hold our first born grandchild with him.

Please God, Open his eyes and make him see that he is running out of chances.