Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: sickness

Showing posts with label sickness. Show all posts

Ten Thought Tuesday: Stressed & Worried Edition

Hello and happy Tuesday to you.

Hoping that your week is going way better than mine is.

Are you ready for the ride that is my randomness?

Here we go:

10. Randall went to the hospital Sunday night and was subsequently admitted. Poor guy has an NG tube and is not allowed to eat or drink. There is blood in his belly and they are not sure what is causing it.

9. I am not sure how to process this information.

8. I am exhausted. Plain and simple.

7. When I am nervous and worried?? I do one of two things. I either clean or eat. Last night, I chose to clean. I did three loads of laundry and straightened up my room a little.

6. I also spent some time playing with Kaylee. She now knows how to braid her Barbie dolls' hair.

5. I might be a tiny bit awesome.

4. Today is picture day for Kaylee at school. I think the school knows when I am seriously low on funds. I wasn't able to buy the pack of pictures that I really wanted. I am kinda bummed.

3. I wish they would let you order the pictures and pay for them when they come in. But I guess that could end up with a lot of waste. Time, paper, etc., etc.

2.You have no clue how many times I have wished that it was me who was sick. . . I would so rather it be me laying in the hospital than him.

1. I am trying to be everyone's rock. What happens when I start to crumble???

Lost: My Compassion

It is really late Sunday night.

Or very early Monday morning. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

My FIL had to take Randall to the ER tonight. {I choose Sunday night since I haven't been to bed yet.}

I may have been very unsympathetic towards him and how he was feeling. Please don't judge me. Randall has had gastroparesis for almost 3 years now. I spent the first year and a half a worried, compassionate mess. I finally learned the best way to get him to the hospital was to be stern with him. Otherwise I would probably be close to insanity by now.

I may have yelled at him when he was feeling the worst.

I may have told him that I didn't want to go to the hospital with him.

I think we can all agree that I was being a bitch.

The thing is, if you have not been through one of Randall's sick episodes? You have no clue how traumatic they are for everyone.

He runs to the bathroom and vomits. . . Kaylee starts to cry.

He comes into the bedroom mutters an "I'm OK." and falls into bed. He complains about the pain he is in and complains about the nausea. Five minutes later he is running back to the bathroom. Kaylee starts to cry again.

I tell her to not cry. I tell her that we have been through this several times before. I tell her that she knows Daddy isn't well and that sometimes his tummy doesn't act right.

I get her calmed down in time for Randall to come out of the bathroom, looking like shit warmed over.

I start out asking him if he wants to go to the hospital. His answer is always "NO".

I have enough time to say the words "I really think you should go" and he is off to the bathroom again.

His puking sessions are violent and loud.

Kaylee starts to cry.

By this point I am irritated. This is where I lose any and all compassion.

I become downright mean.

I yell at Randall. I yell at Kaylee.

To my amazement Randall says he will go to the hospital. He asks his Dad to take him. {Because honestly, I am being a bitch at this point. I wouldn't want me going either.}

Which brings me to where I am now. Sitting here and waiting to hear something from my FIL from the hospital.

Having had some time to look back on my reaction? I feel pretty bad.

But if I wouldn't have been mean, he would still be here running back and forth to the bathroom until he would be so weak that he couldn't move then forcing us to call an ambulance and listen to them hem and haw as to whether they should take him to the hospital or not thus causing me to turn into super-bitch and demand that he be taken to the hospital because there is nothing that I can do for him here, when he gets sick like that he can't hold anything down not even water so how would you expect me to get him to take his PILLS?

So, while I feel bad about being a bitch, I don't because I know that my bitchiness made Randall go to the hospital before he got really, really bad.

Less stress on everyone.

Well except maybe the FIL who is stuck sitting in the hospital room with Randall.

That's an experience in and of itself too.

Please keep Randall in your thoughts and prayers. Send him good mojo and positive vibes. Toss some in there for me too, wouldja?

Long Night, Hard Day

It has been a long week.

A long week of Randall getting sick.

Every single night.

And every single night I have asked him if he wants to go to the hospital. And every single night he has said that he is OK.

And he is. Until he eats something and his stomach decides it doesn't feel like processing the food he has given it. So his stomach gives it back.

Last night was a long night.

Randall started getting sick late in the evening.

I told him he should go to the hospital.

He responded with he was fine.

This continued ALL night.

Finally at 6am, he decided he needed to go. After seeing that his meds were not going to help control the nausea.

He hates going to the hospital. And I understand why. The doctors there treat him as though he is lying about how he feels.

If I was treated that way every time I went? I wouldn't want to go either.

So I had a long night with very little sleep and now Randall is at the hospital. Hopefully they can treat him and make him feel better.

He might end up being admitted. I am not sure. It will all depend on the doctor and how he responds to the meds that are given to him.

Please send prayers, positive vibes & thoughts, good juju and whatever else you can think of so that he feels better soon.

It is greatly appreciated.

Life Got in the Way

I was going to write about the other day when Kaylee was outside playing. Talk about something she came across.

It will have to wait.

Life got in the way.

My father-in-law just took Randall to the hospital.

Gastroparesis kicking him in the ass yet again.

Sadly, I had a feeling this would happen today.

Randall just had that look about him when he woke up.

I hate when my intuitions are correct.

Now my stomach is in knots.

Kaylee is upset.

I cried. Kaylee cried.

And Randall is at the ER.

Hopefully he will be treated well.

Hopefully he won't have to be admitted.

Hopefully he will be home in a few hours.

Forgotten

When I was 7 years old, my Daddy was very, very sick.

It all started with a collapsed lung. He was having trouble breathing. He was shaking like a leaf.

Mom kept asking him if he needed to go to the hospital. He kept saying no. I guess either Mom kept nagging til he gave in or it got so bad that he knew he absolutely had to go because we loaded up in the car, with Mom driving and went to the ER.

I was in my jammies.

Ready for bed.

I was in the backseat with my favorite blanket.

Scared. I remember being so, so scared.

We got to the hospital and he was taken back immediately. There was no waiting. This was the most dire of emergencies.

I sat in the waiting room.

In my jammies.

Ready for bed.

I wrapped myself up in my favorite blanket.

Scared.

Not really understanding what was happening.

After what seemed like hours, I was able to go back and see Daddy. I remember the doctor telling Mom that they had to insert a chest tube to drain Daddy's lung and it had to be done with no anestetic. The doctor said that Daddy might have died if they would have given him anything to ease the pain.

There was blood on the floor. Daddy's blood.

I cried. How could he still be alive with this blood on the floor? He was laying down. Tubes coming out of him and machines all around him. Eyes closed.

I was so scared. I couldn't say anything to him.

He was admitted.

Mom and I went home. I think I even went to school the next day.

Mom spent as much time at the hospital as she could. I remember more than once getting off the school bus and having to sit outside on the porch because no one was home.

I was scared. I didn't understand what was going on. I wondered why I had been forgotten.

No one told me what was wrong with Daddy. No one talked to me.

I did, on occasion, get to go see him while he was in the hospital. I would go with armfuls of drawings that I had made for him. He always made sure that they were hung on the wall. Right where he could see them.

I was afraid that he would forget me. That's why I made so many drawings for him. He couldn't forget if there were reminders of me hung up everywhere.

I don't want Kaylee to be forgotten. I don't want her to be in the dark about everything that is going on with her Daddy. I don't want her to be scared and feel alone.

I am trying to keep her in the loop. I try to talk to her about everything. I try to get out of her how she feels about it all. She won't open up to me.

And that scares me. That's how I was at her age. I felt like the people who were supposed to love me the most were leaving me behind.

I am trying to do for her what my Mom didn't do for me.

Being on the other side now, I completely see and understand how Mom got so completely wrapped up in Daddy and his sickness and trying to take care of him. I get it.

I just wish she would have remembered me.

Worried Bitchiness

I am beside myself with worry.

I have been trying to keep Randall's being sick off of here simply because there is only so much I can say about it without it becoming monotonous.

But I have to vent. I have to.

Randall started getting sick on Monday. Out of nowhere. Nausea, vomiting, all the normal stuff.

I asked him several times if he wanted/needed to go to the hospital. He replied "No" every time. He kept saying that it wasn't the usual stuff. He said it felt like the flu. Which I was totally inclined to believe because he was fevered. So very, very fevered.

I did not sleep but maybe two hours Monday night. He tossed and turned and puked. And he was fevered. He was nothing but sweat. And would seek me out and try to snuggle with me. There is nothing in this world like having a cold, clammy and simultaneously sweaty man touch you.

Tuesday the vomiting stopped. He was able to sleep. He woke up in the evening still feeling bad but feeling better than he had been feeling. He could hold down water. Even drank some chicken broth.

I thought all was well with the world. I really should have known better. I should know better than to let my guard down so easily.

Because once again, Wednesday morning it all started again. I asked and asked and asked if he wanted to go to the hospital.

By the evening I was begging. I was in tears.

I was mean. No, I was an all out bitch.

At one point I stood over him trying to get him dressed and said to him, "I CAN NOT DO THIS ANY MORE! I AM DONE. FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU! I. AM. DONE! I have been strong since Monday but I can not keep it up. PLEASE GO TO THE HOSPITAL. PLEASE?"

I felt like a complete asshole.

You wouldn't understand if you're not living in the moment. And I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.

If he would just go to the hospital when it all starts, it might not be so bad. But he will wait and wait and wait until he is so weak that he can barely walk.

And that isn't fair. It causes harm to him and mental anguish to his family.

Don't take this the wrong way. I love him. I love him more than anything. It just gets really hard to deal with. Especially when it is week in and week out like it has been since before Christmas.

I know I have complained a lot about the in-laws. A lot. But I am thankful that FIL was here to take Randall to the hospital. When I am as angry as I was last night? I am no good at the hospital. I am full of attitude and bitchiness. Randall didn't need that. He needed someone who was calm and collected. Someone who could fight for him if it was needed and not end up in jail.

I could not physically bring myself to even offer to go. I helped him to get dressed. I helped him up. He told me he loved me and they were gone.

Randall was admitted, again. And once again, I have no clue how long he will be there.

I know I sound like a broken record. But I will selfishly ask if you will say a prayer for him. Please?

Ten Thought Tuesday

More weekly randomness from yours truly:

10. Is it wrong that I am having leftover fajitas for breakfast? In my defense, they are really yummy!

9. Randall is sick. Was sick all day yesterday and refuses to go to the hospital. Keeps saying that it isn't the usual stuff, that it's something different. Like the flu. We'll see.

8. I didn't sleep well at all last night.

7. He didn't sleep well either.

6. I plan on trying to take a nap. In Kaylee's bed. I am that desperate for a couple hours of sleep.

5. I don't think I will get much of a nap.

4. There are times that I wish it was possible to go back in time.

3. I would change a few things.

2. I need a vacation.

1. And maybe some alcohol.

Have a happy Tuesday!

Shadows

Yesterday was not a good day. At all.

Randall started getting sick early in the morning. And it got worse as the day progressed.

So his illness is hitting him like it did over the summer. A few days in the hospital and a few days at home.

His Dad took him to the ER at about 2:30 yesterday afternoon. I was glad. Not saying that I didn't want to be there, I did. But I don't think I could have handled it this time around. Watching him be so sick, especially in the ER, takes something out of me. It fucks me up. So I was glad to have a break from it this one time.

Didn't mean that I didn't worry any less though.

Time moved slowly and I was dreading going to pick Kaylee up from school. I really thought she would be OK with me telling her that her Daddy had to go back to the hospital. God, was I wrong.

I am always honest with her. So I told her as soon as we walked out of school.

She started crying. Big huge tears streaming down her face.

It was truly heartbreaking. I wrapped her up in a hug. As we walked home.

Today, I went to visit Randall. He had a rough night.

He looked like hell. Pale with dark, dark circles under his eyes. He looked like a shadow of himself.

He was surprised to see me. I had talked to him on the phone and he had told me not to come. Told me that he didn't want me to see him like he was. That only made me want to see him more.

He slept the majority of the time I was there. Watching him sleep was peaceful. He looked peaceful-- on the outside. On the inside I know there is hurt and pain and turmoil.

During one of his little naps, I eye-spied a small pad of paper and a pen sitting on his table. I grabbed it and started writing him a note.

I love you! Please feel better soon... You have prayers and positive vibes coming from all over the place! Please be strong. Feel the strength in me & use it to help you heal.

Love You Always & Forever,
Your Babydoll

I didn't stay long, not like I usually do. A little over an hour. I didn't want to leave but he really wasn't up to visitors.

I gathered up my things, gave him kisses and left.

I hate leaving him. I feel like I leave a piece of me there with him every time.

Not sure when he will be released. I will keep you posted.

Mother Hen-ish

Three days into the new year.

Hello to you 2011! So nice to see you come around. Can you please be an easier year for us than 2010 was?

For anyone who is wondering about Randall's last stay in the hospital, he was released the next day. So he was able to ring in the New Year with his family. It was nice to have him home.

Nice to have him home and stressful at the same time.

I have been in mother-hen mode pretty much since he walked in through the door. I know he hates mother-hen mode but he never complains about it.

Mother hen mode is me asking him a barrage of questions to see if he is OK.

This is me:

"Are you OK?"
"Do you feel OK?"
"What's wrong??"
"Are you sure you're OK?"
"Are you nauseous?"
"Are you going to throw-up??"
"Can I do anything for you?"

I know the answer to the last one would probably be, "Yeah, leave me the fuck alone." But he has never said anything like that to me, ever.

It's stressful for him. It's stressful for me. I worry so much when he gets sick like he has been. He tries to protect me when things start getting bad. He will tell me that everything is fine. Sadly, I have been down this road way too many times before and I know that we will be visiting the hospital sometime soon.

He slept all day Sunday. When the pain is as severe as it has been, that is how he deals with it. He sleeps. And I leave him alone. I let him sleep. I figure that when he sleeps his body is healing. And then I hope that when he wakes up, he feels a little bit better than he did before.

He finally woke up around midnight, maybe a little later. And asked for some soup. As I was leaving the room, he looks at me and says, "Thank you. Thank you for letting me sleep and thank you for taking care of me. I don't know how you have stayed with me as long as you have. Especially since I have been so sick. If it was reversed and you were the sick one, I would stay with you of course but it would be hard."

Wait... What?

I just nodded my head. Pretty sure he didn't mean that to come out the way it did. He's funny with his words sometimes. I know that if the situation was reversed, he would do all that I have done for him plus some.

So remember my makeover by Kaylee last week? The one where Randall got a makeover too? Well, I asked him and was quickly told that I was not allowed to post those pictures, ever.

Heh.

I figured if I couldn't post the whole picture, I would post part of the picture!

Hee hee! I can be so freaking sneaky sometimes!

Without further adieu, here's part of Randall's make-over picture:

Think he was just a little surprised?

I giggle every time I look at this picture. It is priceless!

So much for trying to tell me what I can and can't post!

Hee hee!

His Home Away From Home...

OK, I just need to take a few minutes and vent.

Hope you don't mind...

Had to take Randall to the hospital again this evening. He started throwing up this morning, early, and continued to do so all day long. I asked him several times if he wanted to go to the hospital. He declined.

It angered me. It angered me that he was being so damn stubborn.

He caught me napping sometime during the morning and went and laid on the couch, in the living room, where Kaylee was up and watching TV.

He continued to throw up. He scared the shit out of Kaylee.

This pissed me off when I woke and discovered that he had not been in bed for quite a while.

I yelled at him.

I feel bad about it now. But in the moment I was beyond angry. Why the fuck would you put your baby girl through something like that?

I am scared shitless that she will end up being scarred from all of this.

Anyway...

After vomiting for 7 hours pretty much non-stop, he decided that he was ready to go to the hospital. Of course he was too weak for us to get him out to the car. FIL called 911.

I forgot to mention that due to all the vomiting and him being unable to keep anything down, he was passing out. That is always fun. Especially when it happens right in front of your child.

There is nothing I hate to hear more than Kaylee screaming out, "DADDY!!!".

The fear in her voice breaks my heart. And while I am trying to reassure her that he is OK, I am trying to not freak out myself. It's not easy to do.

We get to the ER, get into a room and wait 30 minutes for a doctor to come in. Doctor comes in and says she has been looking over Randall's chart and sees that he has been there several times in the past for the same thing and tells him that she will not give him pain meds of any sort because it has been marked in his chart that he only comes in looking for pain meds. But she will be more than happy to give him something for nausea.

I was pissed. I wanted to say so many things to this lady and did not. Randall tried to fight for himself but gave up. He felt that damn bad.

Weirdly enough, 10 minutes later, another doctor came in to see Randall. I talked to this doctor. I explained to this doctor that Randall is in pain 24/7. That he has pain all the time but that when he goes on a vomiting spree like today that it makes the pain 100 times worse. I explained that when he is as bad as he is, he is admitted and given IV nausea and pain meds. That controlling the pain will help to control the nausea and vomiting. I thought this doctor was actually going to 'get it'. I thought he understood. I thought he would help.

I am here to tell you that the whole time Randall was in the ER, a whole five and a half hours he never received any pain meds. He continued to vomit even with Zofran for nausea.

At one point, as Randall was throwing up, he looked at me and said, "I give up. I. give. up. I can't do this any more. I can't go on like this."

Do you know what it's like to hear the one you love tell you that they quit?

Do you know what it's like to hear him cry for someone to help him.

It's discouraging. It's scary. It's sad.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

To see him begging for help...

To hear him cry...

It broke my heart.

So I am worried and scared.

Scared that no matter how much I love him and tell him to fight that he might give up. Give up and leave Kaylee and I here, alone.

So I will ask, as I always selfishly do, if you will say a prayer for Randall?

Maybe send a positive thought or two his way?

Cross your fingers and toes that he will wake up in the morning feeling better?

Please?

I Just Knew

I am exhausted.

Beyond exhausted actually. But that's what happens when you spend the night in the ER.

Randall was sick yesterday. It started early in the morning. He took a nap and seemed OK when he woke up in the afternoon. Then, at dinner, all hell broke loose.

We had Subway. He didn't even finish his sandwich. I could tell by looking at him that he was going to vomit. We have been down this road so many times in the past, I just knew.

Sure enough, not five minutes later, he was in the bathroom. And it just got worse from there.

By 11pm I was begging him to go to the hospital. He kept telling me he was fine.

I just knew.

After the 10th time he went running to the bathroom, he was ready to go.

So we got dressed and headed off to the ER. We got there just a little bit after midnight.

After waiting two and a half hours, with Randall stumbling to the bathroom to vomit and passing out in his chair from the stress of all the vomiting, he was taken back.

From here on out, I spent most of my time pretty pissed off.

Usually, when he is taken back they immediately give him an IV and get anti-nausea and pain meds going to try and make him comfortable. Not this time.

The ER doc was the mousy brown haired, nerdy type and she would not give him an IV. She instead offered him shots. A shot of dilaudid in his arm and a shot of nausea medicine in his hip. These did nothing for him. As a matter of fact, he vomited more.

Two hours later {for a running total of 4 hours, 2 in the waiting room and 2 actually being seen} she gives in and orders an IV to be put in. He gets Zofran for the nausea. She refuses to give him pain meds through his IV. She will only give him pills, which he keeps throwing up. In a round about way, she is saying that he is seeking pain meds, she orders everything but IV pain meds.

Now I can understand where she is coming from. But if the patient is in pain, and pills are not working, especially since said patient is vomiting, wouldn't it be better for everyone all around to give meds by IV?

Isn't their main goal to make the patient as comfortable as possible?

Unfortunately, after all his visits this summer, the ER has pretty much labeled him as a drug seeker. They do not understand that he is in constant pain from the gastroparesis but that when he starts vomiting and it gets as severe as it did last night, his pain becomes unbearably worse. The more pain he has the more he vomits. It is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Back to the hospital...

After the DR came in and said she would order an IV for him, we didn't see her the rest of the night. The nurse came and went a few times. From about 6am to 7:15am, we seen no one. Well I seen no one, Randall was sleeping here and there. By 7:30 a new nurse popped in, saying that she was taking over from the night shift and informed us that Randall would be admitted.

Wait... What?

This was something that could have been told to us a long time ago. By the night shift nurse. Surely this knowledge was bestowed upon her before she clocked out and left...

Stupid, inconsiderate people.

"Do you want me to stay until they take you to your room, babe?", I ask. Because as much as I want to remain there, I need to go home too. I am sore. I am tired. I have had enough of the hospital.

"No Babydoll. You can head on home. You don't have to stay." He is barely awake.

I am not sure he even really knows what is going on.

I grab my stuff and kiss him several times on the head. I tear up because it hurts my heart to see him lying there so helpless and sick.

I tell him I love him and I leave.

It was a long night. A long night that I ended up biting my tongue.

But I knew it would end like it did.

I just knew.

Time for a Nap

Kaylee stayed home from school today.

She was not feeling well when she came home from school yesterday.

So much so that after we walked in the door, she informed me that she was going to take a nap.

Totally unlike her.

Kaylee has not taken a nap since she was little. And even then, it was a fight to get her to lay down.

It's always been hard to get her to lay down to go to sleep period. She has never liked going to bed.

Lately, I have been telling her to enjoy being able to take a nap when she can. That as you get older you don't have the opportunity for naps as much as you do when you are younger.

She always looks at me like I am insane.

I am not crazy.

I just like sleep. Especially when I have trouble sleeping. Like I have been here lately.

When I go to bed and I can not stop thinking about things, I know right then that it will be a long night.

What sucks is that I am not thinking about important things. Well not all the time.

More often than not, I am thinking about things that have happened in the past. Thinking about how I could have done something different to change the outcome of a situation. It's not like I can go back in time and actually make the changes so I don't know why I obsess over it.

Pretty sure I have OCD on some level or another.

Or, maybe I really am crazy...

Comforts of Mom

Having a sick kid is never fun.

Having a sick kid over a weekend is even less fun.

Kaylee's field trip was on Friday. She had such a good time. I was glad. The only thing she didn't enjoy was the fact that they had to eat their lunch on the bus, on the way back to school. Can't say that I blame her on that.

When I picked her up from school, she didn't look right to me. I asked her if she had been crying. She replied with a resounding "NO, I have not!"

So I let it go.

Later in the evening, she started complaining about her throat hurting.

Uh oh, this is not gonna be pretty.

By eight she is completely miserable. She is fevered. Her throat is killing her. She feels like shit.

By nine she is ready for bed. Already in her jammies and coming to tell me she wants to go to bed. Highly unusual for her since on Friday and Saturday she gets to stay up later. I'm a softy and let her stay up 'til eleven on the weekends.

She tells everyone good night. I head to the kitchen to get her a bottle of water. I turn around and she is standing there.

"What's wrong Pumpy?" Pumpy is short for Pumpkin, my nickname for her since she was born.

She croaks out, "I want you. I really don't feel good."

And she walks to me, hugs me. She's in tears she feels so bad. She just wants some love and comfort from her Mama.

Who hasn't been in that position before? Who hasn't wanted the comfort of someone special when they feel like crap?

So I wrap her up in a hug, kiss her on the head and walk her to her room. I get her all tucked in. "Will you lay down with me? I feel horrible Mama."

Of course I lay down with her. I have to be under the covers, she is happy no other way. She snuggles up to me and lays her head on my chest. Memories come flooding back of holding her as a baby. How she needed and relied on me for everything. How peaceful it could be to just hold her and watch her sleep. I am saddened a little. There won't be many more opportunities like this.

Tears are falling. From her, even though I am a little misty eyed. I rub her back and tell her to concentrate on going to sleep. She moans and whines and cries some more. I am doing the best I can to comfort her. Finally, after about 20 minutes, she calms down enough for me to get up. She isn't asleep but she is calm. She is some what comforted. She really didn't want me to leave.

I tell her that she will go to sleep easier if I'm not in bed with her anyway.

Ten minutes later she was fast asleep.

I wish I could say she woke up Saturday feeling all better. I would be a liar if I did. She felt rotten all day.

Sunday she felt a little better but was not 100%. That means she was kept home from school today.

Hopefully she will be able to go back to school Tuesday. She can be a real bear when she's been cooped up for such a long time.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Feel Bad Decorating

I am having a hard time getting my shit together today.

Once again, I do not feel well. My throat is sore once more.

I feel like my head is bigger than the rest of my body. And I'm a little woozy.

I'm a little worried about the sore throat. How many times can you have a sore throat before it turns really serious?

Anyway...

I have tried to write about several different things and they have all ended up seeming stupid to me. So you are stuck with me babbling about random stuff.

Hoping to get some decorations up soon. But it's not my call as to when the decorations get put up. That is all up to the MIL. Somehow she has the say as to when decorations get put up around here. Even though it's not her house.

I'm sure you're thinking, 'If you want decorations up just put them up.'

It's not that easy. The decorations are in storage, outside, under lock and key. A lock to which I have no key. So I can not just put decorations up when I want to.

Also, when the decorations do come out? I have to invite myself to help decorate.

My MIL likes to do everything on her own. With no help. Well with no help from me, Kaylee or Randall. I have went to bed, with them only supposed to 'get the decorations out' and have gotten up with the tree up and decorated.

What the what?

I am then left wanting to say something. But I do not. At least not to her.

I bitch to Randall. There isn't anything he can do but I bitch anyway. Bitching to him doesn't cause knock down drag out arguments. If I complained to her, it would start a fight.

A fight because she is stingy with the decorations.

A fight because she is opinionated and can only have things done her way.

It's her way or no way.

So I just deal with it. Me forever trying to be the peace keeper.

But on the inside I am cussing like a sailor.

Hope your Wednesday has been more together than mine has!

Find more pictures at the Wordless Wednesday website!

Looking for Miracles

I need a miracle.

No.

Scratch that.

I need more than one miracle. I need a bushel basket filled with miracles!

I need something that will make Randall better. Something that will take away the pain and nausea that plague him on a daily basis. I need something that will keep him out of the hospital, if not permanently, then at least out longer than a week at a time.

I need some way to generate income. Well, more income than what we have. My problem is that I am not going to go get a job just for the other 2 adults in this house (yes, that would be the in-laws I'm talking about) to sit around and do nothing. If I'm gonna get a job one or both of them need to do the same! Randall is not well enough to work. Honestly, I don't think he will ever be able to work again.

My world as I once knew it has slowly started crashing down around me.

I try to stay positive. Key word there is "try". I try to look at the positives that I do have.

I have a healthy, beautiful and smart daughter. She has comforted me more than once since Randall has taken ill. I swear she is wise beyond her years and was born with an old soul. She will be an awesome mother when her time comes.

I have awesome friends and family. Unfortunately they all live far away. But the support I get from the phone and computer work just fine, most days. I have days where I could use their support in person but that just isn't possible.

I have everything I need. Well almost everything I need. There are things that I want but isn't that life? Don't we all have things we want? Things that you strive to get? Things that you don't necessarily need but would love to have? These are things that I have tried to set goals for. Things to work towards... I just at this moment in time, see those goals never coming to fruition.

Remember, I said I try to stay positive... Today hasn't been one of my positive days...

Take me with a grain of salt.

Then maybe slam a shot of Tequila after.

Hope your week has been better than mine.

Will It Ever End?

Just when I think things are starting to look up... They take a dive into the crapper!

Randall was admitted to the hospital last night... The poor guy. I feel so bad for him. Especially when I can't really do anything. He made it out about 10 days from the last time he was admitted. I really had hope that he would be OK and be able to be out for awhile. I didn't go with to the ER with him this time around... He asked his Dad to take him. Unfortunately this does nothing for my nerves. It is 7:37AM and I have not slept yet. I will go try to cat nap here shortly.

I hate that he is in the hospital yet again.

I hate that he will probably miss Kaylee's first day of school (which is Wednesday, by the way)

I hate that now I will have to scramble and ride the city bus to try and finish up school shopping.

I hate that I don't drive.

I hate that I feel like a loser.

Geez... I'm a downer.

On the bright side (if you want to call it that) what do you think of my new look? I did it all by my self! I like it! I needed a change from the old theme I had...

Well, after 10 minutes of babbling here, I think I am ready to head to bed... Please keep positive thoughts and prayers headed Randall's way! They are so very much appreciated!

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Goodbye Summer!

This summer has truly sucked, in every sense of the word. I am ready for it to be over. Hopefully a new season will bring less sickness and less stress to my home...

It seems like school just let out and here we are two weeks away from it starting back up again. With Randall being so sick since May, the summer (or lack there of) has been a total blur. I feel like I have spent more time at the hospital than I have at home. Which I guess if I think about it, I probably have...

I have tried to make things as normal as they can be for Kaylee. She learned to ride her bike this summer. She got to play in the sprinkler on the overly hot days. She read quite a few books this summer (she so takes after me when it comes to books!). I have spent time just hanging out with her (I think that has been my most favorite thing to do). We have planned several times to go to the Nisqually National Wildlife Refuge (our favorite place to go for nature walks!) but have had to cancel it every single time due to illness. I am hoping that we will be able to get out there before school starts back or at least before the weather turns cold.

I have had quite a few dark days this summer where I felt like I was at the end of my rope and about to lose my grip. Stress and worry will do that to ya. I am making my way through it all, slowly but surely. Having your significant other be so sick and pretty much tell you that he was tired of fighting and really wanted to give up can kinda screw you up in the head. I have spent a bunch of time praying. If nothing else I have definitely gotten closer to God this summer.

One of my favorite moments happened just a couple of weeks ago... Randall was sitting on the bed looking at me and out of the blue said, "I am falling in love with you all over again."

Me being sarcastic had to say, "Is that good or bad??"

He replied with, "It's good. It's not that I ever fell out of love with you, it's that I am falling deeper into love with you."

Yes, in case you were wondering, I did cry just a little bit. I guess being sick has given him a new perspective on things... He knows that I have run myself ragged trying to take care of him and knows that I have had moments where I have felt totally unappreciated. It made me feel good to hear him say what he said.

Another plus this summer has been weight loss. MY weight loss to be exact. Would you believe that since May, I have lost 30 pounds?? Randall has noticed this too and has started calling me his "skinny minny" LOL. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am skinny. I'm not. Not by a long shot. But it made me feel good to know that he noticed the weight loss. I would like to add another 70 pounds to the 30 already lost for a grand total of 100 pounds. Wish me luck!

With all that has happened I am ready to bid summer a not so fond farewell and move on to Fall & Winter. I can only hope and pray that a change in season will bring a much needed change to my life and my family's life!

Dear Jesus,

Divine physician and healer of the sick, we turn to You in this time of illness. O dearest comforter of the troubled, alleviate our worry and sorrow with Your gentle love and grant us the grace and strength to accept this burden. We place our worries in Your hands. We place Randall under Your care and humbly ask that You restore Your servant to health again.

Above all, grant us the grace to acknowledge Your holy will and know that whatsoever You do, You do for the love of us.

Amen.

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Randall was admitted to the hospital again last night. There is no rhyme or reason. There isn't one specific thing that sets off the gastroparesis. His stomach decides when and if it wants to work or not... It's very frustrating. It makes it worse when the ER doctors just think he is there looking for pain meds.

We were lucky last night to get a doc that was compassionate and caring. She took good care of him. I figured that she would treat and release but she didn't. To my surprise she said almost from the beginning that she would make sure he was admitted. That has never happened on the first visit. We usually have to go back at least 3, sometimes 4 times before they will admit him.

I don't know how long he will be in this go 'round. I am asking for you to keep him in your thoughts and prayers for a speedy and quick recovery!

Thank You!

Sunday Rambling

Stealing an internet connection from the library is getting old. Although it really isn't stealing when they provide free WIFI access. It just feels like stealing to me... I didn't have a connection all day Friday OR Saturday... That was really irritating...

Randall has been in the hospital since Thursday. Nothing different, just a flare up of gastroparesis. He had to go to the ER THREE times before he was admitted. We tried to get him in before it got bad, but the ER docs have no clue. They don't get it. I don't even think they understand what gastroparesis is. Most of them give you a blank stare when they are told what his illnesses are. You wouldn't believe how many times I heard, "You need to find a doctor and follow up regularly.". I just want to scream: "HE HAS A DOCTOR, FIVE OF THEM TO BE EXACT! HE DOES FOLLOW UP. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HIS STOMACH IS GOING TO ACT UP. WHEN IT DOES AND IT'S BAD; Y'KNOW NON-STOP VOMITING THAT LASTS ALL DAY, HE HAS BEEN TOLD TO COME TO THE ER SO HE CAN BE LOOKED AFTER! NOW HOP OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE AND HELP MY HUSBAND!". Unfortunately, if I would have screamed that I would have been promptly escorted off the premises by security and maybe even put in jail.

I am exhausted. I never sleep well while he is in the hospital. I feel like I am being a shitty Mom to Kaylee though. I have let her stay up WAY, WAY, WAY later than what she should be, and then the in-laws let her get back up after they know I've gone to bed. Pisses me off. I feel like they're undermining me. Of course I don't say anything because it would be a BIG argument and it would be two against one AND I'm not subjecting Kaylee to any of that. I'll just save it up for when the playing field is even...

Does any of this make ANY sense? I really am just rambling on... Doesn't matter, I don't think anyone reads my bullshit anyway.

My brother sent me a message on facebook asking about Randall. Totally amazed me. Not that I think he really cares, I just think he was being nosy. I have a strained relationship with my brother and sister. That's another story for another time...

I think I will try and get some sleep.

Hoping your Sunday is filled with fun and happiness!

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