Hope you don't mind...
Had to take Randall to the hospital again this evening. He started throwing up this morning, early, and continued to do so all day long. I asked him several times if he wanted to go to the hospital. He declined.
It angered me. It angered me that he was being so damn stubborn.
He caught me napping sometime during the morning and went and laid on the couch, in the living room, where Kaylee was up and watching TV.
He continued to throw up. He scared the shit out of Kaylee.
This pissed me off when I woke and discovered that he had not been in bed for quite a while.
I yelled at him.
I feel bad about it now. But in the moment I was beyond angry. Why the fuck would you put your baby girl through something like that?
I am scared shitless that she will end up being scarred from all of this.
After vomiting for 7 hours pretty much non-stop, he decided that he was ready to go to the hospital. Of course he was too weak for us to get him out to the car. FIL called 911.
I forgot to mention that due to all the vomiting and him being unable to keep anything down, he was passing out. That is always fun. Especially when it happens right in front of your child.
There is nothing I hate to hear more than Kaylee screaming out, "DADDY!!!".
The fear in her voice breaks my heart. And while I am trying to reassure her that he is OK, I am trying to not freak out myself. It's not easy to do.
We get to the ER, get into a room and wait 30 minutes for a doctor to come in. Doctor comes in and says she has been looking over Randall's chart and sees that he has been there several times in the past for the same thing and tells him that she will not give him pain meds of any sort because it has been marked in his chart that he only comes in looking for pain meds. But she will be more than happy to give him something for nausea.
I was pissed. I wanted to say so many things to this lady and did not. Randall tried to fight for himself but gave up. He felt that damn bad.
Weirdly enough, 10 minutes later, another doctor came in to see Randall. I talked to this doctor. I explained to this doctor that Randall is in pain 24/7. That he has pain all the time but that when he goes on a vomiting spree like today that it makes the pain 100 times worse. I explained that when he is as bad as he is, he is admitted and given IV nausea and pain meds. That controlling the pain will help to control the nausea and vomiting. I thought this doctor was actually going to 'get it'. I thought he understood. I thought he would help.
I am here to tell you that the whole time Randall was in the ER, a whole five and a half hours he never received any pain meds. He continued to vomit even with Zofran for nausea.
At one point, as Randall was throwing up, he looked at me and said, "I give up. I. give. up. I can't do this any more. I can't go on like this."
Do you know what it's like to hear the one you love tell you that they quit?
Do you know what it's like to hear him cry for someone to help him.
It's discouraging. It's scary. It's sad.
I cried. I couldn't help it.
To see him begging for help...
To hear him cry...
It broke my heart.
So I am worried and scared.
Scared that no matter how much I love him and tell him to fight that he might give up. Give up and leave Kaylee and I here, alone.
So I will ask, as I always selfishly do, if you will say a prayer for Randall?
Maybe send a positive thought or two his way?
Cross your fingers and toes that he will wake up in the morning feeling better?