Resolute

It's five days into the new year.

I stopped making resolutions eons ago. Only because I never made any that I stuck with. Ever.

They were the same every year.

Lose weight.

Stop biting my nails (happy to say I finally conquered this one. :)

Find a new job. (From when I was working.)

You get the gist, right?

I realized one year that there was no reason to make these silly resolutions that were forgotten almost as quickly as they were made.

And that was that.

I have not made a resolution in a good fifteen years.

And now we have this year.

2013

I still haven't made any resolutions. Instead, I have made a few goals.

I don't want to list them out here.  Some are personal and I'm not ready to share yet.

But these goals were formed because I have had a feeling about 2013. This year is going to be different.

I can feel it.

This is my year.

Good things are going to happen.

I just have to grab the bull by the horns.

I will not sit idly by and let things pass me up this year.

This? Is my year.

It so is.

Hello, 2013. So nice to see you.


Few and Far

So it's clear that my posts are few and far between.

I think that's to be expected during the holiday season. But it seems like it's more to me. I have been posting sporadically for a while now.

I have things to say. I just don't think anyone wants to read them. And that's OK.

I started this blog for myself.

To write.

To process.

To heal.

Anyone who stumbles through is welcome to read and comment if they are moved to. But it isn't necessary.

I had thoughts of shutting this space down.

There comes a time when you reach a point and go, "What the fuck am I doing this for?"

I know that I will never be a rich and famous Blogger.

I don't plan on writing a book.

I don't plan on doing reviews.

I don't plan on doing giveaways.

I don't have a meme or link-up for everyone to join in on.

What I do have is my stories.

My life.

Past, present and future.

Daily life has been crazy lately but hopefully I can keep my posts from being so far and few.

Melancholy Mess

Maybe it's the weather.

It has been dark and grey for a few days.

Maybe it's the events of the last week that have left me wanting to pull my hair out. (I would elaborate but I just can't right now.)

Whatever it is, I am feeling down.

I am sad.

I am lonely.

Maybe it's because it's Christmas time and my heart just isn't in it this year.

Maybe I am missing my family.

I wish like nothing else that I could secretly get to Ohio and surprise my Mom.

Even though she guilts me and makes me feel bad, I miss her.

I have not seen her in four years. And I don't know how much longer she's going to be around.

That? The not knowing? Is killing me.

I may not ever be able to get back and see her.

That breaks my heart.

I am broken and drifting in a melancholy mess.

Ten Thought Tuesday




Hey there!

From the looks of my calendar, it is Tuesday.

Ready to ride the random train?


Here we go:


10.  Randall's birthday is on Thursday. I wish I had the money to get him all the things that he wants. But I don't so he will have to settle for all my love and a nice birthday dinner.

9.  I also can not believe that CHRISTMAS is right around the freaking corner.

8.  I have done nothing.  NO SHOPPING whatsoever has been done.

7.  I am the queen of procrastination.  Pretty sure.

6.  Decorations haven't been put up yet either.  By the time they are put up it will be time for them to be taken down.

5.  Decorations are not my department.  In case you were wondering.

4.  It has been tradition that decorations get put up on Randall's birthday.  Not my tradition.  If it were up to me?  Decorations would have been put up on the first of December.  Whatever.

3.  Still plugging along trying to find a job. . .  So far I have heard nothing.

2.  Trying to stay positive but it's hard.

1.  Looking forward to the holiday season being over.  This is my least favorite time of year.



What about you?  
What's your random?




Taking a Step

I did something last night that I never, in a million years thought that I would do. . .

I was chatting with my sister via Yahoo! Messenger. . .

And we were just talking about various things.

Then we were talking about Dad. The 25th anniversary of his death was this past Monday. . . And she asked me if I remembered the night he died.

I responded with a yes.  I was thinking about all the things I have shared here about that night.

She asked if I kept a journal.

I was hesitant.  Because I don't in the respect that I have a book in which I write my thoughts and feelings.

I told her no.

And then changed it to "But I do have a blog and have shared some things on there."

We talked a little more and then I decided to share a post with her.

This is big for me people.  I have kept this space here to myself since I started it.

No one outside of Randall and Kaylee know about this space.

And I shared it with my sister.

Told her that I wanted her to look around.

Read my stories.

See me.




Hi sissy.

I want you to know that you will find some links that will take you to a blank page. That is because I took the post down, a few months ago, as I didn't feel they should be displayed any longer.

Nothing against anyone.  No bad words have been spoken. I just didn't want them to be "out there" any longer.

There are stories here that will probably surprise you.  Things that I did as a teenager that no one knew about. . .

But I want you to know.  These stories are me.  My thoughts.  My feelings. Me.

I want to list some posts out for you. . .  I hope that's OK.


And a couple of funnies:
There is more here.  Just take your time and look around. . .

If you want to that is.

Thanks for taking a little time to see me.

Love you.


Me.







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My Ponderings

2011 can suck it. (2) 4th Grade (1) 9/11 (1) A decade feels like forever but it is only a drop in the bucket of life. (1) A picture is worth a thousand words. (1) abortion (1) Acknowledge and let go. (1) And then my head exploded. (1) Arguing doesn't solve anything (1) awkward (1) Awkwardness (1) Back to School (3) Bad decisions (1) Being sick sucks. (2) Beyond the Cracks (1) birthday (4) Cancer can SUCK IT. (1) Cancer sucks for animals as well as humans. (1) Change is what you make it. (1) Choices (2) Consensus on twitter? I am not alone in my feelings. Heh. (1) craziness (2) Daddy (5) Daddy passed away from lung cancer 2 years later. (1) Decisions (3) diabetes (4) distractions (1) Double Digits (1) Dreams (1) Driver2 really does have a crush on me. (1) duct tape crafts (1) Dysfunctional families (1) Embarrassed (1) Emotional scars heal but they still leave behind pain. (1) Facebook has let me down. (1) family (40) Farts are funny (2) fiction (1) Fireworks are AWESOME (1) Friendships Lost (1) Fuck you very much (1) funny (18) gastroparesis (13) Getting my days mixed up means I'm getting old. PFFFFFT. Whatever. (1) growing up (10) Guest Posting (2) Happy Birthday Daddy. (1) Happy Birthday Kaylee (1) HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY (2) healing (1) Heart attacks are no joke. (1) heart health (2) Hidden away in a journal (1) holidays (6) hookers (1) hospital (12) humor (3) I am not a Freaking FAIRY (1) I am the female version of Weird Al. (1) I did not feel this way being pregnant with Kaylee. (1) I don't like being mean but sometimes it's necessary. (1) I feel close to my sister again. (1) I get a kick out of irritating people. (1) I giggle at inappropriateness (1) I hate being accused of something I didn't do. (1) I hate when the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. (1) I have only been drunk once and No I didn't eat before hand. It wasn't pretty. (1) I just want to PEE IN PEACE. Is that so wrong? (1) I know I am WAY TOO LENIENT. I KNOW. (1) I like making things out of duct tape. (1) I look forward to June (1) I love my family more than words can express. (1) I love Randall more than words (2) I love twitter. (2) I married the man in this story on September 11th 1996. (1) I miss my sister (1) I need him as much if not more than what he needs me. (1) I realize now just how badly things COULD have turned out. Didn't think about it then. (1) I really wouldn't grab my doctors balls. But it's funny to think about. Isn't it? (1) I said 'fuck' a lot. Sorry. (1) I was a good girl once. Really. (1) I will not be treated like my opinion doesn't count ANYMORE (1) I will not win Parent of the Year for 2012. That's for sure. (1) I wish I had the guts to say all of this to my Mom. (1) I would never duct tape the kid but I HAVE thought about it. Heh. (1) I would rather be pissed off than pissed on. Hee hee. (1) If I'm my own rock does that make me Bipolar? NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE (1) If only life were as easy as it is in movies. (1) In my head (1) In the Moment (1) Insomnia sucks (4) irritation (2) It's no fun being in the ER (1) Jealousy (1) Karma (1) kaylee (49) Kaylee was conceived BECAUSE of 9/11. (1) Kaylee will always be my baby no matter how old she is. (1) Less Than (1) Let me be. (1) life (120) Listen up 2012. . . I will have none of this suckass-ness already. (1) Living life in the PNW. (1) Living unfiltered (1) living with diabetes (3) Looking for my sanity. Have you seen it? (1) Looking for my voice. Have you seen it? (1) Losing a parent when you are nine is hard. (1) love (22) M'mmm FOOD. (1) May 10 2012 (1) me (17) memories (19) mental abuse (1) miscarriage (1) Mom (4) Mom of the year here I come. (2) MOM? I'M BOOORRRREEEDDD. (2) Motherhood (2) Mt. Rainier (1) My doctor? Also put me on a prenatal vitamin. I am not preggy. He said it's good for me. He might be nuts. (1) My feelings get hurt often. (1) My organizational skills are lacking. (2) Nisqually National Wildlife Refuge (1) No compassion (1) Not sure what caused the pain. Wonder if it was just stress? (1) Oh the places I'd go. (1) Only a Daydream (1) Organized Chaos (1) Pain in the Chest (1) Parenting (4) Parenting Fail (1) Parenting is hard yo. (1) pondering (6) pour your heart out (10) prayer (4) pregnancy (1) Pretty sure the snooze button is the devil. (1) Questions from Kris (2) Quiet morning time is quite enjoyable. (1) ramble (7) Randall (46) random (18) Randomness from Me :) (32) Release The Krackens (1) remembrance (2) Respect (1) routines (1) sad (6) Sad and Romantic (1) sadness (3) Salmon is still pink no matter what any man says (1) Save the Drama for your Mama. (1) secondary adrenal insufficiency (3) Secret guilty pleasures are no longer secret. Heh. (1) sexual abuse (1) Shadows of the Past (2) She dropped a bomb on me. (1) She is me. Obviously. (1) siblings (1) sickness (24) Sigh (6) Silence is golden. Then you remember you have kids. (1) silliness (5) sisterhood (2) snarky (2) Some people might be inclined to think she was being taken advantage of. She has considered this. (1) Some things make me feel really old (2) Sometimes smoke and mirrors are used to keep you from seeing the real me. (1) Somewhere along the way things changed (1) Sprouting boobies would be funny (1) Squeaky McSqueakerson (1) stress (9) Ten Thought Tuesday (43) Ten Years Ago Today (1) That girl can SING (1) The Land of WA. (1) the man here was three times older than me. (1) Things that make me laugh (2) Things that rattle around in my head (1) Thinking about giving up the whole blogging thing. . . Really. (1) This is a touchy subject. (1) This is not about Randall or Kaylee. (1) This is only part of the story. The other half belongs to Randall. I can only tell my part. (1) This post is WAY WAY longer than it should be. Sorry. (1) This time of year is hard for me. If I could I would crawl in a hole and hide until February. (1) This was one of the hardest things I have ever done (1) Thoughtfulness (2) Time will tell (1) Today is my Birthday. (1) Tootin' (1) Trying to heal from things of the past (1) twitter (1) unexpected lessons (1) Unexpected things (1) Used to love using the posties. . . Decided to use them today. (1) We are still walking on the same path together. (1) We need some good around here right now. (1) What do you think? (1) What the fuck is wrong with me? (1) What would you do? (1) What? (1) Who daydreams about being old and gray? THIS CHICK DOES. What? (1) With Him (1) Wordless Wednesday (9) Writer's Workshop (8) WTF? (1) Yes I DO shop at thrift stores. (1) You are dead to me if you don't like bacon. OK. Not really. (1) You might learn more than you want to about me (1)