Resolute

It's five days into the new year.

I stopped making resolutions eons ago. Only because I never made any that I stuck with. Ever.

They were the same every year.

Lose weight.

Stop biting my nails (happy to say I finally conquered this one. :)

Find a new job. (From when I was working.)

You get the gist, right?

I realized one year that there was no reason to make these silly resolutions that were forgotten almost as quickly as they were made.

And that was that.

I have not made a resolution in a good fifteen years.

And now we have this year.

2013

I still haven't made any resolutions. Instead, I have made a few goals.

I don't want to list them out here.  Some are personal and I'm not ready to share yet.

But these goals were formed because I have had a feeling about 2013. This year is going to be different.

I can feel it.

This is my year.

Good things are going to happen.

I just have to grab the bull by the horns.

I will not sit idly by and let things pass me up this year.

This? Is my year.

It so is.

Hello, 2013. So nice to see you.

Share

Somewhere Along the Way Things Changed

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing.

WHO am I?

WHAT am I doing?

WHERE did the time go?

WHEN will things start to change?

WHY am I here?

HOW did I get to this point in my life?

All things that I think about at least once a day.  At least.

I know that I have not grown into the adult that teenage me thought she would be.  I can remember telling people that I wanted to become a doctor and start research to find a cure for cancer.  I didn't want other kids losing their dads to cancer like I did. . .  I have no clue what happened to that motivated little girl.

I remember through high school becoming tired.

I was tired of school.  I didn't want to do it any more.

I almost didn't graduate because I slacked off so much.

Don't tell my Mom because I don't think she realizes that.

I had work and a boyfriend (who later became my fiancee and then my first husband) and I was just done with the bullshit.

There was also a time during my senior year that I almost joined the Army.  Almost.

I had spoken to the recruiter several times. He frequented my high school regularly.  I went and watched the videos and listened to the stories.  And came THISCLOSE to joining. . .  Then my soon to be hubby started asking me what would happen to "us".  What would happen to him while I was away at boot camp and where would we live and would that mean that we would have to move. . .  And so very many more questions-- from him.

I can remember not really caring what he thought (and that should have clued me in to something. Also probably why he's the ex-hubby now too).  But eventually, because I cared for him and thought I loved him, I decided not to carry on with joining the Army.

I gave in to his wants and his needs.  I put my hopes, my dreams on the back burner.

Something that I never thought I would do.  Ever.

Somewhere along the way things changed.  I changed.

That was the start of me doing for others to make them happy.  My happiness didn't matter.

It is something that I still do to this day.

I put others before myself.  Some may look at it as being selfless.  I am starting to look at it as being stupid.

How can I make other people happy if I am not happy myself?

Share

There is me

I am 22 years old.

I am empowered.

I have made a life changing decision.

I have finally found the words to tell my husband that I am not happy and I want out.  That I want a divorce.

Not long after this decision has been made I find out that I am pregnant.

I am not happy about this pregnancy.  This is not the right time to be pregnant.

I have just turned my life upside down.

I tell my soon to be ex about this turn of events.

He is elated.  He thinks this means reconciliation.

I immediately stop him in his tracks.

I am not in love with him.  Being pregnant does not mean that the marriage is saved.

I weigh my options.

I can have the baby.  

I can put the baby up for adoption.

I can have an abortion.

I consider all these options.

If I have the baby, I will basically be raising a child on my own.  Plus I know the ex will want visitation and possibly share custody.  That means this child will be shuffled back and forth between homes until he/she turns eighteen.

I do not think that is fair.  

If I give the baby up for adoption, I know in my heart I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I made the right decision.  I will wonder if my child, who is no longer mine, is OK.  I will wonder if this child really does have a better life than what I could have given.  I will wonder if this child hates me because I gave him/her away.

I do not think this is fair.

If I have an abortion, there will be no baby.  There will be no fighting with the ex.  There will be no worrying about the child.  

I always thought that I had morals.

I had always told myself that if I was ever in a situation like this, that I would choose life.  Always.

I take a little time to think.  I tell no one outside of the ex.  

No.  I take that back.  I had just started talking to Randall on the phone and out of the blue blurted it out to him.  Not sure why.

Anyway.

Aside from the ex and Randall?  No one knows.  I keep this secret to myself.  

Anyone who knows me well?  Knows that there is something going on.

I finally make a decision.

I choose to have an abortion.

I am not happy with this decision but out of the three, it is the best decision for me.

I find a clinic and make an appointment.

I tell the ex my decision.

He is not happy.

He argues with me.  He tells me that he should have some sort of say in the matter.

I argue back.  I tell him that it is my body and my choice.  That this is my decision and I am sticking with it.  That if he wants to he can come with me to my appointment.

He decides to come with me when the big day arrives.  Only to leave me sitting there by myself right before I am taken back.

I am scared.  I am worried.  And I am alone.

But really, I should have expected this.  Why would I think he would want to be there?

The procedure happens.

Even though I have been told what to expect I am nervous.

The nurse and doctor are cold, unfriendly.

I am uncomfortable.  

I am told to relax, that everything will be over soon.

There is pain.

There is sadness.

There is me.  

I am all by myself.  

In more ways than one.

Share

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: A Realization

This is my first time linking up with All.Things.Fadra and Stream of Consciousness Sunday.  Sometimes you just need to let things out.  Let them be free.  And today brought me to a realization.  Read and enjoy.








Not pregnant.

I am not pregnant.

This was confirmed Friday night as I sat in the ER for my foot.

The nurse made me take a test since I haven't had a period since March.

And the result is that I am not pregnant.

And I am sad.

I don't think it was meant for me to have another child.

But really?  We aren't ready for another baby right now.

The situation isn't right.

We are not prepared to have another child.  There is just too much that goes along with having a baby.

I can not take care of Kaylee, Randall when he is sick AND another child.  There is no way.

I would be running on less sleep than what I do now.

And I know there are other women out there who do it everyday.

I just don't think I was meant to be one of them.

Share

Tossing and Turning

Lots on my mind.

Stress and worries that every adult, at one point or another, has.

Last night, Randall couldn't sleep.

Which is fine.  I have nights when insomnia kicks in and leaves me unable to sleep.

The difference in our insomnia is the fact that when I have insomnia, he has no clue.  When he has insomnia I somehow end up having insomnia with him.

What the fuck is that all about?

Why can I not be oblivious to the fact that he can't sleep?

It could stem from the fact that when he can't sleep he becomes restless.  He tosses and turns.  And flips and flops.

I swear he is secretly taking gymnastics.

This keeps me awake.

He does sometimes get up and lay down in another part of the house.

Still doesn't help me.

I end up dozing but never really going into a deep sleep because I am worried about him.

Lose/lose situation for me.

This has all brought me to the conclusion that I worry too damn much.

But that is who I am.

I am the woman who worries.

I worry about Randall.

I worry about Kaylee.

I worry about my parents.

I worry about a lot of things that I have no business worrying about.

I am tired of worrying.

I have to wonder if there will ever come a time when I won't worry.

Knowing me?

Probably not.

Share

Shadows from the Past

On my 19th birthday, I received a surprise.

It was not wrapped up in a tiny box.

It was not something I could wear on my finger, wrist or neck.

I had been married exactly six months.

So it should have been no surprise, really, that I was pregnant.

What a gift to be given!

My then husband gave me the gift of a life inside my body.

I was in tears.  They were not exactly happy tears.

They were more along the lines of shock.  I went through a wide range of emotion in a short amount of time.

The thoughts that initially went through my head went something like this:

"OhmyGodOHmyGodOHMYGodOHMYGOD!!!  What am I going to do?  How did this happen?  I mean I KNOW how it happened but OH MY GOD!  There is no way I can be somebody's mother.  No way.  I can not have this baby.  I am not happy about this.  I can't believe this is happening to me!  What is Mom going to say?  She is going to be so disappointed in me.  I am not ready to be a mother.  Scott is not ready to be a father.  Why am I feeling like this?  Why am I not happy about this?"

I could not understand why I was not happy about the whole situation.  I was scared and worried.  Confused as to why I kept thinking that it was not wise for us to have a child so soon into our marriage.

I decided to give my sister a call.  If anyone could help me sort out my feelings, it would be her.  After all, she had gotten pregnant fairly early in her marriage too.

On the phone I give the news to my sister.  She is ecstatic.  She asks me if I want it to be a boy or a girl.  She asks me if I am having morning sickness yet.  She tells me that we need to get together so that she can help me buy maternity clothes and things for the baby.

I try to tell her how I am feeling.  How I feel emotionally about it.  She tells me that it's just hormones making me feel the way I feel.  That once I am farther along in my pregnancy I will start to feel differently.

I am not comforted.  I do not want this baby.

I have thoughts of abortion.  I do not voice them to anyone.  Everyone else is so happy.

I have my first doctors appointment.  He confirms that I am indeed pregnant.  I am told when my due date will be.  I am told to take my prenatal vitamins.

I wait for the doctor to ask me how I feel.

I wait for the doctor to ask me if this is something that I want.

I wait to be given other options.  Something other than keeping the baby.

No alternative is given.  I keep my thoughts and worries to myself.

I remain horrified about everything that is happening.

I remain the sole person in my little circle of support who has any doubts about this pregnancy.  I am the odd man out.

I do everything that I am told to do.

I eat 3 square meals a day.

I have healthy snacks.

I exercise a little bit.

I take my vitamins.

My 12 week appointment comes along.  The doctor can not find a heartbeat.  I am told not to worry.  That sometimes the heartbeat is hard to find.  I am sent to have an ultrasound that same day just to make sure everything is OK.  It is confirmed that there is no heartbeat.  I have miscarried.

I cry.  I am sad.  I feel guilty.

Surely it was my ill feelings about this baby that caused me to miscarry.  I know that I am being punished for the way that I reacted.


Deep down inside?  There is a sense of relief.  The turmoil that was going on inside my head quiets.  The worry recedes.  I relax.  I feel better.

I am scheduled to have surgery.

Surgery comes and goes.

Things start to feel normal again.

Scott and I do not talk about the baby.  We do not voice our feelings to each other.  I sense that he is sad but I also sense relief in him too.  Maybe he wasn't as happy about the baby as he let on.

This is the beginning of the end for us.  This loss did not bring us closer.  Did not make our bond stronger.

It will be three more years before I address how I feel and grow brave enough to tell him that I am not happy and want to divorce.

I am turning 33 today.  I remember this time in my life like it was yesterday.

I am not pregnant.  Even though I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I was.

I am haunted by these shadows from the past.

Share

A Little Rest for the Wicked

Laying in bed last night, I listen as Randall starts to lightly snore.

I listen as his breathing evens out and he falls into a deeper sleep.

Usually this is something that relaxes me and helps me fall asleep.

Not last night.

Last night was a night in which no matter what I did my mind would not shut up.

Shit.  Thank you insomnia.

This is what rolled around in my head as I tried to fall asleep:

"So glad tomorrow is Monday so Kaylee can go back to school.I know she gets so bored around here on the weekends.I have to have to have to do laundry tomorrow.I hate doing laundry.I need to pick some things up from the store.I really want to have Alfredo for lunch tomorrow.The bed is annoying me.When did this bed become so damn uncomfortable?"

Then I start to concentrate on Randall.

"UGH!I wish he would stop snoring!Lucky bastard never has trouble sleeping!Wonder if I can make him stop snoring with my mind? *stops for 5 seconds while I send snore death waves with my brain* Damnit!Maybe I should turn my light on and read for a little bit.Reading always makes me sleepy.But knowing my luck Randall will wake up and ask me why I am sitting here reading and not sleeping and then I will have to tell him that I couldn't sleep and he will want to know why and I won't have any reason for him other than I just couldn't sleep but I could tell him that he was snoring and it kept me awake but really it wasn't his snoring it was just my mind wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP but if I told him that he would look at me like I was crazy so maybe I just won't read."

Oh.... My.... God!  Shut up Shut up SHUT UP!  Please shut up and let me sleep for just a little bit.

So I lay there.

I play the alphabet game.  I go through the alphabet in my head and name off an animal/food/place/thing that coincides with each letter.

"A = apple, B = Banana, C = Cucumber, D = Dog..."  You can see where I was going, I am sure.

I look at the clock.  It has been 3 hours since we went to bed.  THREE FUCKING HOURS!?  3am.  Great that means I have three and a half hours before I have to get Kaylee up for school.

Shit.

I lay there and obsess a little bit.  I roll over and face Randall.  He has stopped snoring.  I start playing with my hair.

I relax.

My eyes close.

The next thing I know my alarm is blaring some over played rap song in my ear.

Huh.

Imagine that.

I finally fell asleep.

Wonder how that happened?

Share

Ten Thought Tuesday

Random Tuesday thoughts from yours truly:

10. Randall was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  He wanted to come home so badly.  After he got home, he says to me "I don't think I they should have let me out."

Wait... WHAT?!?!

This man called me and complained ALL DAY Sunday that he wanted to go home.  And the doctor was an ass because he wouldn't let Randall come home...  Blah, blah, blah.

It really is no wonder that I am worried all the time.

9.  I weighed myself yesterday morning...  Lost 3 more pounds!

YAY ME!

8.  Soon I will have to break down and buy new pants.  The ones I wear now are even loose with a belt.  Pretty sure I look odd hiking my pants up as I walk.

7.  I am still playing Ice Fairy...  I'm going to start charging people by the cube.

6.  There is a house nearby that is going up for auction later this month.  You have no clue how bad I wish we could buy this house...  The yearning I have for my own place is overwhelming at times.

5.  I feel a little down.

4.  I'm trying not to show it.

3.  It isn't working so well.

2.  *Crickets*

1.  Hate when my mind goes blank.  I have so much shit floating around in my head that it's hard to concentrate on one specific item...

Share

Late Night Munchies

It is 2am, Sunday morning.

I am sitting here drinking a Coke (Yes, Oka I have joined you on the dark side!  Hee hee!) and eating pizza rolls.

What?

I have the late night munchies.  When I start bitching about not losing any weight or I start bitching about gaining back some of what I lost?  Remind me about my late night snacking.  Please.

So I am sitting here eating my tasty snack and just thinking.  Come along, won't you?

Why the hell am I the only person in this house who can empty the ice cube trays into the ice cube bucket and then fill the ice cube trays with water and then stick them back into the freezer?

Just because I bought the damn things does not make me solely responsible for the production of ice.  I am not the fucking ice fairy.  Although I think everybody thinks one exists.

Might have to put a stop to that.

I went to see Randall yesterday evening.  He is feeling better though he is far from being 100%.  He is in hopes of being released sometime today.  I told him to not get his hopes up.  I guess we'll see what happens.

Out of boredom I painted my nails.  I never, ever paint my nails, ever.  So that has to tell you something.  Weird thing?  I kinda like it.  Might be something that sticks around.

A friend repaid a loan of $15 with a ten dollar bill and a roll of dimes.  I cracked up on the inside.  Then felt kinda sad.  But then looked on the bright side.  Change is money too and it will get spent on something.  Will probably put it in my change jar and save it for tight times.  I am a hoarder that way.

Late night infomercials crack me up.  Right now?  I am watching one for a little machine that helps get rid of hair.  You know, leg hair, arm hair, underarm hair, facial hair.  All the hair that you might want rid of, it is surely to remove it!  Except maybe the hair down there.  I think it uses lasers of some sort...  Really don't think you want to use a laser on your nether regions.  But I could be wrong...  It's called No! No! Hair.  It looks like some kind of battery powered electrolysis machine.  I can only imagine the amount of batteries I would have to go through to use this thing on my legs.

My opinion on this little hair removal system?  No! No! Thank you!  Although it has to be better than the epilady from years ago.  I didn't see ripping out of hair with No! No!.   But it did have a weird little buffer thing that came with it.

The crazy things that people will buy.

So I guess maybe I should try sleeping.  Sunday promises to be an interesting day.

Keeping my fingers crossed that Randall comes home but trying not to get my hopes up at the same time.

I am weird.  But you knew that already.

Hey!?!

Who ate all my pizza rolls?

Have a spectacular Sunday!

Share

See-Saw

I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of days.  Not something unusual when I have lots of things on my mind.  Those things bounce around in my brain and make it almost impossible to sleep.  Thus ensues the insomnia.

One thing that keeps circling is how people see me.  How people on the outside see me.

Most people?  See a strong willed woman.  A woman who takes no shit.  From anyone.

A woman who is a loving mother and a dedicated wife.

A woman who is strong.  Who has kept her family together through a lot of tough times.

A woman who has been the rock for her husband and her daughter since her husband became ill.

A woman who speaks her mind.

A woman who fights for what she believes in.

I believe that I am this woman.  I know she exists.

My problem lies in who I see when I look in the mirror.

I do not see the person everyone else sees.

The woman I see?  She is not a woman at all.  She is still a girl.

She is scared.  She is weak.


She is so quiet and shy that most would say she is backwards. 


She takes shit from everyone and just lets it build.  She never speaks up for herself.


She feels inadequate as a mother and even more so as a wife.


She keeps to herself.  


She is afraid of confrontation.


She sees glimpses of the woman she wants to be.


I am working on seeing the woman most people see.


I am working on being and becoming me.

Share

Ten Thought Tuesday

Random bits from the one and only me:

10.  After the makeovers last week I let Kaylee take a few pictures of herself with the webcam.  After looking through the folder later that night, I came across this photo:

This?  In case you're wondering, is her Karate: HIYAH! Face.  Hee hee!

I don't know why, but this picture makes me giggle til I almost cry!  

9.  I am tired.  But that's nothing new.

8.  I am having a hard time getting myself and Kaylee back into the school schedule routine.  I should really know better by now than to let her stay up til 11 or midnight during a break like that.  But I am a softy and am trying to be 'cool'.

7.  I think I am failing miserably at being 'cool'.  Oh well.  At least I'm not being bitchy.

6.  I have been sick, yet again.  Another sore throat.  This one is different than the others have been but yet I still won't take my happy ass to the doctor.  No one to blame but myself.

5.  4 days into the new month and year and I just now switched my calendar over.  Faster than usual this time around.  It's usually half-way through the month before I realize I need to change the calendar.

4.  I need a shower.  Will work on getting that done and out of the way here in a little bit.

3.  I am angry with a certain online store that I used to buy some holiday gifts with this year (well last year now).  Something I bought for Kaylee didn't fit.  And since I used a gift code, I can return the product and get nothing in return or I can keep the product that is too little and just be stuck with it.  It's a lose-lose situation, if you ask me.

Their way of looking at it?  I used the code, which gave me the product for free, so I wasn't charged anything and do not deserve a refund.  But I didn't ask for a refund, I asked if there was a way for the amount of the product to be put on another code so I could use it to buy something else for Kaylee.  So far that's a no-go.

Am I being unreasonable?

2.  I bet some of you can guess what the store is.

1.  And no I won't say who it is here.  But if you ask I may tell you in a reply email.  Maybe.

Hope your Tuesday is one of awesomeness!

Share

Makeovers~R~Us

As I said yesterday, Kaylee received some make-up from Randall and I for Christmas this year.

Am I nuts for giving my 8 year old daughter real, honest to goodness make-up with which to cover her face with?

Probably so.  But she loves make-up.  And she is not allowed to wear it to school.  She can only use it to play dress up with.  Needless to say, she has been playing dress up since Christmas morning.

Also on Christmas morning I let the words escape my mouth that have haunted me ever since.  But I do not regret saying it in any way.

I told Kaylee that she could give me a makeover.  I know you are probably thinking that I am nuts now.

I promise that I am as sane as I was last week.  I have not gone completely crazy yet! ;)

As promised, I have before and after pictures.  And yes, I am going to share them with you.

There's no shame in my game...

Me, pre-makeover

And this is me after.

Yellow eyeshadow.

So me...  Don'tcha think?

She honestly didn't do that bad.  She just needs a little practice with the eye liner is all.

And no, she didn't get any eyeliner, that is mine.

We had fun.  Kaylee laughed the entire time.  She laughed really hard when she was putting the eyeliner on.

And I wasn't allowed to look until she was done.

Randall even allowed Kaylee to give him a makeover...

I am not allowed to post those pictures...

So I will keep them for blackmail as I had originally planned!

Hee hee!

;)

Share

Pondering the Past

I am stuck.

My mind is blank.

So I am typing the first things that come to my mind.

After an email I received today, I can't stop thinking about some things that happened after we first moved out here to Washington.

It's not anything that I am prepared to share.

Not yet anyway.

But I am coming to terms with the fact that the things that happened are a part of who I am.  They are a part of what makes me, me.  And while I am not proud of those things, I need to own them.  It is just really hard.

It is hard to think about them and relive them.  I get panicky thinking about them.

I get panicky thinking about how dangerous things really were.

I get angry for not following my gut instincts.

I hate how memories can make you feel sometimes.

And these leave me feeling helpless, sad, lost and confused.

But they are only memories.

Things from the past that can't do anything to me now.

Not physically anyway.  It's the mental shit that could have me looking for some Xanax or Prozac.

Share

Decoration Hoarding

Remember when I talked about getting decorations put up and how the MIL usually does it all on her own?

Well, she did all that Tuesday night.  Had FIL get the decorations out of storage.

They put up the tree.

They put lights on the tree.

They decorated the tree.

All with Randall and I sitting in our room, door open, watching TV.

Not once were we asked if we would like to help.

MIL comes to get us, "Come look at the tree."

So we go look at the tree.  It's pretty, it always is.  But it is done her way.

I get sad and angry.

Why does she not get that there are other people living in this house who might have wanted to help decorate?

This does nothing for me aside from make me homesick and make me want my Mom.

It is always tradition at Mom's house that everyone helps to decorate the tree.

Randall knew it upset me.  He could tell that I was angry.

But amazingly, he left me alone.

I was really glad that he didn't harass me.  Picking at trying to find out what was wrong.

I sat on the bed and cried a couple of silent tears.

A few minutes later I was OK and ready for bed.

I just needed those few minutes to pull myself together.

MIL informed us a little later that we (Randall & I) get to put the lights up outside.

It does make me happy that I will have a hand in putting up the outside lights.  Probably still no say in how they go but I will be able to say I helped.

The shitty thing?

It's supposed to be cold and rain for the next week.

That means outside decorating in the elements.

Yay!

Which also means one of us will end up with a cold.

Ya just gotta love this Pacific Northwest weather!

Share

Time for a Nap

Kaylee stayed home from school today.

She was not feeling well when she came home from school yesterday.

So much so that after we walked in the door, she informed me that she was going to take a nap.

Totally unlike her.  

Kaylee has not taken a nap since she was little.  And even then, it was a fight to get her to lay down.

It's always been hard to get her to lay down to go to sleep period.  She has never liked going to bed.

Lately, I have been telling her to enjoy being able to take a nap when she can.  That as you get older you don't have the opportunity for naps as much as you do when you are younger.

She always looks at me like I am insane.

I am not crazy.  

I just like sleep.  Especially when I have trouble sleeping.  Like I have been here lately.

When I go to bed and I can not stop thinking about things, I know right then that it will be a long night.

What sucks is that I am not thinking about important things.  Well not all the time.  

More often than not, I am thinking about things that have happened in the past.  Thinking about how I could have done something different to change the outcome of a situation.  It's not like I can go back in time and actually make the changes so I don't know why I obsess over it.

Pretty sure I have OCD on some level or another.

Or, maybe I really am crazy...

Share

Then VS Now

I have been sitting here thinking about how things used to be.

How my life now versus my life before I had a child is so completely different.

The first thing to go?  My figure.  Kaylee is eight years old now, and I still haven't lost the 'baby weight' that I gained.  Granted I wasn't skinny when I got pregnant but I ended up being more un-skinny than I was before becoming preggy.  Although here lately, I have been on a solid losing streak where the weight is concerned.

I can remember before I had Kaylee, when I was a working woman who got to go play in the real world with other adults, I actually could and would take a shower every day.

And now?  I am lucky to shower 3 times a week.  It's not so much that I don't have the time to shower as it is that I don't have the energy to shower every day.

I remember a time when I would put on a little makeup every day.  Now?  Now if I put makeup on, everyone makes a big deal about it.

"Why are you wearing makeup Mama?" soon followed by "Can I put some makeup on too????"

"Did you do something to your eyes?  They look different."

Plus, Randall gets it in his head that he is going to get lucky.

Speaking of sex...

I remember when I wanted to have sex several times a week.  Hell there were days I wanted it several times a day!

Nowadays, I am lucky to actually want to have sex once a month.  It has nothing to do with Randall.  I am still very much attracted to him.  It has everything to do with the fact that I am tired.  I would much rather get some sleep vs. get some  (what's amusing is that Randall is the same way these days)

I remember having friends and acquaintances by the dozens when I was younger.

These days I have a couple of close friends.  I totally blame this on myself.  But then again, when I was younger, I was working.  I talked to people.  I had to have interactions with people daily so of course I ended up knowing a lot of people.  

When I was younger, I was way more bold.  Now that I am getting older?  I feel like I am closing in on myself.  More so in everyday life.  I physically shudder at the thought of trying to talk to some one in person.  More so if that person is a stranger.  Not so much online.  Online I feel like I can be more open and speak more freely.

You know what?

Everything happens for a reason.  All of these changes that I am dealing with are a part of me.  They are what makes me who I am.

Can I change some of these things?  Sure I can.  With a little hard work and dedication, anything can be changed.

I think we have all gone through some of these at one point or another.  It is all just a part of growing older.

Or at least that's what I am telling myself.

Have a wickedly wonderful Wednesday!

Share

The Elephant in the Room

I was standing in the kitchen, alone, or so I thought, making a peanut butter & jelly sammich for Randall.

Not an unusual thing.  

I thought I was alone...

So I'm standing there waiting for the toast to pop up out of the toaster (Randall likes his PB&J on toast) and I decided to break wind.  

No, let's just be honest here.  We're friends, right?  

I farted.  It was not the grand-poohba of farts but it wasn't tiny and meek either.

Let me reiterate that I thought I was alone.  

About a minute after I let it rip, Kaylee comes walking into the kitchen.  By this time I am slathering peanut butter on a piece of toast.  I tell her Hi.  She looks at me and has a grin on her face a mile wide.

"I heard that."  She says to me.

Damn.  This kid can be super stealthy when she wants to be.

"You heard what?"  I ask, trying desperately to sound innocent and keep my composure at the same time.

Because farts are funny.  At least in this house they are.

"I heard you fart."  She's giving me a look.  That look that she knows...

"What are you talking about?"  I am fading fast.  

"Mama!  You farted!"  She's getting a little sassy with me now.

"You must have heard the floor squeak."  I am giggling as I try to talk.  I am all but busted.

"MAMA!  I heard you fart!"  {she then attempts to make the same sound as my fart}

Remember, this is all in the span of about 45 seconds.  I have moved on to putting jelly on the other piece of toast...

As I am putting everything away, I finally get tired of her trying to mimic the sound and say, "It actually kinda sounded like a baby elephant." 

Yes, my farts can sometimes mock animals.  Most frequently the sound is of a duck.  But that is neither here nor there.

My 8 year old gets a look of triumph on her face, "AH HA!  So you admit that you did fart!"

I smile, grab Randall's sammich, look at her and say, "I don't know what you're talking about."  

And promptly walk out of the room.  

Moral of the story:  Don't toot your own horn if you're not ready to share your music with everyone!  ;)

Share