Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: stress

Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts

Because Sometimes, You Just Need to Vent

OK people?

Bad shit has been happening and I just need to take a minute to get it all off of my chest. . .

SO, if it doesn't make sense? I am sorry. But not really. Because I am pissed and irritated and just need to vent and bitch.

So maybe just pass on this post and come back tomorrow when I share some randomness with you.

Or go ahead and read.

Either way is fine with me.

I am tired of, what I lovingly call, our Piece of Shit Car.

That is, our fucking '85 Maroon Mazda 626.

The radiator is fucked. Which causes the fucker to overheat. Which means that we have to do this more often than not:

We carry 4 gallons of water with us at all times.

Yeah.

Fucking awesome. Right?

We need a 'new to us' car, STAT!

Next on my list:

I think we will be moving soon.

We are currently in an odd situation with our landlord.

And it is apparent that he wants us the fuck up out of this house.

So we are looking for a new house.

Which isn't easy in the dead of winter.

I am fearful that we will end up homeless. Which kinda sorta happened once already not too long after we first moved out here. . . And ended up with five motherfucking people sharing a motel room (with a kitchenette and 3 beds) for just over a fucking year.

Yeah. Another story for another time.

Fucking Awesome. Right?

I have also had approximately 5 hours of sleep in the last two days.

Why?

Because I am stressed out and worried.

Who needs sleep when you can lay there and stare at the ceiling, in the dark and wonder what great shit the next day will hold for you?

I thought that 2012 was going to be different.

So far? It has started out WORSE than 2011 did. By far.

So I am over it.

I try to roll with the punches.

But when every single punch is in the stomach? It starts to get hard.

So, fuck you very much 2012. I am over you already.

Let's move on to 2013, shall we?

Hello and happy Tuesday to you.

Hoping that your week is going way better than mine is.

Are you ready for the ride that is my randomness?

Here we go:

10. Randall went to the hospital Sunday night and was subsequently admitted. Poor guy has an NG tube and is not allowed to eat or drink. There is blood in his belly and they are not sure what is causing it.

9. I am not sure how to process this information.

8. I am exhausted. Plain and simple.

7. When I am nervous and worried?? I do one of two things. I either clean or eat. Last night, I chose to clean. I did three loads of laundry and straightened up my room a little.

6. I also spent some time playing with Kaylee. She now knows how to braid her Barbie dolls' hair.

5. I might be a tiny bit awesome.

4. Today is picture day for Kaylee at school. I think the school knows when I am seriously low on funds. I wasn't able to buy the pack of pictures that I really wanted. I am kinda bummed.

3. I wish they would let you order the pictures and pay for them when they come in. But I guess that could end up with a lot of waste. Time, paper, etc., etc.

2.You have no clue how many times I have wished that it was me who was sick. . . I would so rather it be me laying in the hospital than him.

1. I am trying to be everyone's rock. What happens when I start to crumble???

Ten Thought Tuesday

Random Tuesday thoughts from yours truly:

10. Randall was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. He wanted to come home so badly. After he got home, he says to me "I don't think I they should have let me out."

Wait... WHAT?!?!

This man called me and complained ALL DAY Sunday that he wanted to go home. And the doctor was an ass because he wouldn't let Randall come home... Blah, blah, blah.

It really is no wonder that I am worried all the time.

9. I weighed myself yesterday morning... Lost 3 more pounds!

YAY ME!

8. Soon I will have to break down and buy new pants. The ones I wear now are even loose with a belt. Pretty sure I look odd hiking my pants up as I walk.

7. I am still playing Ice Fairy... I'm going to start charging people by the cube.

6. There is a house nearby that is going up for auction later this month. You have no clue how bad I wish we could buy this house... The yearning I have for my own place is overwhelming at times.

5. I feel a little down.

4. I'm trying not to show it.

3. It isn't working so well.

2. *Crickets*

1. Hate when my mind goes blank. I have so much shit floating around in my head that it's hard to concentrate on one specific item...

Mother Hen-ish

Three days into the new year.

Hello to you 2011! So nice to see you come around. Can you please be an easier year for us than 2010 was?

For anyone who is wondering about Randall's last stay in the hospital, he was released the next day. So he was able to ring in the New Year with his family. It was nice to have him home.

Nice to have him home and stressful at the same time.

I have been in mother-hen mode pretty much since he walked in through the door. I know he hates mother-hen mode but he never complains about it.

Mother hen mode is me asking him a barrage of questions to see if he is OK.

This is me:

"Are you OK?"
"Do you feel OK?"
"What's wrong??"
"Are you sure you're OK?"
"Are you nauseous?"
"Are you going to throw-up??"
"Can I do anything for you?"

I know the answer to the last one would probably be, "Yeah, leave me the fuck alone." But he has never said anything like that to me, ever.

It's stressful for him. It's stressful for me. I worry so much when he gets sick like he has been. He tries to protect me when things start getting bad. He will tell me that everything is fine. Sadly, I have been down this road way too many times before and I know that we will be visiting the hospital sometime soon.

He slept all day Sunday. When the pain is as severe as it has been, that is how he deals with it. He sleeps. And I leave him alone. I let him sleep. I figure that when he sleeps his body is healing. And then I hope that when he wakes up, he feels a little bit better than he did before.

He finally woke up around midnight, maybe a little later. And asked for some soup. As I was leaving the room, he looks at me and says, "Thank you. Thank you for letting me sleep and thank you for taking care of me. I don't know how you have stayed with me as long as you have. Especially since I have been so sick. If it was reversed and you were the sick one, I would stay with you of course but it would be hard."

Wait... What?

I just nodded my head. Pretty sure he didn't mean that to come out the way it did. He's funny with his words sometimes. I know that if the situation was reversed, he would do all that I have done for him plus some.

So remember my makeover by Kaylee last week? The one where Randall got a makeover too? Well, I asked him and was quickly told that I was not allowed to post those pictures, ever.

Heh.

I figured if I couldn't post the whole picture, I would post part of the picture!

Hee hee! I can be so freaking sneaky sometimes!

Without further adieu, here's part of Randall's make-over picture:

Think he was just a little surprised?

I giggle every time I look at this picture. It is priceless!

So much for trying to tell me what I can and can't post!

Hee hee!

His Home Away From Home...

OK, I just need to take a few minutes and vent.

Hope you don't mind...

Had to take Randall to the hospital again this evening. He started throwing up this morning, early, and continued to do so all day long. I asked him several times if he wanted to go to the hospital. He declined.

It angered me. It angered me that he was being so damn stubborn.

He caught me napping sometime during the morning and went and laid on the couch, in the living room, where Kaylee was up and watching TV.

He continued to throw up. He scared the shit out of Kaylee.

This pissed me off when I woke and discovered that he had not been in bed for quite a while.

I yelled at him.

I feel bad about it now. But in the moment I was beyond angry. Why the fuck would you put your baby girl through something like that?

I am scared shitless that she will end up being scarred from all of this.

Anyway...

After vomiting for 7 hours pretty much non-stop, he decided that he was ready to go to the hospital. Of course he was too weak for us to get him out to the car. FIL called 911.

I forgot to mention that due to all the vomiting and him being unable to keep anything down, he was passing out. That is always fun. Especially when it happens right in front of your child.

There is nothing I hate to hear more than Kaylee screaming out, "DADDY!!!".

The fear in her voice breaks my heart. And while I am trying to reassure her that he is OK, I am trying to not freak out myself. It's not easy to do.

We get to the ER, get into a room and wait 30 minutes for a doctor to come in. Doctor comes in and says she has been looking over Randall's chart and sees that he has been there several times in the past for the same thing and tells him that she will not give him pain meds of any sort because it has been marked in his chart that he only comes in looking for pain meds. But she will be more than happy to give him something for nausea.

I was pissed. I wanted to say so many things to this lady and did not. Randall tried to fight for himself but gave up. He felt that damn bad.

Weirdly enough, 10 minutes later, another doctor came in to see Randall. I talked to this doctor. I explained to this doctor that Randall is in pain 24/7. That he has pain all the time but that when he goes on a vomiting spree like today that it makes the pain 100 times worse. I explained that when he is as bad as he is, he is admitted and given IV nausea and pain meds. That controlling the pain will help to control the nausea and vomiting. I thought this doctor was actually going to 'get it'. I thought he understood. I thought he would help.

I am here to tell you that the whole time Randall was in the ER, a whole five and a half hours he never received any pain meds. He continued to vomit even with Zofran for nausea.

At one point, as Randall was throwing up, he looked at me and said, "I give up. I. give. up. I can't do this any more. I can't go on like this."

Do you know what it's like to hear the one you love tell you that they quit?

Do you know what it's like to hear him cry for someone to help him.

It's discouraging. It's scary. It's sad.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

To see him begging for help...

To hear him cry...

It broke my heart.

So I am worried and scared.

Scared that no matter how much I love him and tell him to fight that he might give up. Give up and leave Kaylee and I here, alone.

So I will ask, as I always selfishly do, if you will say a prayer for Randall?

Maybe send a positive thought or two his way?

Cross your fingers and toes that he will wake up in the morning feeling better?

Please?

Pondering the Past

I am stuck.

My mind is blank.

So I am typing the first things that come to my mind.

After an email I received today, I can't stop thinking about some things that happened after we first moved out here to Washington.

It's not anything that I am prepared to share.

Not yet anyway.

But I am coming to terms with the fact that the things that happened are a part of who I am. They are a part of what makes me, me. And while I am not proud of those things, I need to own them. It is just really hard.

It is hard to think about them and relive them. I get panicky thinking about them.

I get panicky thinking about how dangerous things really were.

I get angry for not following my gut instincts.

I hate how memories can make you feel sometimes.

And these leave me feeling helpless, sad, lost and confused.

But they are only memories.

Things from the past that can't do anything to me now.

Not physically anyway. It's the mental shit that could have me looking for some Xanax or Prozac.

I Really Should Be Sleeping...

Really, I should be...

But the old insomnia bug has bit me in the ass once again.

I know why I can't sleep.

I am worried and stressed.

Worried about Randall and stressed about everything in between.

He has made it out of the hospital for a week this time. I hope he STAYS out. I hate when he is in the hospital because it leaves me here alone with his parents. Don't take me wrong. We get along OK but there are times when there is tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Those are the moments that I hide in my room. Those are also usually the moments when we are close to being broke.

I have been entering giveaways like a mad woman in hopes of winning things to help with Christmas shopping. I know it's 3 months away BUT if I don't start now, I may not be able to get anyone ANYTHING!

Kaylee is growing up so quickly. Where did my baby go? Not only is she doing safety patrol at school she also signed up for the after school program... That starts mid October. She will be staying at school until 4:30pm! When did she grow up and not want to spend all her time at home??? Actually I'm glad she wanted to sign up. She needs the extra curricular activities and something to take her mind off her Daddy being so sick.

Speaking of October (I did too! Very briefly up there^^), Can you believe HALLOWEEN is coming up? No clue what Kaylee will be this year. I've entered a couple of Halloween costume giveaways, so maybe I'll win that and get her a kick-ass costume! Keep my fingers crossed for that anyway!

By the way... October is breast cancer awareness month. So ALL month (maybe longer) I will have that nifty lil button at the top of my sidebar from The Breast Cancer Site. Could you, would you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, click it ONCE daily and sponsors will pay for mammograms to go to women in need! All you have to do is click... Quick and painless! And you will be helping so many women! I have two aunts who fought and SURVIVED breast cancer, so this is something near and dear to my heart. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help out!

I don't think I have anything else to babble on about. Well I do, but it would do no good to spill it here. I don't want to cloud bloggy land with my doom and gloom!

I think I will try to go to sleep. I will probably end up reading. Gave up on Eat, Pray, Love. That book sucked butt! I'm now reading Under The Dome by Stephen King. Interesting so far but I have always had a place in my heart for the weird things he can write about!

Hope you have a happy Thursday!

Looking for Miracles

I need a miracle.

No.

Scratch that.

I need more than one miracle. I need a bushel basket filled with miracles!

I need something that will make Randall better. Something that will take away the pain and nausea that plague him on a daily basis. I need something that will keep him out of the hospital, if not permanently, then at least out longer than a week at a time.

I need some way to generate income. Well, more income than what we have. My problem is that I am not going to go get a job just for the other 2 adults in this house (yes, that would be the in-laws I'm talking about) to sit around and do nothing. If I'm gonna get a job one or both of them need to do the same! Randall is not well enough to work. Honestly, I don't think he will ever be able to work again.

My world as I once knew it has slowly started crashing down around me.

I try to stay positive. Key word there is "try". I try to look at the positives that I do have.

I have a healthy, beautiful and smart daughter. She has comforted me more than once since Randall has taken ill. I swear she is wise beyond her years and was born with an old soul. She will be an awesome mother when her time comes.

I have awesome friends and family. Unfortunately they all live far away. But the support I get from the phone and computer work just fine, most days. I have days where I could use their support in person but that just isn't possible.

I have everything I need. Well almost everything I need. There are things that I want but isn't that life? Don't we all have things we want? Things that you strive to get? Things that you don't necessarily need but would love to have? These are things that I have tried to set goals for. Things to work towards... I just at this moment in time, see those goals never coming to fruition.

Remember, I said I try to stay positive... Today hasn't been one of my positive days...

Take me with a grain of salt.

Then maybe slam a shot of Tequila after.

Hope your week has been better than mine.

A Mother's Day Ramble

It's Mother's Day.

I get to spend today emptying a vomit bucket and begging Randall to try to eat and drink something.

He just told me he thinks he wants a feeding tube because he is tired of dealing with it all.

How do I react to that? That feels like giving up to me. How the hell are you gonna decide to give up when you haven't really fought?

I am tired of dealing with it myself. I am tired of dealing with his lazy ass father who has lived off unemployment for 2 and a half years. And the way unemployment works up here, he gets a check for about 4 months then his checks stop for about 2 months (leaving Randall to provide for THEM). I just don't understand WHY HE WON'T GO GET A DAMN JOB?! Why are you letting your SON provide for you? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Good grief the in-laws REALLY get my blood boiling...

I have gotten VERY little sleep in the past week... No I take that back. I slept OK while Randall was in the hospital. I have gotten very little sleep since Wednesday night. I am a zombie. Have you tried to sleep while someone hurls into a bucket? Yeah not a lot of rest going on when that happens.

I am stressed about bills. I have bills that need to be paid NOW and have no funds to pay them. How can I pull money out of my ass?? I sent an email to my brother in hopes that he will be able to help me out somehow. Keeping my fingers crossed.

It totally amazes me how things can go from being pretty OK to pretty fucking bad in one fell swoop.

But that is what has been going on in my life for the past week (almost 2) just in case you were wondering what happened to me. I am still around just no energy to blog. Hopefully I will be back soon.

I hope your Mothers Day is a nice, decent one!