Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: pour your heart out

Showing posts with label pour your heart out. Show all posts

Acknowledge and Let Go

Lying in bed trying to sleep.

Thoughts keep swirling in my mind.

I can't focus on one single thought. They are bunched together making it impossible to concentrate on just one.

I let the swirling mass consume me.

I find myself thinking about events from years ago. Wondering about the what ifs of the past.

Would I be where I am now if the past would have been handled differently?

Or would I still be in my current present regardless of the past?

Those are questions thought up by my overactive, insomniatic mind.

I have no answers.

I try to acknowledge and let go.

The swirling mass consumes me.

I try to keep the darker thoughts at bay.

They dart in and out. Flicking their forked tongues at the edge of my subconscious. I try to wrangle them into one spot and hold them there.

Acknowledge and let go.

But they do not leave.

They stay and mock me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy.

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This was written over the weekend as I was fighting with a bout of insomnia.

I know I'm not going crazy but the nights when my mind refuses to shut off, it feels as though I might be.

Pouring my heart out and linking up with Shell today. . .

Karma Kickback

We've been living in the land of WA for just over five years now. We have had our share of good moments and bad moments with the bad mostly outweighing the good. It has been hard living out here. There was the year we spent living in a motel because the situation at the house we were staying at (which was R's cousin) turned extremely dangerous. So Randall, Kaylee, the in-laws and myself squeezed into a tiny two room motel room for a year. It was stressful, to say the least. I have been convinced since then that I never want to stay with extended family ever again. And yet here I am stuck with the in-laws. There was a pregnancy that was unexpected but filled us with joy. There was happiness for Kaylee, that she was going to be a big sister. . . And then there was a miscarriage which had to have been the worst one (out of five) that I have ever experienced. I believe wholeheartedly that that was my last chance to ever conceive again. There have been bad decisions made by some people in this family (I wont name anyone but it isn't me. Heh.) There has been sickness. SO MUCH SICKNESS. I have seen the inside of more hospitals than I care to admit. But all these things, instead of making us despise each other have brought us closer. Made our relationship stronger. Made me love harder and fight for what I believe in. We have struggled. We ARE struggling. I sense a change is near. The struggles, the hardships, have all been for a reason. It's about time that Karma came back and hit us with the good. We are more than ready for it.

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Pouring my heart out with Shell today.

Because sometimes you just have to let go of what's resting on your heart.

Somewhere Along the Way Things Changed

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing.

WHO am I?

WHAT am I doing?

WHERE did the time go?

WHEN will things start to change?

WHY am I here?

HOW did I get to this point in my life?

All things that I think about at least once a day. At least.

I know that I have not grown into the adult that teenage me thought she would be. I can remember telling people that I wanted to become a doctor and start research to find a cure for cancer. I didn't want other kids losing their dads to cancer like I did. . . I have no clue what happened to that motivated little girl.

I remember through high school becoming tired.

I was tired of school. I didn't want to do it any more.

I almost didn't graduate because I slacked off so much.

Don't tell my Mom because I don't think she realizes that.

I had work and a boyfriend (who later became my fiancee and then my first husband) and I was just done with the bullshit.

There was also a time during my senior year that I almost joined the Army. Almost.

I had spoken to the recruiter several times. He frequented my high school regularly. I went and watched the videos and listened to the stories. And came THISCLOSE to joining. . . Then my soon to be hubby started asking me what would happen to "us". What would happen to him while I was away at boot camp and where would we live and would that mean that we would have to move. . . And so very many more questions-- from him.

I can remember not really caring what he thought (and that should have clued me in to something. Also probably why he's the ex-hubby now too). But eventually, because I cared for him and ~~thought~~ I loved him, I decided not to carry on with joining the Army.

I gave in to his wants and his needs. I put my hopes, my dreams on the back burner.

Something that I never thought I would do. Ever.

Somewhere along the way things changed. I changed.

That was the start of me doing for others to make them happy. My happiness didn't matter.

It is something that I still do to this day.

I put others before myself. Some may look at it as being selfless. I am starting to look at it as being stupid.

How can I make other people happy if I am not happy myself?

My Rock

The pain started in his back, just under his left shoulder. We didn't really worry about it overmuch. .

He thought it was a pinched nerve. It was acknowledged and we moved on about our business.

As the evening wore on the pain increased and started to move.

It wrapped around to his chest.

Shooting, stabbing pains.

We both became concerned when nothing we tried made the pain go away.

So in the middle of the night an ambulance was called and he was rushed off to the hospital.

It was there that we learned that he was, in fact, having a heart attack and would need to have an angiogram.

Right then.

No waiting. From the ER to the Cath Lab in the span of a couple of hours.

There were two blockages that needed to be fixed immediately with stents. A third blockage was found but wasn't bad enough to need attention at that time.

I sat alone in the waiting room worrying that I might not see him again.

Exhausted from spending the night in the emergency room.

Stressed out from not really knowing what to expect.

That was almost three years ago.

It will be exactly three years on June 7th.

You know what's ironic? On June 7th, Randall will be having an angiogram done.

Exactly three years to the day that he had a heart attack.

His anniversary.

Recent tests have given his cardiologist reason to believe that there may be more damage to his heart. That the third blockage may be causing him grief now.

He may need another stent.

He may need to have by-pass surgery.

We won't know 'til the doctor is able to take a look.

The doctor is calling this preventative care. If this were to go untreated it may end with another, more devastating, heart attack.

I am feeling all the emotions that I felt three years ago.

Shock that this is happening.

Worry that they will find something worse than what we are preparing for.

Apprehension that they will take him back and I won't see him again.

That is my biggest fear. And while I am trying to push that thought to the very back of my mind, into the deepest, darkest recesses, it's still there.

I can not lose him.

He can not leave me.

That is selfish of me. I don't care.

We have been through way too much for it all to end here, now.

We deserve to grow old together.

I don't think he realizes that as much as he needs me, I need him more.

I need him to be here.

I need him to be my best friend.

My shoulder to cry on.

My confidant.

My rock.

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Linking up with Shell today.

Go see what others are sharing, won't you?

With Him

I am spent.

I am not sure that I have the ability to be "the strong one" any more.

It is of no news to anyone that Randall is not a well man. He has many, many issues.

In 2009 he had a heart attack. At the age of thirty-five. He also had to have two stents placed into the arteries around his heart in order to help open up the blockages.

That was three years ago. And he is having troubles with his heart again.

It was confirmed last week (as he went to the hospital with mild chest discomfort) that he has in fact had another heart attack sometime within the last three years. As I type this, he is at the hospital because he started having chest pains again.

I am trying to hold it together. Really, I am.

But I am scared.

Scared that he is going to run out of chances at living his life.

He doesn't exercise. He smokes. He is diabetic. He stays stressed out.

There is only so much I can do. I am not his mother and I am not his keeper.

He is an adult and he is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Or at least that's what he tells me.

Hopefully his eyes will be opened and he will do what needs to be done so that he can watch his little girl grow up.

I don't want her to grow up without a daddy.

I want to spend my life with him.

Grow old and gray with him.

Share remembered stories with him.

Laugh and smile and giggle with him.

Take the trips that we've dreamed about with him.

Hold our first born grandchild with him.

Please God, Open his eyes and make him see that he is running out of chances.

We need him more than he realizes

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Pouring my heart out with Shell today. . .

Here I go trying to get back into the swing of things. You never realize just how much you will miss something until you don't have it anymore. I totally missed blogging, it is my way to get things off my chest. To vent. To bitch. To express my feelings and not be judged... I can't do that IRL as it tends to start fights and arguments with the people who live with me (that would be the in-laws not Randall or Kaylee).

I have mentioned that over the past month, Randall has been sick. This wasn't a cold or flu sick. This was in and out of the hospital sick. This was I was totally scared shitless thinking that he was gonna die sick. During this past month we found out that not only does Randall have diabetic gastroparesis, he was also diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. Which has totally scared me. And after reading more about it, I wonder if he might have Addison's Disease...

I would go visit Randall in the hospital and try to be as strong as I could. I would come home and break down in tears, when/if I could get a moment to myself. I tried really hard to not show Kaylee how concerned I was. I have told Randall that I wish it was ME that was so sick. I wish I could trade and it be me who has to be poked and prodded and endure the extreme pain that he is constantly in. He says no. He says that he couldn't do what I have been doing. I know that if the situation was reversed he would be doing exactly what I have done, PLUS some...

During this time, Randall lost his job. We are not without income (thank God for the dispatching we do from the house) but things are tight. Really tight. I'm pinching pennies so hard that I'm making them squeak... Added to this stress, it has not helped that his parents have no income of their own. His dad sits and waits for his unemployment to start back up... He's a slacker...

This has left me in a state of constant worry and panic. I have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. I have trouble sleeping at night. I worry that this bill can't be paid or that bill can't be paid. I am trying to have faith that everything will work out and be OK. I just hope that I don't worry myself into the hospital...

After the issues with Randall's health this weekend, I wanted to share with you how he and I met...

Do you believe that true love can be found on the internet?? I do because that's where I found it. I don't know if any of you know but I was married once before and that is where the story starts...

I was 22 and had been married for 4 years. I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore (that man and I had grown apart instead of together) and had decided to file for divorce. Not long after that I was in a chatroom and in came this guy. We exchanged hello's and I swear to you from that point I knew, I KNEW, I would end up with him. He and I talked alot and became fast friends. Now, mind you, I wasn't looking for love, I was just starting on a divorce, why would I want another man? But there was something about him, something that drew me to him. After a month of talking on-line we exchanged phone numbers. I won't forget the first day I called him (YES, I made the first move! LOL) it was October 12, 2000. From that day he and I talked on the phone almost everyday plus we still chatted on-line.

Now, my family and friends worried about me. They thought I was crazy. All I heard was, "How do you know he is who he says he is?" and "He's probably psycho. What if he comes here and hurts you?" and "How can you be in love with someone you don't know?" They feared for my safety and well-being. I love them all dearly for that. I just had no words to describe to them how I knew he was "The One".

Ok, so we talked on the phone just about everyday. I forgot to tell you that he lived in San Antonio, Texas at the time (I lived in Ohio). So I made plans to fly out and see him (OMG girl you're CRAZY... heard alot of that too! LOL). My Mom was dead set AGAINST me going to see him. She had such doubts. But I sat down and talked to her and told her that I had to go, that I needed to see if my feelings were real, that I couldn't let him slip away. My trip was planned for Feburary, the week of Valentines Day, 2001. I was a nervous wreck!! The whole flight I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I had thoughts that maybe I was crazy for flying out to see him. I worried that maybe he wouldn't be at the airport to pick me up. That maybe he chickened out at the last minute and I would return home to hear all the "told ya so's" from everyone. But when the plane arrived and I walked off, he was standing there, smiling and looking a bit nervous himself. I hugged him and kissed him. From that moment I knew that what I had felt the very first time we typed "hello" to each other was true. So I stayed a week with him. I will spare you the details (lots of sight-seeing, parent meeting, love making and picture taking). The day I had to come home, I almost didn't. I wanted to stay with him but I had obligations at home that I needed to take care of.

About a month after I came home I found out I was pregnant! Oh boy! I was happy and scared all rolled into one. I had to tell Randall but the funny thing was he already knew! He has ESP, I swear it LOL! He was happy the same as I was but worried too because we were still so far apart. At my 8 week doctor visit they couldn't find a heartbeat and did an ultrasound, the baby had stopped growing (the time frame here is close to the end of April). I was devastated. I had miscarried once before with my ex-husband. I was in shock and I had to call Randall 2000 miles away and tell him that I lost the baby. It was a sad time but it also brought us closer together even though we were so far apart (does that make sense???)

Before I had miscarried, Randall had started making plans to move here to Ohio. Afterwards, I asked him, "Are you still gonna move?" He answered, "Yes I am. I love you and want to be with you." So by the middle of June 2001 he was here and moved in! And mine forever and ever and ever LOL! I need to say too that after 9/11 I got pregnant again and that's how beautiful Miss Kaylee came to be!

My love for Randall grows with each passing day. I love him more than words could ever say. He loves me for me and understands that I have "bitchy days". Sure our love isn't perfect. I don't think anyones is. He is my soul mate and he completes me. Have you ever heard the song, "You had me from Hello" by Kenny Chesney?? That song reminds me of Randall....

And that's how Randall and I met! Not the greatest story but it's "our" story and it's one that will be passed on to Kaylee and her kids!

Kenny Chesney-You Had Me From Hello video

More Music Videos at Smashbeats

I've been thinking about the people in my life who have passed and gone to Heaven.

The anniversary of my Dad's death is coming up in December. It will be 23 years December third that my Dad left this world and started his life in Heaven. I was only nine years old when my Daddy passed away. I was there, he was at home, he was so very sick. He had lung cancer. The tumor in his lung was inoperable, it was too close to his heart. I remember the night he passed like it was yesterday.

I am being so open and honest here, please bear with me as I wander through the memories...

It was a school night and my Mom had said that I could stay up a little late to work on some extra-credit work for school. I finished what I was doing and was getting ready to go to bed (this was maybe 10 or 10:30pm) I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom, this was where my Dad spent most of his time because he was so tired from the treatments he was getting. I said goodnight to both of them. Daddy was sitting in his old comfy chair. I told him goodnight again and said, "See you in the morning". To which he replied,"Yes, I hope so". That was my last conversation with my Daddy. I never hugged him, gave him a kiss or anything. I took for granted that he would still be there the next day. Now, I was 9, so being a child I never gave his last words to me a second thought, at least not at that exact moment. So I went to bed and went to sleep.

I was awakened about an hour or so later by the heavy footsteps of a firefighter coming up the stairs. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I didn't move, I was scared. I didn't realize what was happening until I heard the fireman tell my Mom "I'm sorry Ma'am, we can't bring him back". My world came crashing down. Why was this happening? Why did Daddy leave us? I still did not move, I just lay there, hoping that I was just dreaming. I remember closing my eyes and I think I dozed back to sleep. I then remember my brother coming into my bedroom (Mom had called him as he just lived around the corner from us) and he picked me up and carried me downstairs. I already knew that Daddy had passed, I heard the fireman but I still had to ask my brother what was going on. He whispered to me, "Dad is gone. He is gone, Stasha". I started crying instantly. I cried for hours. I was the only one who cried that night, everyone else was in shock I think. After that I don't really remember much, I think I blocked alot of it out because the pain was almost too much to handle.

So here I sit at the age of 32 and I still cry when I recall that night. I look at Daddy's last words to me and I realize, he knew his time was coming. I don't think he knew the exact time but I think he knew it was close.  I just wish that I would have realized it then and hugged him and kissed him and spent as much time with him as I could have. But you can't change the past and you can't go back in time.

There is nothing in this world that will ever be able to fill the void in my heart. Every missed birthday, every missed holiday. It makes me sad to know that Kaylee will never know him (she knows who he is though, I've made sure of it. From the time she was a little baby I have shown her pictures of him and she knows that he is her Pappaw Duncan). Even though I know that he knows her (ask me, I'll tell ya).

These things make me sad. But the one thing that makes me happy is knowing that even though he hasn't been here physically he has been here in spirit.

I also know that when my time comes, Daddy will be there to greet me when I step into Heaven.

I struggled SO hard with this last week... I would start. Then stop and erase. Start again. Erase. Then ended up reposting something from a few days prior. Hopefully I will not have the same problem this week...

I am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my baby is growing up. She wants her independence and wants to do for herself. I am having trouble letting go. It started with brushing her hair. Small I know but oh so big in my small world. She will not let me touch her hair, unless it is to give her a pony tail. She has not yet mastered being able to brush her hair back and pull it into a tail. Small score for me. The next thing was pouring her own drink. Which she still needs help with if the container is too full of milk, juice or soda. So I have yet another small score. And then came being able to make her own sandwich! Oh how proud she was of herself the first time she did it! And I was proud too but sad at the same time. The more independent she becomes the less she needs me.

I cry when I think about how much she is growing. And I get sad. Sad that I will never get to hold her in my arms like I did when she was a baby. Sad that the bigger she gets, the less I can pick her up. Sad that she is not the same as she was before she started school. She is still sweet and good natured but school and being around other kids with different personalities has given her a sassyness that wasn't there before. I am learning to deal with it and learning that all these things are what is going to make her what she is when she grows up (I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else?)

So as she reaches these accomplishments of independence I will be proud of her and voice how proud I am of her. While on the inside I cry at the rate of which my sweet pumpkin is growing up. She will be a teenager before I know it... Then all hell will break loose! I just know it!

I originally posted this last Sunday. Some of you have already read it. I feel it fits in with Shell's Meme for today. I tried to write something else but just could not get the right words to fall. Hopefully next week I can come up with an original. Sorry that I had to repost...

It was brought to my attention this past week that Kaylee has been having trouble with one of her classmates. This little ~~wenchbag~~girl has been trying to tell Kaylee who she can and can't be friends with. I find all this out one morning as I am trying to get her ready for school. She gets this look on her face like she's gonna cry and I practically have to BEG her to tell me what's wrong. Feels like a major Mom FAIL already because I had to beg. I have ALWAYS told her that she can tell me anything with no worries or consequences. Why would she not feel comfortable enough to confide in me about this? And since she wasn't comfortable will she ever be able to talk to me about sex, her period, boys, etc., etc., etc.?? Apparently there are some issues that need to be worked out.

Back to the little girl... I tell Kaylee to tell this little chick that she does not dictate who Kaylee hangs with. I tell her to ignore this girl after all this is said. I get in return, "Mama, I have done all of that!" In chimes Big Daddy Randall to say that he will speak with her teacher and have it handled. Now I appreciate that he is sticking up for his baby girl but this is not the first time that he has went to the teacher when she has had trouble with 'mean girls' in her class. I want her to be able to stick up for herself. I want her to come to us 1) if it is a MAJOR issue that is too big for her to handle or 2) she has exhausted every option that she has before involving 'adults'. I'm trying to teach her to fight her own battles (instead of being labeled "The Tattle Tale"). Am I trying to enforce this at too young of an age? She is almost 8 going on 21.

I really think it all boils down to the girl being jealous of Kaylee. Kaylee is advanced in all her subjects and when she finishes her work, she helps the other kids with theirs. She tries to be friends with everyone in the class and gets hurt feelings when the friendship isn't reciprocated. I have tried to tell her that you can't be friends with everyone that there will just be some people who won't like you no matter what you do. I guess that is another MAJOR Mom Advice FAIL.

Lord if I'm having troubles now, what will it be like when she becomes a teenager??