Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: ramble

Showing posts with label ramble. Show all posts

Tossing and Turning

Lots on my mind.

Stress and worries that every adult, at one point or another, has.

Last night, Randall couldn't sleep.

Which is fine. I have nights when insomnia kicks in and leaves me unable to sleep.

The difference in our insomnia is the fact that when I have insomnia, he has no clue. When he has insomnia I somehow end up having insomnia with him.

What the fuck is that all about?

Why can I not be oblivious to the fact that he can't sleep?

It could stem from the fact that when he can't sleep he becomes restless. He tosses and turns. And flips and flops.

I swear he is secretly taking gymnastics.

This keeps me awake.

He does sometimes get up and lay down in another part of the house.

Still doesn't help me.

I end up dozing but never really going into a deep sleep because I am worried about him.

Lose/lose situation for me.

This has all brought me to the conclusion that I worry too damn much.

But that is who I am.

I am the woman who worries.

I worry about Randall.

I worry about Kaylee.

I worry about my parents.

I worry about a lot of things that I have no business worrying about.

I am tired of worrying.

I have to wonder if there will ever come a time when I won't worry.

Knowing me?

Probably not.

A Little Rest for the Wicked

Laying in bed last night, I listen as Randall starts to lightly snore.

I listen as his breathing evens out and he falls into a deeper sleep.

Usually this is something that relaxes me and helps me fall asleep.

Not last night.

Last night was a night in which no matter what I did my mind would not shut up.

Shit. Thank you insomnia.

This is what rolled around in my head as I tried to fall asleep:

"So glad tomorrow is Monday so Kaylee can go back to school.I know she gets so bored around here on the weekends.I have to have to have to do laundry tomorrow.I hate doing laundry.I need to pick some things up from the store.I really want to have Alfredo for lunch tomorrow.The bed is annoying me.When did this bed become so damn uncomfortable?"

Then I start to concentrate on Randall.

"UGH!I wish he would stop snoring!Lucky bastard never has trouble sleeping!Wonder if I can make him stop snoring with my mind? *stops for 5 seconds while I send snore death waves with my brain* Damnit!Maybe I should turn my light on and read for a little bit.Reading always makes me sleepy.But knowing my luck Randall will wake up and ask me why I am sitting here reading and not sleeping and then I will have to tell him that I couldn't sleep and he will want to know why and I won't have any reason for him other than I just couldn't sleep but I could tell him that he was snoring and it kept me awake but really it wasn't his snoring it was just my mind wouldn't SHUT THE FUCK UP but if I told him that he would look at me like I was crazy so maybe I just won't read."

Oh.... My.... God! Shut up Shut up SHUT UP! Please shut up and let me sleep for just a little bit.

So I lay there.

I play the alphabet game. I go through the alphabet in my head and name off an animal/food/place/thing that coincides with each letter.

"A = apple, B = Banana, C = Cucumber, D = Dog..." You can see where I was going, I am sure.

I look at the clock. It has been 3 hours since we went to bed. THREE FUCKING HOURS!? 3am. Great that means I have three and a half hours before I have to get Kaylee up for school.

Shit.

I lay there and obsess a little bit. I roll over and face Randall. He has stopped snoring. I start playing with my hair.

I relax.

My eyes close.

The next thing I know my alarm is blaring some over played rap song in my ear.

Huh.

Imagine that.

I finally fell asleep.

Wonder how that happened?

Saturday Bored-ness

It's Saturday afternoon.

I am doing nothing.

Nothing at all.

Playing on twitter.

Checking out Facebook.

Boring. Boring. Boring.

I have been watching re-runs of Jersey Shore on MTV.

Yeah. That should tell you just how bored I am.

I am tired. I have been sick for almost a month now. Lots of head and chest congestion.

I have been taking Nyquil. Aside from knocking me out and letting me sleep? It really isn't doing anything for me. I should probably take my happy ass to the doctor. I actually almost had Randall take me to the hospital so I could get some antibiotics. But I didn't.

I don't know where the line is.. The line that distinguishes that I really should go to the hospital and the line that says I am over-reacting.

UGH! It's times like this that I really want my Mommy. What am I? Five?

In other news: I have been thinking about doing some redecorating around here. But I am not sure what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions?

I just need a change. I can only go so long before I need new scenery.

That statement is true in more ways than one.

More ways than one.

UGH, now I am being all reminiscent-y and stuff. Not where I need to be on a day like this.

Sigh.

Think I'll go back to checking out Facebook and playing on twitter.

Boring. Boring. Boring.

His Home Away From Home...

OK, I just need to take a few minutes and vent.

Hope you don't mind...

Had to take Randall to the hospital again this evening. He started throwing up this morning, early, and continued to do so all day long. I asked him several times if he wanted to go to the hospital. He declined.

It angered me. It angered me that he was being so damn stubborn.

He caught me napping sometime during the morning and went and laid on the couch, in the living room, where Kaylee was up and watching TV.

He continued to throw up. He scared the shit out of Kaylee.

This pissed me off when I woke and discovered that he had not been in bed for quite a while.

I yelled at him.

I feel bad about it now. But in the moment I was beyond angry. Why the fuck would you put your baby girl through something like that?

I am scared shitless that she will end up being scarred from all of this.

Anyway...

After vomiting for 7 hours pretty much non-stop, he decided that he was ready to go to the hospital. Of course he was too weak for us to get him out to the car. FIL called 911.

I forgot to mention that due to all the vomiting and him being unable to keep anything down, he was passing out. That is always fun. Especially when it happens right in front of your child.

There is nothing I hate to hear more than Kaylee screaming out, "DADDY!!!".

The fear in her voice breaks my heart. And while I am trying to reassure her that he is OK, I am trying to not freak out myself. It's not easy to do.

We get to the ER, get into a room and wait 30 minutes for a doctor to come in. Doctor comes in and says she has been looking over Randall's chart and sees that he has been there several times in the past for the same thing and tells him that she will not give him pain meds of any sort because it has been marked in his chart that he only comes in looking for pain meds. But she will be more than happy to give him something for nausea.

I was pissed. I wanted to say so many things to this lady and did not. Randall tried to fight for himself but gave up. He felt that damn bad.

Weirdly enough, 10 minutes later, another doctor came in to see Randall. I talked to this doctor. I explained to this doctor that Randall is in pain 24/7. That he has pain all the time but that when he goes on a vomiting spree like today that it makes the pain 100 times worse. I explained that when he is as bad as he is, he is admitted and given IV nausea and pain meds. That controlling the pain will help to control the nausea and vomiting. I thought this doctor was actually going to 'get it'. I thought he understood. I thought he would help.

I am here to tell you that the whole time Randall was in the ER, a whole five and a half hours he never received any pain meds. He continued to vomit even with Zofran for nausea.

At one point, as Randall was throwing up, he looked at me and said, "I give up. I. give. up. I can't do this any more. I can't go on like this."

Do you know what it's like to hear the one you love tell you that they quit?

Do you know what it's like to hear him cry for someone to help him.

It's discouraging. It's scary. It's sad.

I cried. I couldn't help it.

To see him begging for help...

To hear him cry...

It broke my heart.

So I am worried and scared.

Scared that no matter how much I love him and tell him to fight that he might give up. Give up and leave Kaylee and I here, alone.

So I will ask, as I always selfishly do, if you will say a prayer for Randall?

Maybe send a positive thought or two his way?

Cross your fingers and toes that he will wake up in the morning feeling better?

Please?

Feel Bad Decorating

I am having a hard time getting my shit together today.

Once again, I do not feel well. My throat is sore once more.

I feel like my head is bigger than the rest of my body. And I'm a little woozy.

I'm a little worried about the sore throat. How many times can you have a sore throat before it turns really serious?

Anyway...

I have tried to write about several different things and they have all ended up seeming stupid to me. So you are stuck with me babbling about random stuff.

Hoping to get some decorations up soon. But it's not my call as to when the decorations get put up. That is all up to the MIL. Somehow she has the say as to when decorations get put up around here. Even though it's not her house.

I'm sure you're thinking, 'If you want decorations up just put them up.'

It's not that easy. The decorations are in storage, outside, under lock and key. A lock to which I have no key. So I can not just put decorations up when I want to.

Also, when the decorations do come out? I have to invite myself to help decorate.

My MIL likes to do everything on her own. With no help. Well with no help from me, Kaylee or Randall. I have went to bed, with them only supposed to 'get the decorations out' and have gotten up with the tree up and decorated.

What the what?

I am then left wanting to say something. But I do not. At least not to her.

I bitch to Randall. There isn't anything he can do but I bitch anyway. Bitching to him doesn't cause knock down drag out arguments. If I complained to her, it would start a fight.

A fight because she is stingy with the decorations.

A fight because she is opinionated and can only have things done her way.

It's her way or no way.

So I just deal with it. Me forever trying to be the peace keeper.

But on the inside I am cussing like a sailor.

Hope your Wednesday has been more together than mine has!

I Really Should Be Sleeping...

Really, I should be...

But the old insomnia bug has bit me in the ass once again.

I know why I can't sleep.

I am worried and stressed.

Worried about Randall and stressed about everything in between.

He has made it out of the hospital for a week this time. I hope he STAYS out. I hate when he is in the hospital because it leaves me here alone with his parents. Don't take me wrong. We get along OK but there are times when there is tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Those are the moments that I hide in my room. Those are also usually the moments when we are close to being broke.

I have been entering giveaways like a mad woman in hopes of winning things to help with Christmas shopping. I know it's 3 months away BUT if I don't start now, I may not be able to get anyone ANYTHING!

Kaylee is growing up so quickly. Where did my baby go? Not only is she doing safety patrol at school she also signed up for the after school program... That starts mid October. She will be staying at school until 4:30pm! When did she grow up and not want to spend all her time at home??? Actually I'm glad she wanted to sign up. She needs the extra curricular activities and something to take her mind off her Daddy being so sick.

Speaking of October (I did too! Very briefly up there^^), Can you believe HALLOWEEN is coming up? No clue what Kaylee will be this year. I've entered a couple of Halloween costume giveaways, so maybe I'll win that and get her a kick-ass costume! Keep my fingers crossed for that anyway!

By the way... October is breast cancer awareness month. So ALL month (maybe longer) I will have that nifty lil button at the top of my sidebar from The Breast Cancer Site. Could you, would you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, click it ONCE daily and sponsors will pay for mammograms to go to women in need! All you have to do is click... Quick and painless! And you will be helping so many women! I have two aunts who fought and SURVIVED breast cancer, so this is something near and dear to my heart. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help out!

I don't think I have anything else to babble on about. Well I do, but it would do no good to spill it here. I don't want to cloud bloggy land with my doom and gloom!

I think I will try to go to sleep. I will probably end up reading. Gave up on Eat, Pray, Love. That book sucked butt! I'm now reading Under The Dome by Stephen King. Interesting so far but I have always had a place in my heart for the weird things he can write about!

Hope you have a happy Thursday!

Sunday Rambling

Stealing an internet connection from the library is getting old. Although it really isn't stealing when they provide free WIFI access. It just feels like stealing to me... I didn't have a connection all day Friday OR Saturday... That was really irritating...

Randall has been in the hospital since Thursday. Nothing different, just a flare up of gastroparesis. He had to go to the ER THREE times before he was admitted. We tried to get him in before it got bad, but the ER docs have no clue. They don't get it. I don't even think they understand what gastroparesis is. Most of them give you a blank stare when they are told what his illnesses are. You wouldn't believe how many times I heard, "You need to find a doctor and follow up regularly.". I just want to scream: "HE HAS A DOCTOR, FIVE OF THEM TO BE EXACT! HE DOES FOLLOW UP. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HIS STOMACH IS GOING TO ACT UP. WHEN IT DOES AND IT'S BAD; Y'KNOW NON-STOP VOMITING THAT LASTS ALL DAY, HE HAS BEEN TOLD TO COME TO THE ER SO HE CAN BE LOOKED AFTER! NOW HOP OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE AND HELP MY HUSBAND!". Unfortunately, if I would have screamed that I would have been promptly escorted off the premises by security and maybe even put in jail.

I am exhausted. I never sleep well while he is in the hospital. I feel like I am being a shitty Mom to Kaylee though. I have let her stay up WAY, WAY, WAY later than what she should be, and then the in-laws let her get back up after they know I've gone to bed. Pisses me off. I feel like they're undermining me. Of course I don't say anything because it would be a BIG argument and it would be two against one AND I'm not subjecting Kaylee to any of that. I'll just save it up for when the playing field is even...

Does any of this make ANY sense? I really am just rambling on... Doesn't matter, I don't think anyone reads my bullshit anyway.

My brother sent me a message on facebook asking about Randall. Totally amazed me. Not that I think he really cares, I just think he was being nosy. I have a strained relationship with my brother and sister. That's another story for another time...

I think I will try and get some sleep.

Hoping your Sunday is filled with fun and happiness!

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