Comfortable Silence

I went to see Randall today. {Yes, he is back in the hospital, again}

It was a good visit.  I hadn't seen him since he had been admitted Friday night.

We talked about a few things.  Talked about his Dad.  Talked about the dispatching we do.  Talked about me getting a job once I am able to get a valid ID.  Talked about other various things.

But the best thing?  Was being able to sit in comfortable silence.  I wrapped myself up in it like it was a warm, cozy blanket.  It was nice.  I held his hand and sat there.  Loving the time I had with him.

When it came time for me to leave, he stood up and gave me a hug.  To have his arms around me, to have that comfort...  Felt so good.

And in that moment?  I cracked.  The armor that I have been wearing for months now, broke into pieces.  Before I could pick the pieces up, he noticed.  And was instantly asking what was wrong.

I could not give him an answer because truthfully, I didn't have any idea as to why I cracked.  I thought I had gotten pretty good at holding it all in until I could have a few moments to myself.  Apparently, I have not yet become a master of those emotions.

But I finally got it pulled together, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and left.  While I was standing at the bus stop I lost it again.  Not bad.  But bad enough when you're out in public.  I got myself together before I embarrassed myself.

So I have spent my day being an emotional wreck.

Tomorrow will be better.

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