Holding on to Hope

I am sitting alone in a doctors office.

This is my first time here so I am nervous.

I know that I am pregnant.  A home test and a test by my PCP have proven that.  But I have to take yet another test so that this doctor knows for sure.

I sit in the exam room and wait.  The doctor comes in and confirms what I already know.  I am pregnant.

I am not far enough along for a heart beat to be heard.

I explain to the doctor that this is my third pregnancy.  I let him believe that the first two pregnancies were miscarriages, even though with the second pregnancy I had an abortion.  I am too ashamed of this fact to tell the doctor the whole truth.

He tells me that since I have a history of miscarriage that at my next appointment an ultrasound will be done just to make sure that everything is going as it should be.

I leave feeling optimistic.  Hopeful that this time everything will be OK.

I go about my normal routine.  Waiting for the next appointment.  I speak with Randall several times every day on the phone. He is still in Texas and I am in Ohio.  This is his baby.  The result of our first meeting when I went to visit him.

We are making plans.

We are happy.

I am hopeful.

I spend a lot of time talking to the baby.  Rubbing my tummy.  Stuffing a pillow under my shirt to see how I will look when my tummy is big and round with baby.

The night before my next appointment, I take a bath.  I try to relax.  I rub my belly and talk to the baby.  Tell her how much I love her.  Tell her how much her daddy loves her.  Tell her to please be strong and please be OK.

I am hopeful.

The next day I am sitting in the same exam room as before.  Waiting to see the doctor.  He comes in and we go through the normal chit-chat.  He tries to listen for a heartbeat and finds none.

I am taken to the ultrasound room.  I am left alone for a few minutes.  I am nervous.

The tech comes in and does what needs to be done.  I try to look at the screen.  The tech really doesn't want me looking.  I catch a glimpse of my little bean.  Although I really have no clue what I am looking at.

The tech says nothing.

I am still nervous.  But am holding on to a thin string of hope.

The doctor comes in and asks if the tech said anything to me.  I shake my head.  He wavers just an instant, tells me to get dressed and says to meet him in his office.

I am a ball of emotions.  Somehow I manage to pull my clothes on.  Somehow I manage to walk down to his office.

I sit in a chair in front of a big oak desk and wait.  I am on pins and needles.  The string of hope I had been holding onto has broken.

The doctor finally walks in and sits down.  He looks at me.  I must look as pitiful as I feel.

He takes a breath and delivers the news.

"I'm sorry but there was no heartbeat.  You have miscarried."

Devastation.

Completely and utterly devastated.

I can not contain myself and burst into sobbing tears.

The doctor hands me tissues.  Tries to console me.  Tells me that I need to be scheduled for surgery.  Tells me that since this is my third miscarriage, he will do tests to see exactly what the cause is.

I pull myself together enough to walk through the waiting room and out to the car where my step-dad has been waiting.

I guess he can tell by looking at me that something is wrong.  He asks if everything is alright.  I shake my head.  Tears are stinging my eyes.

I am devastated.

I have to get home.  I have to call Randall.  How do I tell this man that I miscarried his baby?

I worry that since there is no baby that he will not want to be with me any more.

All the plans we were making have collapsed.

I dial his number and hold my breath.  He answers.  I tell him everything.

I am a babbling mess of tears and emotions.

He tells me to calm down.  Everything will be fine.

As if he can read my mind he also tells me that he still loves me.  That none of this was my fault.

I am comforted.

I hang up the phone.

I see the tiny thread of hope in front of me.

I grab it and hold on.






Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

My Ponderings

2011 can suck it. (2) 4th Grade (1) 9/11 (1) A decade feels like forever but it is only a drop in the bucket of life. (1) A picture is worth a thousand words. (1) abortion (1) Acknowledge and let go. (1) And then my head exploded. (1) Arguing doesn't solve anything (1) awkward (1) Awkwardness (1) Back to School (3) Bad decisions (1) Being sick sucks. (2) Beyond the Cracks (1) birthday (4) Cancer can SUCK IT. (1) Cancer sucks for animals as well as humans. (1) Change is what you make it. (1) Choices (2) Consensus on twitter? I am not alone in my feelings. Heh. (1) craziness (2) Daddy (5) Daddy passed away from lung cancer 2 years later. (1) Decisions (3) diabetes (4) distractions (1) Double Digits (1) Dreams (1) Driver2 really does have a crush on me. (1) duct tape crafts (1) Dysfunctional families (1) Embarrassed (1) Emotional scars heal but they still leave behind pain. (1) Facebook has let me down. (1) family (40) Farts are funny (2) fiction (1) Fireworks are AWESOME (1) Friendships Lost (1) Fuck you very much (1) funny (18) gastroparesis (13) Getting my days mixed up means I'm getting old. PFFFFFT. Whatever. (1) growing up (10) Guest Posting (2) Happy Birthday Daddy. (1) Happy Birthday Kaylee (1) HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY (2) healing (1) Heart attacks are no joke. (1) heart health (2) Hidden away in a journal (1) holidays (6) hookers (1) hospital (12) humor (3) I am not a Freaking FAIRY (1) I am the female version of Weird Al. (1) I did not feel this way being pregnant with Kaylee. (1) I don't like being mean but sometimes it's necessary. (1) I feel close to my sister again. (1) I get a kick out of irritating people. (1) I giggle at inappropriateness (1) I hate being accused of something I didn't do. (1) I hate when the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. (1) I have only been drunk once and No I didn't eat before hand. It wasn't pretty. (1) I just want to PEE IN PEACE. Is that so wrong? (1) I know I am WAY TOO LENIENT. I KNOW. (1) I like making things out of duct tape. (1) I look forward to June (1) I love my family more than words can express. (1) I love Randall more than words (2) I love twitter. (2) I married the man in this story on September 11th 1996. (1) I miss my sister (1) I need him as much if not more than what he needs me. (1) I realize now just how badly things COULD have turned out. Didn't think about it then. (1) I really wouldn't grab my doctors balls. But it's funny to think about. Isn't it? (1) I said 'fuck' a lot. Sorry. (1) I was a good girl once. Really. (1) I will not be treated like my opinion doesn't count ANYMORE (1) I will not win Parent of the Year for 2012. That's for sure. (1) I wish I had the guts to say all of this to my Mom. (1) I would never duct tape the kid but I HAVE thought about it. Heh. (1) I would rather be pissed off than pissed on. Hee hee. (1) If I'm my own rock does that make me Bipolar? NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE (1) If only life were as easy as it is in movies. (1) In my head (1) In the Moment (1) Insomnia sucks (4) irritation (2) It's no fun being in the ER (1) Jealousy (1) Karma (1) kaylee (49) Kaylee was conceived BECAUSE of 9/11. (1) Kaylee will always be my baby no matter how old she is. (1) Less Than (1) Let me be. (1) life (120) Listen up 2012. . . I will have none of this suckass-ness already. (1) Living life in the PNW. (1) Living unfiltered (1) living with diabetes (3) Looking for my sanity. Have you seen it? (1) Looking for my voice. Have you seen it? (1) Losing a parent when you are nine is hard. (1) love (22) M'mmm FOOD. (1) May 10 2012 (1) me (17) memories (19) mental abuse (1) miscarriage (1) Mom (4) Mom of the year here I come. (2) MOM? I'M BOOORRRREEEDDD. (2) Motherhood (2) Mt. Rainier (1) My doctor? Also put me on a prenatal vitamin. I am not preggy. He said it's good for me. He might be nuts. (1) My feelings get hurt often. (1) My organizational skills are lacking. (2) Nisqually National Wildlife Refuge (1) No compassion (1) Not sure what caused the pain. Wonder if it was just stress? (1) Oh the places I'd go. (1) Only a Daydream (1) Organized Chaos (1) Pain in the Chest (1) Parenting (4) Parenting Fail (1) Parenting is hard yo. (1) pondering (6) pour your heart out (10) prayer (4) pregnancy (1) Pretty sure the snooze button is the devil. (1) Questions from Kris (2) Quiet morning time is quite enjoyable. (1) ramble (7) Randall (46) random (18) Randomness from Me :) (32) Release The Krackens (1) remembrance (2) Respect (1) routines (1) sad (6) Sad and Romantic (1) sadness (3) Salmon is still pink no matter what any man says (1) Save the Drama for your Mama. (1) secondary adrenal insufficiency (3) Secret guilty pleasures are no longer secret. Heh. (1) sexual abuse (1) Shadows of the Past (2) She dropped a bomb on me. (1) She is me. Obviously. (1) siblings (1) sickness (24) Sigh (6) Silence is golden. Then you remember you have kids. (1) silliness (5) sisterhood (2) snarky (2) Some people might be inclined to think she was being taken advantage of. She has considered this. (1) Some things make me feel really old (2) Sometimes smoke and mirrors are used to keep you from seeing the real me. (1) Somewhere along the way things changed (1) Sprouting boobies would be funny (1) Squeaky McSqueakerson (1) stress (9) Ten Thought Tuesday (43) Ten Years Ago Today (1) That girl can SING (1) The Land of WA. (1) the man here was three times older than me. (1) Things that make me laugh (2) Things that rattle around in my head (1) Thinking about giving up the whole blogging thing. . . Really. (1) This is a touchy subject. (1) This is not about Randall or Kaylee. (1) This is only part of the story. The other half belongs to Randall. I can only tell my part. (1) This post is WAY WAY longer than it should be. Sorry. (1) This time of year is hard for me. If I could I would crawl in a hole and hide until February. (1) This was one of the hardest things I have ever done (1) Thoughtfulness (2) Time will tell (1) Today is my Birthday. (1) Tootin' (1) Trying to heal from things of the past (1) twitter (1) unexpected lessons (1) Unexpected things (1) Used to love using the posties. . . Decided to use them today. (1) We are still walking on the same path together. (1) We need some good around here right now. (1) What do you think? (1) What the fuck is wrong with me? (1) What would you do? (1) What? (1) Who daydreams about being old and gray? THIS CHICK DOES. What? (1) With Him (1) Wordless Wednesday (9) Writer's Workshop (8) WTF? (1) Yes I DO shop at thrift stores. (1) You are dead to me if you don't like bacon. OK. Not really. (1) You might learn more than you want to about me (1)