Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: growing up

Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts

The Last Day

OK people?

I need you to go visit my friend Crystal over at Phases of Me.

I hooked her up with a super duper new blog makeover {I did the header and the button}. And I want y'all to go check it out!

Go do that.

Please?

Back over here. . .

Today was Kaylee's last day of school. Finally.

It was a half day so it wasn't too bad.

There was an assembly to pass out awards. Randall and I made sure to be there.

We watch the kindergartners received awards.

We watch the first graders received awards.

And the second graders.

Finally the third graders get their turn.

Kaylee receives two lovely awards. Attendance and Citizenship.

The fourth graders go and then the fifth graders.

And then the assembly is over.

The kids go back to their classrooms.

The parents who showed up go home.

An hour later I am back at school to pick Kaylee up. I know this moment is bittersweet for her. She loves her teacher and found out not too long ago that she is leaving and will be teaching at a different school next year.

The teacher has a special surprise award waiting for Kaylee. She waits until all the other kids are gone before it is presented.

Yes, it is that special.

It is a card filled with love and praise and a gift card to Barnes & Noble. Kaylee is surprised and teary eyed.

Kaylee received this award because she was at the top of her class in math and reading. And her teacher wanted to recognize her for it.

I imagine she did it after class as to not show favoritism.

A couple of hugs and well wishes for the teacher and we are on our way home.

I am so proud of everything Kaylee has accomplished.

Such a smart, kind, caring and sweet ~~little girl~~ young lady.

My baby is now a fourth grader.

Sigh.

Where did the time go and is it possible to get some of it back??

Forgotten

When I was 7 years old, my Daddy was very, very sick.

It all started with a collapsed lung. He was having trouble breathing. He was shaking like a leaf.

Mom kept asking him if he needed to go to the hospital. He kept saying no. I guess either Mom kept nagging til he gave in or it got so bad that he knew he absolutely had to go because we loaded up in the car, with Mom driving and went to the ER.

I was in my jammies.

Ready for bed.

I was in the backseat with my favorite blanket.

Scared. I remember being so, so scared.

We got to the hospital and he was taken back immediately. There was no waiting. This was the most dire of emergencies.

I sat in the waiting room.

In my jammies.

Ready for bed.

I wrapped myself up in my favorite blanket.

Scared.

Not really understanding what was happening.

After what seemed like hours, I was able to go back and see Daddy. I remember the doctor telling Mom that they had to insert a chest tube to drain Daddy's lung and it had to be done with no anestetic. The doctor said that Daddy might have died if they would have given him anything to ease the pain.

There was blood on the floor. Daddy's blood.

I cried. How could he still be alive with this blood on the floor? He was laying down. Tubes coming out of him and machines all around him. Eyes closed.

I was so scared. I couldn't say anything to him.

He was admitted.

Mom and I went home. I think I even went to school the next day.

Mom spent as much time at the hospital as she could. I remember more than once getting off the school bus and having to sit outside on the porch because no one was home.

I was scared. I didn't understand what was going on. I wondered why I had been forgotten.

No one told me what was wrong with Daddy. No one talked to me.

I did, on occasion, get to go see him while he was in the hospital. I would go with armfuls of drawings that I had made for him. He always made sure that they were hung on the wall. Right where he could see them.

I was afraid that he would forget me. That's why I made so many drawings for him. He couldn't forget if there were reminders of me hung up everywhere.

I don't want Kaylee to be forgotten. I don't want her to be in the dark about everything that is going on with her Daddy. I don't want her to be scared and feel alone.

I am trying to keep her in the loop. I try to talk to her about everything. I try to get out of her how she feels about it all. She won't open up to me.

And that scares me. That's how I was at her age. I felt like the people who were supposed to love me the most were leaving me behind.

I am trying to do for her what my Mom didn't do for me.

Being on the other side now, I completely see and understand how Mom got so completely wrapped up in Daddy and his sickness and trying to take care of him. I get it.

I just wish she would have remembered me.

Sprouting What?

Walking home from school with Kaylee yesterday evening this is part of the conversation that took place:

"So I went to go see Daddy at the hospital today."

"AWW! You got to see Daddy and I didn't?! That's not fair!!! I NEVER get to go see Daddy!"

"Sorry babe. But even if I took you, you wouldn't be able to see Daddy."

"Why not?????"

"Because you are not old enough."

"WHAT? I am eight years old. That is plenty old enough. I, am an adult!"

"No. No you are not an adult. Not even close."

"OK, maybe I'm not. But I will be soon!"

"Oh yeah? What constitutes being an adult?"

"Having boobies!"

Wait... What?! I stopped in my tracks. I could not help but start to giggle.

"So you think that having boobies is what makes you an adult?" I say between giggles.

She is giggly now too. "Yes."

"No babe. You don't just one day sprout boobs and then suddenly turn into an adult. There is way more to it than that."

Kaylee is laughing now. "Sprout boobies?!?!"

I am sure she is having visions of boobs popping up on her chest in the way that a new seedling pushes up through the soil as it grows.

I am almost in tears by the time we get home. And this was only a five minute walk people. A five minute walk! She really can crack me up sometimes.

Kaylee can not wait for the boob fairy to bestow upon her a pair of boobies. The bigger the better.

I, on the other hand, can wait a lifetime if it means I get to keep my little girl just a tad bit longer.

I Want You to Know...

Today is a letter to Kaylee. Full of things Randall and I as parents want her to take and use as she grows. Hopefully they are things that will help her get through the trying times of growing up into an adult. Hopefully they are things that she will one day pass on to her own children.

Dear Kaylee,

I want you to know that it is difficult to raise a child. But it is also the best and most humbling experience there is. I want you to know that your Daddy and I? We have tried very hard to raise you right and instill in you values that are important to us. These are things that we think will help you as you grow older.

I want you to know that no matter what you do in or with your life that we will always be here for you. We want you to be happy and even if, in the moment, we are not happy with your choices? We will always be there to help and support you.

I want you to know that it is OK to make mistakes. You learn from your mistakes and grow from them. And sometimes it takes a while for the lesson to be learned. Just know that that is OK too.

I want you to know that it is OK to ask for help. You will come across problems, issues, tasks and other things in your life that you won't be able to handle by yourself. And that's OK. Sometimes two heads are better than one.

I want you to know that money does not make you happy. Yes, you will need money to buy food, clothing and shelter-- the necessities. But you do not have to have money to have fun in life.

I want you to know that if you make a promise, no matter how small or trivial it may seem to you, KEEP IT. You don't tell someone you're going to do one thing and then turn around and do the complete opposite. You always keep your word. If you don't have your word, you don't have anything.

I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. The love I have for you is a love that you will not know until you have kids of your own. There are no words to describe it. It's breathtaking, really.

I hope you take these and use them to your best advantage.

All My Love,

Mama

See-Saw

I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of days. Not something unusual when I have lots of things on my mind. Those things bounce around in my brain and make it almost impossible to sleep. Thus ensues the insomnia.

One thing that keeps circling is how people see me. How people on the outside see me.

Most people? See a strong willed woman. A woman who takes no shit. From anyone.

A woman who is a loving mother and a dedicated wife.

A woman who is strong. Who has kept her family together through a lot of tough times.

A woman who has been the rock for her husband and her daughter since her husband became ill.

A woman who speaks her mind.

A woman who fights for what she believes in.

I believe that I am this woman. I know she exists.

My problem lies in who I see when I look in the mirror.

I do not see the person everyone else sees.

The woman I see? She is not a woman at all. She is still a girl.

She is scared. She is weak.

She is so quiet and shy that most would say she is backwards.

She takes shit from everyone and just lets it build. She never speaks up for herself.

She feels inadequate as a mother and even more so as a wife.

She keeps to herself.

She is afraid of confrontation.

She sees glimpses of the woman she wants to be.

I am working on seeing the woman most people see.

I am working on being and becoming me.

Silly Facial Mud Putty

I was going through my journal and came across an entry from the beginning of September. Thought I would share it with you.

Friday Sept. 3, 2010

Today, Kaylee was playing with her silly putty. Usually not a bad thing. Until you start playing with it and pretending you are in a spa and you're using it as 'facial mud'.

Can you guess what happened next?

She came crying that she had silly putty stuck in her hair!

She was balling. She was so upset.

I was angry. Very angry!

But I didn't blow up. I held my temper.

And immediately started wondering, "How the hell do you get silly putty out of hair??"

Randall's suggestion was to try and comb it out.

So I did. It did get most of the putty out but left her hair streaked with pink goo.

I made her hop in the shower. And we washed her hair.

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed some more. I used a ton of shampoo.

I was skeptical, thinking the whole time, "This is gonna be bad. I'm gonna end up having to cut her hair, I just know it!"

Would you believe that simply washing her hair actually got the silly putty out?

I was totally amazed. I was expecting to have to get my scissors out.

Hopefully Kaylee learned her lesson.

Silly putty does not a facial mud make... LOL

Happy to report that since this happened 3 months ago, Kaylee has not once put the putty anywhere near her face!

Hee hee!

Comforts of Mom

Having a sick kid is never fun.

Having a sick kid over a weekend is even less fun.

Kaylee's field trip was on Friday. She had such a good time. I was glad. The only thing she didn't enjoy was the fact that they had to eat their lunch on the bus, on the way back to school. Can't say that I blame her on that.

When I picked her up from school, she didn't look right to me. I asked her if she had been crying. She replied with a resounding "NO, I have not!"

So I let it go.

Later in the evening, she started complaining about her throat hurting.

Uh oh, this is not gonna be pretty.

By eight she is completely miserable. She is fevered. Her throat is killing her. She feels like shit.

By nine she is ready for bed. Already in her jammies and coming to tell me she wants to go to bed. Highly unusual for her since on Friday and Saturday she gets to stay up later. I'm a softy and let her stay up 'til eleven on the weekends.

She tells everyone good night. I head to the kitchen to get her a bottle of water. I turn around and she is standing there.

"What's wrong Pumpy?" Pumpy is short for Pumpkin, my nickname for her since she was born.

She croaks out, "I want you. I really don't feel good."

And she walks to me, hugs me. She's in tears she feels so bad. She just wants some love and comfort from her Mama.

Who hasn't been in that position before? Who hasn't wanted the comfort of someone special when they feel like crap?

So I wrap her up in a hug, kiss her on the head and walk her to her room. I get her all tucked in. "Will you lay down with me? I feel horrible Mama."

Of course I lay down with her. I have to be under the covers, she is happy no other way. She snuggles up to me and lays her head on my chest. Memories come flooding back of holding her as a baby. How she needed and relied on me for everything. How peaceful it could be to just hold her and watch her sleep. I am saddened a little. There won't be many more opportunities like this.

Tears are falling. From her, even though I am a little misty eyed. I rub her back and tell her to concentrate on going to sleep. She moans and whines and cries some more. I am doing the best I can to comfort her. Finally, after about 20 minutes, she calms down enough for me to get up. She isn't asleep but she is calm. She is some what comforted. She really didn't want me to leave.

I tell her that she will go to sleep easier if I'm not in bed with her anyway.

Ten minutes later she was fast asleep.

I wish I could say she woke up Saturday feeling all better. I would be a liar if I did. She felt rotten all day.

Sunday she felt a little better but was not 100%. That means she was kept home from school today.

Hopefully she will be able to go back to school Tuesday. She can be a real bear when she's been cooped up for such a long time.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Stupid Choices of a Younger Me

I have been thinking about making some changes in my life.

Changes that I need.

Changes that will help better me as a person.

You see, as a teenager, I made some stupid choices where my life and my schooling were concerned.

Early in my senior year of high school I decided that I didn't want to go to college. People would ask what I wanted to go to school for and I could never come up with an answer. There was nothing that interested me enough to pursue as a career. So I decided that I would take a year off after graduation, to chill out and think and come up with something to go to school for. No big deal.

That was my first mistake.

Mid way through my senior year I met a guy at work, thought I fell in love and got engaged. That's right, engaged, to be married. And actually got married to this man three months after graduation.

Before he and I got serious I had tossed around the idea of joining the Army or the Marines. I had even been talking with a recruiter for the Army. I was really close to signing papers and I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it.

He was not supportive at all. His worries were 'What happens to us when you move away' and 'Is there anyway that I will be able to come with you'. He seemed way more worried about these issues than I did. That should have tipped me off right there that he was not the one. But I ignored those signs and decided not to join the Army. All because of him.

That was mistake number two.

Mistake number three was getting married at such a young age. I regret doing it. All I can say is that I was young, in love with the thought of being in love and desperately wanted out from under my Mom's roof.

I used him to get out of her house. It is not something that I am proud of. But in turn, he used me too. We both worked and while my paycheck was used to pay all the bills he spent his paycheck on frivolous things like comic books, adult magazines and video games.

I can remember having several arguments with him about how he spent money. And telling him that we were married and that our money should be pooled and that I was majorly stressed out with the bills and couldn't do it all by myself. Honestly, we acted more like friends with benefits than we did a married couple. Needless to say, we didn't stay married.

So my need for change stems from some of the mistakes that I made when I was younger.

What is the change?

I want to go back to school. I want to further my education and become something. Become something that my family can be proud of. I still do not know exactly what I want to be. I have a few ideas but nothing concrete.

I also have to psych myself up for going back to school, as I have it in my head that I am too old to even try.

I have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of soul searching.

I'm scared of the change that I want.

The best thing is that Randall supports me. He wants me to better myself. He wants me to feel good about myself.

I just really hope that I don't chicken out on it all.

Then VS Now

I have been sitting here thinking about how things used to be.

How my life now versus my life before I had a child is so completely different.

The first thing to go? My figure. Kaylee is eight years old now, and I still haven't lost the 'baby weight' that I gained. Granted I wasn't skinny when I got pregnant but I ended up being more un-skinny than I was before becoming preggy. Although here lately, I have been on a solid losing streak where the weight is concerned.

I can remember before I had Kaylee, when I was a working woman who got to go play in the real world with other adults, I actually could and would take a shower every day.

And now? I am lucky to shower 3 times a week. It's not so much that I don't have the time to shower as it is that I don't have the energy to shower every day.

I remember a time when I would put on a little makeup every day. Now? Now if I put makeup on, everyone makes a big deal about it.

"Why are you wearing makeup Mama?" soon followed by "Can I put some makeup on too????"

"Did you do something to your eyes? They look different."

Plus, Randall gets it in his head that he is going to get lucky.

Speaking of sex...

I remember when I wanted to have sex several times a week. Hell there were days I wanted it several times a day!

Nowadays, I am lucky to actually want to have sex once a month. It has nothing to do with Randall. I am still very much attracted to him. It has everything to do with the fact that I am tired. I would much rather get some sleep vs. get some (what's amusing is that Randall is the same way these days)

I remember having friends and acquaintances by the dozens when I was younger.

These days I have a couple of close friends. I totally blame this on myself. But then again, when I was younger, I was working. I talked to people. I had to have interactions with people daily so of course I ended up knowing a lot of people.

When I was younger, I was way more bold. Now that I am getting older? I feel like I am closing in on myself. More so in everyday life. I physically shudder at the thought of trying to talk to some one in person. More so if that person is a stranger. Not so much online. Online I feel like I can be more open and speak more freely.

You know what?

Everything happens for a reason. All of these changes that I am dealing with are a part of me. They are what makes me who I am.

Can I change some of these things? Sure I can. With a little hard work and dedication, anything can be changed.

I think we have all gone through some of these at one point or another. It is all just a part of growing older.

Or at least that's what I am telling myself.

Have a wickedly wonderful Wednesday!

I Really Should Be Sleeping...

Really, I should be...

But the old insomnia bug has bit me in the ass once again.

I know why I can't sleep.

I am worried and stressed.

Worried about Randall and stressed about everything in between.

He has made it out of the hospital for a week this time. I hope he STAYS out. I hate when he is in the hospital because it leaves me here alone with his parents. Don't take me wrong. We get along OK but there are times when there is tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Those are the moments that I hide in my room. Those are also usually the moments when we are close to being broke.

I have been entering giveaways like a mad woman in hopes of winning things to help with Christmas shopping. I know it's 3 months away BUT if I don't start now, I may not be able to get anyone ANYTHING!

Kaylee is growing up so quickly. Where did my baby go? Not only is she doing safety patrol at school she also signed up for the after school program... That starts mid October. She will be staying at school until 4:30pm! When did she grow up and not want to spend all her time at home??? Actually I'm glad she wanted to sign up. She needs the extra curricular activities and something to take her mind off her Daddy being so sick.

Speaking of October (I did too! Very briefly up there^^), Can you believe HALLOWEEN is coming up? No clue what Kaylee will be this year. I've entered a couple of Halloween costume giveaways, so maybe I'll win that and get her a kick-ass costume! Keep my fingers crossed for that anyway!

By the way... October is breast cancer awareness month. So ALL month (maybe longer) I will have that nifty lil button at the top of my sidebar from The Breast Cancer Site. Could you, would you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, click it ONCE daily and sponsors will pay for mammograms to go to women in need! All you have to do is click... Quick and painless! And you will be helping so many women! I have two aunts who fought and SURVIVED breast cancer, so this is something near and dear to my heart. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help out!

I don't think I have anything else to babble on about. Well I do, but it would do no good to spill it here. I don't want to cloud bloggy land with my doom and gloom!

I think I will try to go to sleep. I will probably end up reading. Gave up on Eat, Pray, Love. That book sucked butt! I'm now reading Under The Dome by Stephen King. Interesting so far but I have always had a place in my heart for the weird things he can write about!

Hope you have a happy Thursday!