Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: Randall

Showing posts with label Randall. Show all posts

My Rock

The pain started in his back, just under his left shoulder. We didn't really worry about it overmuch. .

He thought it was a pinched nerve. It was acknowledged and we moved on about our business.

As the evening wore on the pain increased and started to move.

It wrapped around to his chest.

Shooting, stabbing pains.

We both became concerned when nothing we tried made the pain go away.

So in the middle of the night an ambulance was called and he was rushed off to the hospital.

It was there that we learned that he was, in fact, having a heart attack and would need to have an angiogram.

Right then.

No waiting. From the ER to the Cath Lab in the span of a couple of hours.

There were two blockages that needed to be fixed immediately with stents. A third blockage was found but wasn't bad enough to need attention at that time.

I sat alone in the waiting room worrying that I might not see him again.

Exhausted from spending the night in the emergency room.

Stressed out from not really knowing what to expect.

That was almost three years ago.

It will be exactly three years on June 7th.

You know what's ironic? On June 7th, Randall will be having an angiogram done.

Exactly three years to the day that he had a heart attack.

His anniversary.

Recent tests have given his cardiologist reason to believe that there may be more damage to his heart. That the third blockage may be causing him grief now.

He may need another stent.

He may need to have by-pass surgery.

We won't know 'til the doctor is able to take a look.

The doctor is calling this preventative care. If this were to go untreated it may end with another, more devastating, heart attack.

I am feeling all the emotions that I felt three years ago.

Shock that this is happening.

Worry that they will find something worse than what we are preparing for.

Apprehension that they will take him back and I won't see him again.

That is my biggest fear. And while I am trying to push that thought to the very back of my mind, into the deepest, darkest recesses, it's still there.

I can not lose him.

He can not leave me.

That is selfish of me. I don't care.

We have been through way too much for it all to end here, now.

We deserve to grow old together.

I don't think he realizes that as much as he needs me, I need him more.

I need him to be here.

I need him to be my best friend.

My shoulder to cry on.

My confidant.

My rock.

********************

Linking up with Shell today.

Go see what others are sharing, won't you?

With Him

I am spent.

I am not sure that I have the ability to be "the strong one" any more.

It is of no news to anyone that Randall is not a well man. He has many, many issues.

In 2009 he had a heart attack. At the age of thirty-five. He also had to have two stents placed into the arteries around his heart in order to help open up the blockages.

That was three years ago. And he is having troubles with his heart again.

It was confirmed last week (as he went to the hospital with mild chest discomfort) that he has in fact had another heart attack sometime within the last three years. As I type this, he is at the hospital because he started having chest pains again.

I am trying to hold it together. Really, I am.

But I am scared.

Scared that he is going to run out of chances at living his life.

He doesn't exercise. He smokes. He is diabetic. He stays stressed out.

There is only so much I can do. I am not his mother and I am not his keeper.

He is an adult and he is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Or at least that's what he tells me.

Hopefully his eyes will be opened and he will do what needs to be done so that he can watch his little girl grow up.

I don't want her to grow up without a daddy.

I want to spend my life with him.

Grow old and gray with him.

Share remembered stories with him.

Laugh and smile and giggle with him.

Take the trips that we've dreamed about with him.

Hold our first born grandchild with him.

Please God, Open his eyes and make him see that he is running out of chances.

We need him more than he realizes

***************************

Pouring my heart out with Shell today. . .

Hello and happy Tuesday to you.

Hoping that your week is going way better than mine is.

Are you ready for the ride that is my randomness?

Here we go:

10. Randall went to the hospital Sunday night and was subsequently admitted. Poor guy has an NG tube and is not allowed to eat or drink. There is blood in his belly and they are not sure what is causing it.

9. I am not sure how to process this information.

8. I am exhausted. Plain and simple.

7. When I am nervous and worried?? I do one of two things. I either clean or eat. Last night, I chose to clean. I did three loads of laundry and straightened up my room a little.

6. I also spent some time playing with Kaylee. She now knows how to braid her Barbie dolls' hair.

5. I might be a tiny bit awesome.

4. Today is picture day for Kaylee at school. I think the school knows when I am seriously low on funds. I wasn't able to buy the pack of pictures that I really wanted. I am kinda bummed.

3. I wish they would let you order the pictures and pay for them when they come in. But I guess that could end up with a lot of waste. Time, paper, etc., etc.

2.You have no clue how many times I have wished that it was me who was sick. . . I would so rather it be me laying in the hospital than him.

1. I am trying to be everyone's rock. What happens when I start to crumble???

Lost: My Compassion

It is really late Sunday night.

Or very early Monday morning. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

My FIL had to take Randall to the ER tonight. {I choose Sunday night since I haven't been to bed yet.}

I may have been very unsympathetic towards him and how he was feeling. Please don't judge me. Randall has had gastroparesis for almost 3 years now. I spent the first year and a half a worried, compassionate mess. I finally learned the best way to get him to the hospital was to be stern with him. Otherwise I would probably be close to insanity by now.

I may have yelled at him when he was feeling the worst.

I may have told him that I didn't want to go to the hospital with him.

I think we can all agree that I was being a bitch.

The thing is, if you have not been through one of Randall's sick episodes? You have no clue how traumatic they are for everyone.

He runs to the bathroom and vomits. . . Kaylee starts to cry.

He comes into the bedroom mutters an "I'm OK." and falls into bed. He complains about the pain he is in and complains about the nausea. Five minutes later he is running back to the bathroom. Kaylee starts to cry again.

I tell her to not cry. I tell her that we have been through this several times before. I tell her that she knows Daddy isn't well and that sometimes his tummy doesn't act right.

I get her calmed down in time for Randall to come out of the bathroom, looking like shit warmed over.

I start out asking him if he wants to go to the hospital. His answer is always "NO".

I have enough time to say the words "I really think you should go" and he is off to the bathroom again.

His puking sessions are violent and loud.

Kaylee starts to cry.

By this point I am irritated. This is where I lose any and all compassion.

I become downright mean.

I yell at Randall. I yell at Kaylee.

To my amazement Randall says he will go to the hospital. He asks his Dad to take him. {Because honestly, I am being a bitch at this point. I wouldn't want me going either.}

Which brings me to where I am now. Sitting here and waiting to hear something from my FIL from the hospital.

Having had some time to look back on my reaction? I feel pretty bad.

But if I wouldn't have been mean, he would still be here running back and forth to the bathroom until he would be so weak that he couldn't move then forcing us to call an ambulance and listen to them hem and haw as to whether they should take him to the hospital or not thus causing me to turn into super-bitch and demand that he be taken to the hospital because there is nothing that I can do for him here, when he gets sick like that he can't hold anything down not even water so how would you expect me to get him to take his PILLS?

So, while I feel bad about being a bitch, I don't because I know that my bitchiness made Randall go to the hospital before he got really, really bad.

Less stress on everyone.

Well except maybe the FIL who is stuck sitting in the hospital room with Randall.

That's an experience in and of itself too.

Please keep Randall in your thoughts and prayers. Send him good mojo and positive vibes. Toss some in there for me too, wouldja?

Holding on to Hope

I am sitting alone in a doctors office.

This is my first time here so I am nervous.

I know that I am pregnant. A home test and a test by my PCP have proven that. But I have to take yet another test so that this doctor knows for sure.

I sit in the exam room and wait. The doctor comes in and confirms what I already know. I am pregnant.

I am not far enough along for a heart beat to be heard.

I explain to the doctor that this is my third pregnancy. I let him believe that the first two pregnancies were miscarriages, even though with the second pregnancy I had an abortion. I am too ashamed of this fact to tell the doctor the whole truth.

He tells me that since I have a history of miscarriage that at my next appointment an ultrasound will be done just to make sure that everything is going as it should be.

I leave feeling optimistic. Hopeful that this time everything will be OK.

I go about my normal routine. Waiting for the next appointment. I speak with Randall ~~several times~~ every day on the phone. He is still in Texas and I am in Ohio. This is his baby. The result of our first meeting when I went to visit him.

We are making plans.

We are happy.

I am hopeful.

I spend a lot of time talking to the baby. Rubbing my tummy. Stuffing a pillow under my shirt to see how I will look when my tummy is big and round with baby.

The night before my next appointment, I take a bath. I try to relax. I rub my belly and talk to the baby. Tell her how much I love her. Tell her how much her daddy loves her. Tell her to please be strong and please be OK.

I am hopeful.

The next day I am sitting in the same exam room as before. Waiting to see the doctor. He comes in and we go through the normal chit-chat. He tries to listen for a heartbeat and finds none.

I am taken to the ultrasound room. I am left alone for a few minutes. I am nervous.

The tech comes in and does what needs to be done. I try to look at the screen. The tech really doesn't want me looking. I catch a glimpse of my little bean. Although I really have no clue what I am looking at.

The tech says nothing.

I am still nervous. But am holding on to a thin string of hope.

The doctor comes in and asks if the tech said anything to me. I shake my head. He wavers just an instant, tells me to get dressed and says to meet him in his office.

I am a ball of emotions. Somehow I manage to pull my clothes on. Somehow I manage to walk down to his office.

I sit in a chair in front of a big oak desk and wait. I am on pins and needles. The string of hope I had been holding onto has broken.

The doctor finally walks in and sits down. He looks at me. I must look as pitiful as I feel.

He takes a breath and delivers the news.

"I'm sorry but there was no heartbeat. You have miscarried."

Devastation.

Completely and utterly devastated.

I can not contain myself and burst into sobbing tears.

The doctor hands me tissues. Tries to console me. Tells me that I need to be scheduled for surgery. Tells me that since this is my third miscarriage, he will do tests to see exactly what the cause is.

I pull myself together enough to walk through the waiting room and out to the car where my step-dad has been waiting.

I guess he can tell by looking at me that something is wrong. He asks if everything is alright. I shake my head. Tears are stinging my eyes.

I am devastated.

I have to get home. I have to call Randall. How do I tell this man that I miscarried his baby?

I worry that since there is no baby that he will not want to be with me any more.

All the plans we were making have collapsed.

I dial his number and hold my breath. He answers. I tell him everything.

I am a babbling mess of tears and emotions.

He tells me to calm down. Everything will be fine.

As if he can read my mind he also tells me that he still loves me. That none of this was my fault.

I am comforted.

I hang up the phone.

I see the tiny thread of hope in front of me.

I grab it and hold on.

Hooked

Randall, Kaylee and I are out and about running some errands today.

We are all getting hungry and decide that lunch needs to be had.

We toss about a few restaurants {we have to be picky because of Randall's stomach} and finally settle on Taco Bell.

As we are pulling into the parking lot, I notice a sign in the window that says "Get HOOKED on HUNGER" or something to that effect.

I giggle. "Just glancing at that sign, I thought it said something about hookers."

You know, because hookers need to eat too.

Randall looks at me, giggles and parks the car.

Apparently Kaylee had a lost and/or confused look on her face because the next thing out of Randall's mouth is, "Do you know what a hooker is Pumpy?"

I roll my eyes. If she knows what a hooker is then there is going to be WAY less TV watching done in this house.

Of course she shakes her head no. Thank God. I like watching TV, sometimes.

So then Randall asks, "Do you know what sex is??"

"NO!"

"OK well when a man and a woman. . . "

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!"

She is all but sticking her fingers in her ears and going "LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

I am a giggling mess.

There is no politically correct way to explain what a hooker is to a nine year old.

Or if there is? I have not yet figured out what it may be.

Life is funny around here people.

This family of mine cracks me all the fuck up.

Nominations Please?

In case you were wondering, Randall has been doing well.

Stomach issues handled with no hospital admittance this time around. YAY!

But now?

Now, he has a toothache.

Sigh.

If it's not one thing, it's another. That is just how life has been hitting us lately.

I am still desperately trying to keep Kaylee entertained.

Thankfully she has been occupied with the kids next door.

Which sometimes leads to her little friends coming over to our house too.

Which in turn prompted me to tweet this:

I really need to be nominated for Mom of the year.

Don't you think?

Long Night, Hard Day

It has been a long week.

A long week of Randall getting sick.

Every single night.

And every single night I have asked him if he wants to go to the hospital. And every single night he has said that he is OK.

And he is. Until he eats something and his stomach decides it doesn't feel like processing the food he has given it. So his stomach gives it back.

Last night was a long night.

Randall started getting sick late in the evening.

I told him he should go to the hospital.

He responded with he was fine.

This continued ALL night.

Finally at 6am, he decided he needed to go. After seeing that his meds were not going to help control the nausea.

He hates going to the hospital. And I understand why. The doctors there treat him as though he is lying about how he feels.

If I was treated that way every time I went? I wouldn't want to go either.

So I had a long night with very little sleep and now Randall is at the hospital. Hopefully they can treat him and make him feel better.

He might end up being admitted. I am not sure. It will all depend on the doctor and how he responds to the meds that are given to him.

Please send prayers, positive vibes & thoughts, good juju and whatever else you can think of so that he feels better soon.

It is greatly appreciated.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: A Realization

This is my first time linking up with All.Things.Fadra and Stream of Consciousness Sunday. Sometimes you just need to let things out. Let them be free. And today brought me to a realization. Read and enjoy.

Not pregnant.

I am not pregnant.

This was confirmed Friday night as I sat in the ER for my foot.

The nurse made me take a test since I haven't had a period since March.

And the result is that I am not pregnant.

And I am sad.

I don't think it was meant for me to have another child.

But really? We aren't ready for another baby right now.

The situation isn't right.

We are not prepared to have another child. There is just too much that goes along with having a baby.

I can not take care of Kaylee, Randall when he is sick AND another child. There is no way.

I would be running on less sleep than what I do now.

And I know there are other women out there who do it everyday.

I just don't think I was meant to be one of them.

Together but Separate

Watching a movie last night with Randall.

It's about a man protecting his family from a burglar and while protecting his family? Said burglar might get hit with a baseball bat and dies.

The man ends up going to prison. He gets screwed more ways than one after he is in the prison system.

Surprisingly, it wasn't a bad movie.

Felon is the name, in case you are interested.

After the movie I look at Randall.

"If you went to prison? I would wait for you."

And I am suddenly taken back to a time when we were together but not travelling on the same path.

He drove a cab and stayed gone more than I liked.

We lived with my Mom, who looked at him as a failure. That's part of the reason why he stayed gone all the time.

We traveled down this path for some time. Together but separate.

I spent every waking hour trying to make him see that the path he was on was one of destruction.

He was about to lose everything that he loved and cared for.

Finally it all came to a head. I could not take any more.

I could not take the disappointment in Kaylee's eyes when Daddy didn't come home when he said he would.

I could not take the looks of accusation from my Mom when Randall wouldn't call for days on end.

I could not take being together but separate any more.

I blew up.

One day while he was gone, I gathered all of his belongings and tossed them on the front porch.

I had warned him that this was going to happen.

He did not believe that I had done it until he pulled up in front of Mom's house.

I went outside and talked to him.

Full of emotions.

I was strong. I told him that he had reached the final straw and I was done.

I told him that we might be better off taking a break. Separate. And live on our own paths.

That was the hardest thing I have ever done.

He angrily sped off down the street.

I went back inside and collapsed.

I cried like I have never cried before.

Huge wailing sobs.

The pain in my chest was unbearable.

My heart was broken.

I had lost the only man I ever truly loved.

My Mom and Step-Dad both looked at me like I was nuts.

They assured me that I had done the right thing for me and for Kaylee.

It did not feel right to me.

I was now half of the whole.

I was incomplete.

Later that night I call Randall so he can talk to Kaylee and tell her goodnight.

We talk.

Finally I had opened his eyes.

I had made him see what he had and what he was losing.

It takes a few days but we get things straightened out.

He comes back to live at Mom's.

We are together again.

We are whole.

We start on the same path . . . together not separate.

Tootin' in the Booty

Kaylee is laying on the bed with me.

She is snuggled up and we are relaxing, watching some silly show on TV.

I love these moments because they are getting to be few and far between.

A few minutes pass by.

Kaylee farts. It is big and it is loud. And might possibly be able to peel the paint off the walls.

It is rotten.

*crickets*

She says nothing. Doesn't even acknowledge that she tooted.

I look at her. "Really? REALLY?? Something along the lines of "Excuse me" might be appropriate. Don't you think?"

She sits up and looks at me. "I'm sorry. Excuse me for farting."

She is nowhere near being sorry. I am not happy with her apology.

So I say, "Excuse you for farting in my . . . ????"

And leave her to fill in the blank. I want her to say something like 'Excuse me for farting in your bed.'

She looks at me with eyebrows raised. She is smiling from ear to ear.

I am not prepared for what is about to come out of her mouth.

"Excuse me for farting . . . in my . . . butt?"

She melts into a fit of giggles.

Oh. . . my. . . God. . .

Totally not where I had wanted it to go. I am laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

I can not breathe.

I may have snorted a time or two.

Duh. Why didn't I think of that?

This kid cracks me up sometimes.

Through my giggles I manage to say, "I was thinking of something different but your version is way funnier."

Of course I had to share the fun with Randall.

So now every time he farts? He states that he has farted in his butt.

Obviously.

Farts are funny, people. At least they are around these parts.

Even more so after you have kids.

Really.

Ten Thought Tuesday

Hello Tuesday!

Somehow you sneaked up on me!

Time for some random thoughts!

Ready?

Here we go!

Ten Random things that have pissed me off within the last week:

10. Having to fill the sugar container before I can use it.

Seriously?

Do I look like the fucking "Sugar Fairy"?

9. My mother in law started cooking dinner again. But only if it's something she feels like cooking.

Really?

You are more than happy to throw together a crappy Rice-A-Roni dinner but when we asked for Mexican, you say no?

How shitty is that?

8. The fact that Randall volunteered "us" {and by "us" he essentially meant "me"} to cook said Mexican dinner.

Why would you volunteer me to cook without asking me if I even felt like cooking first?

He did actually end up helping in the kitchen, in case you were wondering.

7. Kaylee's teacher guilted me into going on a field trip this Friday.

Then three days later, guilted me into going on their 'end of the year' field trip.

And it's not that I mind going. I don't. Not really.

It's that I am agreeing to something two months in advance. She has no clue as to where the June field trip is going to be yet.

6. The clusterfuck that was Kaylee's test this past Saturday.

It was a big fail in the department of picking your child up. The hallway was filled with parents waiting for their kids. The test proctors only called the names of the children whose parents had been able to get to the table to sign the 'sign your child out' papers. But who wants to sign their child out before they have their child?? They were sending these kids out into this crowded hallway without even knowing if their parents were out there.

Every child that walked out of the room had a scared look on their face.

I am standing at the door staring at Kaylee. I look at this lady and say, "Seriously? My kid is sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Can I PLEASE have my kid?"

"You have to sign her out."

"OK. This is ridiculous. Don't you think it would have been wise to MAKE SURE EVERYONE knew they needed to SIGN THEIR KID OUT before they had their kid??"

"Well this is not my doing. I am just the test proctor. I didn't even know I would be doing this 'til eight o'clock last night."

"So not my problem. Can I have my kid? She's right in front of you."

"You need to sign her out."

By this time I am at my boiling point.

"I need the PAPER IN YOUR HAND before I can sign her out. This is really ignorant."

Finally I am able to sign this stupid piece of paper and retrieve Kaylee.

I look at her and say, "Let's hurry up and get out of this madness before someone goes ballistic."

5. The doctor in the ER Friday morning for being an ass to Randall at first.

4. Riding the city bus on virtually no sleep.

Yeah, I had to do that Friday afternoon. You would have thought my Father in law would have picked me up. Apparently sleep was more important for him.

3. The fact that my memory is not what it used to be.

2. Going into the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream only to find that the ice cream is all gone.

Especially when said ice cream was only bought 2 days prior.

First come, first served my ass. Someone in this house is an ice cream-aholic.

1. Going into the bathroom to find the roll of toilet paper has maybe three sheets of paper on it.

How fucking hard is it to change the roll of toilet paper??

I guess if I am the sugar fairy I have a license to play all fairies that happen to be needed at any given moment.

Life Got in the Way

I was going to write about the other day when Kaylee was outside playing. Talk about something she came across.

It will have to wait.

Life got in the way.

My father-in-law just took Randall to the hospital.

Gastroparesis kicking him in the ass yet again.

Sadly, I had a feeling this would happen today.

Randall just had that look about him when he woke up.

I hate when my intuitions are correct.

Now my stomach is in knots.

Kaylee is upset.

I cried. Kaylee cried.

And Randall is at the ER.

Hopefully he will be treated well.

Hopefully he won't have to be admitted.

Hopefully he will be home in a few hours.

Ten Thought Tuesday

I haven't done a Ten Thought Tuesday in a while.

Figured I would grace you with a little randomness from my little brain.

Ready?

Here we go!

10. Kaylee is taking a test on Saturday to see if she can be put into the gifted program in her school next year. She is uber excited. This means that she will either be sent to a different school or a teacher will be brought to her school to teach her.

9. To say that I am proud does not even begin to express how I feel. I am ecstatic that her teacher sees the potential in Kaylee.

8. Randall is thinking that Kaylee will do so well on this test that she will be put up a couple of grades. That scares me a little.

7. I have been roped into being a chaperone for a field trip next Friday. To a rock quarry. I am filled with sarcastic happiness.

6. My mother-in-law is still sick but she cooked dinner last night.

Kinda made me feel like what I had done for the last what? 2-3 weeks wasn't appreciated.

Almost passed out because afterwards father-in-law did the dishes.

What the fuck? He didn't offer not once the whole time I cooked dinner. Not once.

Oh well.

5. I have been extremely tired lately.

4. I also have an overactive appetite. I have been eating and eating and eating.

3. Have I mentioned that we are actively trying to get pregnant? Like I have been religiously looking at ovulation calculators and other things to help me determine when I am most fertile.

2. It was a decision that was made last month. I want nothing more than for Kaylee to have a brother or sister.

1. This is something I want more than anyone really understands. I can not explain my desire to have another child.

Maybe it's because I told Randall {after Kaylee was born} that if we didn't have another child by the time I was 35, we wouldn't be having another child.

Maybe it's because Kaylee is almost nine. That's a big age difference. But I really don't want it to get much larger than that.

Or maybe it's because Kaylee came to me the other day and told me that she wanted to be a big sister.

So we are trying. Really, really trying.

I will let you know if anything good comes from it!

Comfortable Silence

I went to see Randall today. {Yes, he is back in the hospital, again}

It was a good visit. I hadn't seen him since he had been admitted Friday night.

We talked about a few things. Talked about his Dad. Talked about the dispatching we do. Talked about me getting a job once I am able to get a valid ID. Talked about other various things.

But the best thing? Was being able to sit in comfortable silence. I wrapped myself up in it like it was a warm, cozy blanket. It was nice. I held his hand and sat there. Loving the time I had with him.

When it came time for me to leave, he stood up and gave me a hug. To have his arms around me, to have that comfort... Felt so good.

And in that moment? I cracked. The armor that I have been wearing for months now, broke into pieces. Before I could pick the pieces up, he noticed. And was instantly asking what was wrong.

I could not give him an answer because truthfully, I didn't have any idea as to why I cracked. I thought I had gotten pretty good at holding it all in until I could have a few moments to myself. Apparently, I have not yet become a master of those emotions.

But I finally got it pulled together, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and left. While I was standing at the bus stop I lost it again. Not bad. But bad enough when you're out in public. I got myself together before I embarrassed myself.

So I have spent my day being an emotional wreck.

Tomorrow will be better.

Ten Thought Tuesday

Tuesday!

Time for more randomness from the over-stressed mind that is mine:

10. Randall was released from the hospital Saturday afternoon. I have been mother hen-ish since he has been home. I would like to say that he won't be returning but I would probably be lying if I did.

9. MIL was in a mood last night and was mean to Kaylee. It came close to starting an argument. But I think that's what MIL wanted-- to argue, so I kept my big mouth shut. We have been down that road before and it wasn't pretty.

8. Filed our income taxes last night. The extra money will be helpful. Although, we're not getting back as much as we did last year. That made me sad.

7. One splurgy purchase with tax money will be a printer. I think I am the only person alive who doesn't own a printer. I am lame at times.

6. Hmm. Lame at times? That should probably say, "Lame all the time" but I try to give myself some credit.

5. Unexpected naps are nice.

4. My birthday is around the corner. Just a couple of months away. Wonder if I can hide from turning another year older?

3. I have laundry to do today. Mt. Clothesmore is sneaking up on me and is liable to cause an avalanche soon.

2. I want breakfast for dinner tonight. Eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy. Mmmm sounds tasty to me.

1. Of course since that's what I want, we will have something completely different. That's just how it works around here...

Have a Terrific Tuesday!

Worried Bitchiness

I am beside myself with worry.

I have been trying to keep Randall's being sick off of here simply because there is only so much I can say about it without it becoming monotonous.

But I have to vent. I have to.

Randall started getting sick on Monday. Out of nowhere. Nausea, vomiting, all the normal stuff.

I asked him several times if he wanted/needed to go to the hospital. He replied "No" every time. He kept saying that it wasn't the usual stuff. He said it felt like the flu. Which I was totally inclined to believe because he was fevered. So very, very fevered.

I did not sleep but maybe two hours Monday night. He tossed and turned and puked. And he was fevered. He was nothing but sweat. And would seek me out and try to snuggle with me. There is nothing in this world like having a cold, clammy and simultaneously sweaty man touch you.

Tuesday the vomiting stopped. He was able to sleep. He woke up in the evening still feeling bad but feeling better than he had been feeling. He could hold down water. Even drank some chicken broth.

I thought all was well with the world. I really should have known better. I should know better than to let my guard down so easily.

Because once again, Wednesday morning it all started again. I asked and asked and asked if he wanted to go to the hospital.

By the evening I was begging. I was in tears.

I was mean. No, I was an all out bitch.

At one point I stood over him trying to get him dressed and said to him, "I CAN NOT DO THIS ANY MORE! I AM DONE. FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU! I. AM. DONE! I have been strong since Monday but I can not keep it up. PLEASE GO TO THE HOSPITAL. PLEASE?"

I felt like a complete asshole.

You wouldn't understand if you're not living in the moment. And I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.

If he would just go to the hospital when it all starts, it might not be so bad. But he will wait and wait and wait until he is so weak that he can barely walk.

And that isn't fair. It causes harm to him and mental anguish to his family.

Don't take this the wrong way. I love him. I love him more than anything. It just gets really hard to deal with. Especially when it is week in and week out like it has been since before Christmas.

I know I have complained a lot about the in-laws. A lot. But I am thankful that FIL was here to take Randall to the hospital. When I am as angry as I was last night? I am no good at the hospital. I am full of attitude and bitchiness. Randall didn't need that. He needed someone who was calm and collected. Someone who could fight for him if it was needed and not end up in jail.

I could not physically bring myself to even offer to go. I helped him to get dressed. I helped him up. He told me he loved me and they were gone.

Randall was admitted, again. And once again, I have no clue how long he will be there.

I know I sound like a broken record. But I will selfishly ask if you will say a prayer for him. Please?

Ten Thought Tuesday

More weekly randomness from yours truly:

10. Is it wrong that I am having leftover fajitas for breakfast? In my defense, they are really yummy!

9. Randall is sick. Was sick all day yesterday and refuses to go to the hospital. Keeps saying that it isn't the usual stuff, that it's something different. Like the flu. We'll see.

8. I didn't sleep well at all last night.

7. He didn't sleep well either.

6. I plan on trying to take a nap. In Kaylee's bed. I am that desperate for a couple hours of sleep.

5. I don't think I will get much of a nap.

4. There are times that I wish it was possible to go back in time.

3. I would change a few things.

2. I need a vacation.

1. And maybe some alcohol.

Have a happy Tuesday!

My Dream

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I want to share with you,

My Dream

My dream is to be somewhere where the weather is nice. Warm, sunny and preferably with a lake or ocean nearby.

My dream is to own my own home. To not have to rent any more.

My dream is to live in said home without the in-laws. I have spent way too many years sharing space with extended family. It is time for us to be on our own.

My dream is for Randall to get better. For him to be healed. Since he has taken so ill, he is not the same person that he once was. Gastroparesis has changed him. There is not the same fire in his eyes that was there 2 years ago...

My dream is for Kaylee to go to college and make something of herself. I do not want her to make the same mistakes that I have. I am trying to give her the support that I didn't get. All I can do is hope and pray that she takes the right path.

In my head? This was supposed to be funny. Seems more melancholy to me. Not funny at all.

Ten Thought Tuesday

Random Tuesday thoughts from yours truly:

10. Randall was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. He wanted to come home so badly. After he got home, he says to me "I don't think I they should have let me out."

Wait... WHAT?!?!

This man called me and complained ALL DAY Sunday that he wanted to go home. And the doctor was an ass because he wouldn't let Randall come home... Blah, blah, blah.

It really is no wonder that I am worried all the time.

9. I weighed myself yesterday morning... Lost 3 more pounds!

YAY ME!

8. Soon I will have to break down and buy new pants. The ones I wear now are even loose with a belt. Pretty sure I look odd hiking my pants up as I walk.

7. I am still playing Ice Fairy... I'm going to start charging people by the cube.

6. There is a house nearby that is going up for auction later this month. You have no clue how bad I wish we could buy this house... The yearning I have for my own place is overwhelming at times.

5. I feel a little down.

4. I'm trying not to show it.

3. It isn't working so well.

2. *Crickets*

1. Hate when my mind goes blank. I have so much shit floating around in my head that it's hard to concentrate on one specific item...