Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom

Resolute

It's five days into the new year.

I stopped making resolutions eons ago. Only because I never made any that I stuck with. Ever.

They were the same every year.

Lose weight.

Stop biting my nails (happy to say I finally conquered this one. :)

Find a new job. (From when I was working.)

You get the gist, right?

I realized one year that there was no reason to make these silly resolutions that were forgotten almost as quickly as they were made.

And that was that.

I have not made a resolution in a good fifteen years.

And now we have this year.

2013

I still haven't made any resolutions. Instead, I have made a few goals.

I don't want to list them out here. Some are personal and I'm not ready to share yet.

But these goals were formed because I have had a feeling about 2013. This year is going to be different.

I can feel it.

This is my year.

Good things are going to happen.

I just have to grab the bull by the horns.

I will not sit idly by and let things pass me up this year.

This? Is my year.

It so is.

Hello, 2013. So nice to see you.

Few and Far

So it's clear that my posts are few and far between.

I think that's to be expected during the holiday season. But it seems like it's more to me. I have been posting sporadically for a while now.

I have things to say. I just don't think anyone wants to read them. And that's OK.

I started this blog for myself.

To write.

To process.

To heal.

Anyone who stumbles through is welcome to read and comment if they are moved to. But it isn't necessary.

I had thoughts of shutting this space down.

There comes a time when you reach a point and go, "What the fuck am I doing this for?"

I know that I will never be a rich and famous Blogger.

I don't plan on writing a book.

I don't plan on doing reviews.

I don't plan on doing giveaways.

I don't have a meme or link-up for everyone to join in on.

What I do have is my stories.

My life.

Past, present and future.

Daily life has been crazy lately but hopefully I can keep my posts from being so far and few.

Melancholy Mess

Maybe it's the weather.

It has been dark and grey for a few days.

Maybe it's the events of the last week that have left me wanting to pull my hair out. (I would elaborate but I just can't right now.)

Whatever it is, I am feeling down.

I am sad.

I am lonely.

Maybe it's because it's Christmas time and my heart just isn't in it this year.

Maybe I am missing my family.

I wish like nothing else that I could secretly get to Ohio and surprise my Mom.

Even though she guilts me and makes me feel bad, I miss her.

I have not seen her in four years. And I don't know how much longer she's going to be around.

That? The not knowing? Is killing me.

I may not ever be able to get back and see her.

That breaks my heart.

I am broken and drifting in a melancholy mess.

Hey there!

From the looks of my calendar, it is Tuesday.

Ready to ride the random train?

Here we go:

10. Randall's birthday is on Thursday. I wish I had the money to get him all the things that he wants. But I don't so he will have to settle for all my love and a nice birthday dinner.

9. I also can not believe that CHRISTMAS is right around the freaking corner.

8. I have done nothing. NO SHOPPING whatsoever has been done.

7. I am the queen of procrastination. Pretty sure.

6. Decorations haven't been put up yet either. By the time they are put up it will be time for them to be taken down.

5. Decorations are not my department. In case you were wondering.

4. It has been tradition that decorations get put up on Randall's birthday. Not my tradition. If it were up to me? Decorations would have been put up on the first of December. Whatever.

3. Still plugging along trying to find a job. . . So far I have heard nothing.

2. Trying to stay positive but it's hard.

1. Looking forward to the holiday season being over. This is my least favorite time of year.

What about you?

What's your random?

Taking a Step

I did something last night that I never, in a million years thought that I would do. . .

I was chatting with my sister via Yahoo! Messenger. . .

And we were just talking about various things.

Then we were talking about Dad. The 25th anniversary of his death was this past Monday. . . And she asked me if I remembered the night he died.

I responded with a yes. I was thinking about all the things I have shared here about that night.

She asked if I kept a journal.

I was hesitant. Because I don't in the respect that I have a book in which I write my thoughts and feelings.

I told her no.

And then changed it to "But I do have a blog and have shared some things on there."

We talked a little more and then I decided to share a post with her.

This is big for me people. I have kept this space here to myself since I started it.

No one outside of Randall and Kaylee know about this space.

And I shared it with my sister.

Told her that I wanted her to look around.

Read my stories.

See me.

Hi sissy.

I want you to know that you will find some links that will take you to a blank page. That is because I took the post down, a few months ago, as I didn't feel they should be displayed any longer.

Nothing against anyone. No bad words have been spoken. I just didn't want them to be "out there" any longer.

There are stories here that will probably surprise you. Things that I did as a teenager that no one knew about. . .

But I want you to know. These stories are me. My thoughts. My feelings. Me.

I want to list some posts out for you. . . I hope that's OK.

And a couple of funnies:

There is more here. Just take your time and look around. . .

If you want to that is.

Thanks for taking a little time to see me.

Love you.

Me.