See-Saw

I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of days.  Not something unusual when I have lots of things on my mind.  Those things bounce around in my brain and make it almost impossible to sleep.  Thus ensues the insomnia.

One thing that keeps circling is how people see me.  How people on the outside see me.

Most people?  See a strong willed woman.  A woman who takes no shit.  From anyone.

A woman who is a loving mother and a dedicated wife.

A woman who is strong.  Who has kept her family together through a lot of tough times.

A woman who has been the rock for her husband and her daughter since her husband became ill.

A woman who speaks her mind.

A woman who fights for what she believes in.

I believe that I am this woman.  I know she exists.

My problem lies in who I see when I look in the mirror.

I do not see the person everyone else sees.

The woman I see?  She is not a woman at all.  She is still a girl.

She is scared.  She is weak.


She is so quiet and shy that most would say she is backwards. 


She takes shit from everyone and just lets it build.  She never speaks up for herself.


She feels inadequate as a mother and even more so as a wife.


She keeps to herself.  


She is afraid of confrontation.


She sees glimpses of the woman she wants to be.


I am working on seeing the woman most people see.


I am working on being and becoming me.

Share

Comforts of Mom

Having a sick kid is never fun.

Having a sick kid over a weekend is even less fun.

Kaylee's field trip was on Friday.  She had such a good time.  I was glad.  The only thing she didn't enjoy was the fact that they had to eat their lunch on the bus, on the way back to school.  Can't say that I blame her on that.

When I picked her up from school, she didn't look right to me.  I asked her if she had been crying.  She replied with a resounding "NO, I have not!"

So I let it go.

Later in the evening, she started complaining about her throat hurting.

Uh oh, this is not gonna be pretty.

By eight she is completely miserable.  She is fevered.  Her throat is killing her.  She feels like shit.

By nine she is ready for bed.  Already in her jammies and coming to tell me she wants to go to bed.  Highly unusual for her since on Friday and Saturday she gets to stay up later.  I'm a softy and let her stay up 'til eleven on the weekends.

She tells everyone good night.  I head to the kitchen to get her a bottle of water.  I turn around and she is standing there.

"What's wrong Pumpy?"  Pumpy is short for Pumpkin, my nickname for her since she was born.

She croaks out, "I want you.  I really don't feel good."

And she walks to me, hugs me.  She's in tears she feels so bad.  She just wants some love and comfort from her Mama.

Who hasn't been in that position before?  Who hasn't wanted the comfort of someone special when they feel like crap?

So I wrap her up in a hug, kiss her on the head and walk her to her room.  I get her all tucked in.  "Will you lay down with me?  I feel horrible Mama."

Of course I lay down with her.  I have to be under the covers, she is happy no other way.  She snuggles up to me and lays her head on my chest.  Memories come flooding back of holding her as a baby.  How she needed and relied on me for everything.  How peaceful it could be to just hold her and watch her sleep.  I am saddened a little.  There won't be many more opportunities like this.

Tears are falling.  From her, even though I am a little misty eyed.  I rub her back and tell her to concentrate on going to sleep.  She moans and whines and cries some more.  I am doing the best I can to comfort her.  Finally, after about 20 minutes, she calms down enough for me to get up.  She isn't asleep but she is calm.  She is some what comforted.  She really didn't want me to leave.

I tell her that she will go to sleep easier if I'm not in bed with her anyway.

Ten minutes later she was fast asleep.

I wish I could say she woke up Saturday feeling all better.  I would be a liar if I did.  She felt rotten all day.

Sunday she felt a little better but was not 100%.  That means she was kept home from school today.

Hopefully she will be able to go back to school Tuesday.  She can be a real bear when she's been cooped up for such a long time.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Share

Stupid Choices of a Younger Me

I have been thinking about making some changes in my life.

Changes that I need.

Changes that will help better me as a person.

You see, as a teenager, I made some stupid choices where my life and my schooling were concerned. 

Early in my senior year of high school I decided that I didn't want to go to college.  People would ask what I wanted to go to school for and I could never come up with an answer.  There was nothing that interested me enough to pursue as a career.  So I decided that I would take a year off after graduation, to chill out and think and come up with something to go to school for.  No big deal.  

That was my first mistake.

Mid way through my senior year I met a guy at work, thought I fell in love and got engaged.  That's right, engaged, to be married.  And actually got married to this man three months after graduation.  

Before he and I got serious I had tossed around the idea of joining the Army or the Marines.  I had even been talking with a recruiter for the Army.  I was really close to signing papers and I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it.  

He was not supportive at all.  His worries were 'What happens to us when you move away' and 'Is there anyway that I will be able to come with you'.  He seemed way more worried about these issues than I did.  That should have tipped me off right there that he was not the one.  But I ignored those signs and decided not to join the Army.  All because of him.

That was mistake number two.

Mistake number three was getting married at such a young age.  I regret doing it.  All I can say is that I was young, in love with the thought of being in love and desperately wanted out from under my Mom's roof.  

I used him to get out of her house.  It is not something that I am proud of.  But in turn, he used me too.  We both worked and while my paycheck was used to pay all the bills he spent his paycheck on frivolous things like comic books, adult magazines and video games.  

I can remember having several arguments with him about how he spent money.  And telling him that we were married and that our money should be pooled and that I was majorly stressed out with the bills and couldn't do it all by myself.  Honestly, we acted more like friends with benefits than we did a married couple.  Needless to say, we didn't stay married.

So my need for change stems from some of the mistakes that I made when I was younger.  

What is the change?

I want to go back to school.  I want to further my education and become something.  Become something that my family can be proud of.  I still do not know exactly what I want to be.  I have a few ideas but nothing concrete.  

I also have to psych myself up for going back to school, as I have it in my head that I am too old to even try.  

I have a lot of thinking to do.  A lot of soul searching.  

I'm scared of the change that I want.

The best thing is that Randall supports me.  He wants me to better myself.  He wants me to feel good about myself.

I just really hope that I don't chicken out on it all.

Share

Then VS Now

I have been sitting here thinking about how things used to be.

How my life now versus my life before I had a child is so completely different.

The first thing to go?  My figure.  Kaylee is eight years old now, and I still haven't lost the 'baby weight' that I gained.  Granted I wasn't skinny when I got pregnant but I ended up being more un-skinny than I was before becoming preggy.  Although here lately, I have been on a solid losing streak where the weight is concerned.

I can remember before I had Kaylee, when I was a working woman who got to go play in the real world with other adults, I actually could and would take a shower every day.

And now?  I am lucky to shower 3 times a week.  It's not so much that I don't have the time to shower as it is that I don't have the energy to shower every day.

I remember a time when I would put on a little makeup every day.  Now?  Now if I put makeup on, everyone makes a big deal about it.

"Why are you wearing makeup Mama?" soon followed by "Can I put some makeup on too????"

"Did you do something to your eyes?  They look different."

Plus, Randall gets it in his head that he is going to get lucky.

Speaking of sex...

I remember when I wanted to have sex several times a week.  Hell there were days I wanted it several times a day!

Nowadays, I am lucky to actually want to have sex once a month.  It has nothing to do with Randall.  I am still very much attracted to him.  It has everything to do with the fact that I am tired.  I would much rather get some sleep vs. get some  (what's amusing is that Randall is the same way these days)

I remember having friends and acquaintances by the dozens when I was younger.

These days I have a couple of close friends.  I totally blame this on myself.  But then again, when I was younger, I was working.  I talked to people.  I had to have interactions with people daily so of course I ended up knowing a lot of people.  

When I was younger, I was way more bold.  Now that I am getting older?  I feel like I am closing in on myself.  More so in everyday life.  I physically shudder at the thought of trying to talk to some one in person.  More so if that person is a stranger.  Not so much online.  Online I feel like I can be more open and speak more freely.

You know what?

Everything happens for a reason.  All of these changes that I am dealing with are a part of me.  They are what makes me who I am.

Can I change some of these things?  Sure I can.  With a little hard work and dedication, anything can be changed.

I think we have all gone through some of these at one point or another.  It is all just a part of growing older.

Or at least that's what I am telling myself.

Have a wickedly wonderful Wednesday!

Share