Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: July 2012

Somewhere Along the Way Things Changed

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing.

WHO am I?

WHAT am I doing?

WHERE did the time go?

WHEN will things start to change?

WHY am I here?

HOW did I get to this point in my life?

All things that I think about at least once a day. At least.

I know that I have not grown into the adult that teenage me thought she would be. I can remember telling people that I wanted to become a doctor and start research to find a cure for cancer. I didn't want other kids losing their dads to cancer like I did. . . I have no clue what happened to that motivated little girl.

I remember through high school becoming tired.

I was tired of school. I didn't want to do it any more.

I almost didn't graduate because I slacked off so much.

Don't tell my Mom because I don't think she realizes that.

I had work and a boyfriend (who later became my fiancee and then my first husband) and I was just done with the bullshit.

There was also a time during my senior year that I almost joined the Army. Almost.

I had spoken to the recruiter several times. He frequented my high school regularly. I went and watched the videos and listened to the stories. And came THISCLOSE to joining. . . Then my soon to be hubby started asking me what would happen to "us". What would happen to him while I was away at boot camp and where would we live and would that mean that we would have to move. . . And so very many more questions-- from him.

I can remember not really caring what he thought (and that should have clued me in to something. Also probably why he's the ex-hubby now too). But eventually, because I cared for him and ~~thought~~ I loved him, I decided not to carry on with joining the Army.

I gave in to his wants and his needs. I put my hopes, my dreams on the back burner.

Something that I never thought I would do. Ever.

Somewhere along the way things changed. I changed.

That was the start of me doing for others to make them happy. My happiness didn't matter.

It is something that I still do to this day.

I put others before myself. Some may look at it as being selfless. I am starting to look at it as being stupid.

How can I make other people happy if I am not happy myself?

Parenting Fail

I don't remember ever reading or being told that parenting is easy.

So let's just put that to bed right this second.

Parenting is hard.

Really freaking hard.

There are no manuals. I don't care how many books you read while you were pregnant. None of them explain to you how hard parenting is really going to be.

You never dream, not even for an instant, how much your life is going to change as you are pushing your baby through your vagina (or having your baby pulled from your uterus if you had a C-section).

With all this being said, my daughter is ten.

And everyday she makes me feel like I am failing as a mother. Everyday.

I am always not doing something right.

I will tell you this, I am extremely lenient. Extremely.

I let her play outside with her friends. I let her ride her bike around the block.

I let her do most of the things that I wasn't allowed to do at her age.

I was restricted to playing in the back yard.

I wasn't allowed to go to any of my friend's houses to play.

I could only ride my bike in the driveway.

So I have tried to let her have a little bit of freedom. I have tried to just let her be a kid.

The biggest issue we are having is bedtime.

Another thing we have been lenient on.

During school through the week bedtime is nine o'clock. And on the weekends (Friday and Saturday) she gets to stay up until 11.

So far this summer, the earliest she has made it to bed has been midnight. Sometimes she stays up even later than that.

I know I am being judged right now. I know it.

You probably think I am some horrible mother for not adhering to a strict bedtime.

You are thinking to yourself, "YOU are the cause of your bedtime issue so you need to quit bitching about it."

It's OK. You can judge. I am woman enough to handle it.

Really.

It's not the actual bedtime that is bothering me. It's the attitude that is given when she is told that it's time to go to bed.

It doesn't matter what time it is. She whines and moans.

She equates staying up late to being an adult.

And I don't know what to do.

I am at the end of my parenting rope.

Screaming and yelling do nothing.

Sitting and talking does nothing.

I am at a loss.

I need help.

I've learned in ten years that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Are you ready for some random?

I know you are just like you know you are. . .

Or something like that. Heh.

Here we go:

What's your random?

Make some posties and join me!

A Crafty Mood

I like to make things.

I like to work with my hands.

But I also have to be in the mood to craft.

Sometimes the things I make turn out pretty nice. . .

And there are other times that they don't.

My latest obsession is making things out of duct tape.

Wallets, purses, bracelets. . .

The list of things you can make is only limited to your imagination.

Over the weekend I was inspired by the leftover 'legs' from a cut-off pair of jeans. The more I looked at them the more I could picture them being turned into something.

I have seen tutorials where people have used material for the inside of their duct tape purse. . . So I figured, why not put the material on the outside?

After about an hours worth of measuring, cutting material and taping things up this was the end result:

A Jeans-Tape purse with a coin pouch on the side!

This is now Kaylee's favorite purse. She carries it wherever she goes.

I had made her a duct tape tote bag for Easter this year as well.

She ended up carrying this to school as her 'backpack'.

So that's what I've been up to craft-wise.

Duct tape.

It also comes in handy when the kid gets mouthy.

Just kidding.

But only a little bit.

Hee hee!

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Linking up with Mama Kat and her Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop!

I chose prompt #5: Time to get crafty! Share something you've been working on.

The beautiful Mt. Rainier caught out the car window on the way home one day!

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Check out more pictures at: Wordless Wednesday.

Also linking with Julie from Angry Julie Monday

And Alicia at Project Alicia

What's your random?

Make some posties and join me!

When Plans Go Awry

Don't you just hate it when your plans get changed around when you least expect it?

I know I do.

Remember me talking about our Fourth of July plans? Well, those plans were tossed into the fire Tuesday evening after Randall was admitted to the hospital, yet again.

I should have known better than to have gotten my hopes up.

And even though they are Randall's friends? I was looking forward to getting out of the house and enjoying time with my little family.

Since Randall is in the hospital, I opted not to go.

I did let Kaylee go though.

Why let her holiday be ruined too?

And it's not really that the day was ruined. It wasn't.

We just didn't get to spend it the way we thought we were going to.

Kaylee had a good time and ended up spending the night. . .

Which left me with a night of kid free time. Which was awesome, in case you were wondering.

I missed my family something fierce yesterday. And at one point, as I watched the fireworks on TV, I became so lonely that I thought my heart was gonna break in two.

But I got over it.

I survived.

Kaylee survived.

Randall survived.

Hopefully next year we will get to spend the holiday together.

How was your holiday?