Shadows

Yesterday was not a good day.  At all.

Randall started getting sick early in the morning.  And it got worse as the day progressed.

So his illness is hitting him like it did over the summer.  A few days in the hospital and a few days at home.

His Dad took him to the ER at about 2:30 yesterday afternoon.  I was glad.  Not saying that I didn't want to be there, I did.  But I don't think I could have handled it this time around.  Watching him be so sick, especially in the ER, takes something out of me.  It fucks me up.  So I was glad to have a break from it this one time.

Didn't mean that I didn't worry any less though.

Time moved slowly and I was dreading going to pick Kaylee up from school.  I really thought she would be OK with me telling her that her Daddy had to go back to the hospital.  God, was I wrong.

I am always honest with her.  So I told her as soon as we walked out of school.

She started crying.  Big huge tears streaming down her face.

It was truly heartbreaking.  I wrapped her up in a hug.  As we walked home.

Today, I went to visit Randall.  He had a rough night.

He looked like hell.  Pale with dark, dark circles under his eyes.  He looked like a shadow of himself.

He was surprised to see me.  I had talked to him on the phone and he had told me not to come.  Told me that he didn't want me to see him like he was.  That only made me want to see him more.

He slept the majority of the time I was there.  Watching him sleep was peaceful.  He looked peaceful-- on the outside.  On the inside I know there is hurt and pain and turmoil.

During one of his little naps, I eye-spied a small pad of paper and a pen sitting on his table.  I grabbed it and started writing him a note.

I love you!  Please feel better soon... You have prayers and positive vibes coming from all over the place!  Please be strong.  Feel the strength in me & use it to help you heal.  

Love You Always & Forever, 
Your Babydoll

I didn't stay long, not like I usually do.  A little over an hour.  I didn't want to leave but he really wasn't up to visitors.

I gathered up my things, gave him kisses and left.

I hate leaving him.  I feel like I leave a piece of me there with him every time.

Not sure when he will be released.  I will keep you posted.

Share

Good Days and Bad Days: An Update

I know there are a few of you who would like to stay up to date with Randall and his condition, so I figured I would start doing a weekly update for you.


I am happy to report that Randall has made it 10 whole days out of the hospital!  This is quite an accomplishment, considering that at one point he spent 10 days in the hospital...  We are taking things day by day.  Which is really all you can do.  It is inevitable that he will be hospitalized again.  That's just how this stuff works, at least from what we have seen so far.


Randall has good days and bad days.


I enjoy the good days.


The good days look like this:

And kinda like this:

And maybe even like this:

Then we have the evil demon days that are bad days.

I don't like the bad days so much.  These are the days that I stay on edge.  These are the days that I worry myself silly.  These are the days that I hover like a protective mother hen...

Bad days are riddled with severe pain and nausea and cause Randall to do nothing but lay in bed.

Today was a bad day :(

Then we have the really bad days that produce vomiting that is non-stop and cause us to end up here:

This was from the last time he was admitted to the hospital...

Thankfully we haven't had a really bad day in about 2 weeks...  Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that it stays that way.


But that's about all I have right now.  Thanks to everyone who has kept my little family in their thoughts and prayers!  


Have an awesome weekend!

Share

Pour Your Heart Out

Here I go trying to get back into the swing of things.  You never realize just how much you will miss something until you don't have it anymore.  I totally missed blogging, it is my way to get things off my chest.  To vent.  To bitch.  To express my feelings and not be judged...  I can't do that IRL as it tends to start fights and arguments with the people who live with me (that would be the in-laws not Randall or Kaylee).


I have mentioned that over the past month, Randall has been sick.  This wasn't a cold or flu sick.  This was in and out of the hospital sick.  This was I was totally scared shitless thinking that he was gonna die sick.  During this past month we found out that not only does Randall have diabetic gastroparesis, he was also diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency.  Which has totally scared me.  And after reading more about it, I wonder if he might have Addison's Disease...

I would go visit Randall in the hospital and try to be as strong as I could.  I would come home and break down in tears, when/if I could get a moment to myself.  I tried really hard to not show Kaylee how concerned I was.  I have told Randall that I wish it was ME that was so sick.  I wish I could trade and it be me who has to be poked and prodded and endure the extreme pain that he is constantly in.  He says no.  He says that he couldn't do what I have been doing.  I know that if the situation was reversed he would be doing exactly what I have done, PLUS some...

During this time, Randall lost his job.  We are not without income (thank God for the dispatching we do from the house) but things are tight.  Really tight.  I'm pinching pennies so hard that I'm making them squeak...  Added to this stress, it has not helped that his parents have no income of their own.  His dad sits and waits for his unemployment to start back up...  He's a slacker...

This has left me in a state of constant worry and panic.  I have panic attacks at the drop of a hat.  I have trouble sleeping at night.  I worry that this bill can't be paid or that bill can't be paid.  I am trying to have faith that everything will work out and be OK.  I just hope that I don't worry myself into the hospital...

Share