Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: September 2011

I Seen it on the News

People?

Today I am guest posting over at No Longer Quiet, home to my friend Russell.

He is taking a blogcation and needed people to fill his space with awesomeness.

Who am I to deny anyone of my awesomeness?

I am over there talking about something I seen on the news over the weekend.

Do me a favor and go leave some love.

Now.

Doooo it.

Please?

I thank you and Russell thanks you. {Well, I'm pretty sure he thanks you. I'm not one to put words in peoples mouths. Not all the time, anyway.}

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I love you. No matter what, you are my Mom and I will love you forever.

I know that you are counting on us coming back to Ohio. I don't want to hurt your feelings. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. But I need you to know that we won't be able to move any time soon.

The truth is, I really don't want to move again. You have told me time and time again that we need to settle and put our roots down and show some stability for Kaylee. I completely agree with you. I told Randall from the time we half-ass starting planning the move to Washington, that I was done with moving. That I would not do another cross-country move again. And I meant it.

You know as well as I do that it isn't easy to just 'up and move' once your child is in school. Look at all the years you put off moving to Tennessee because you didn't want to take me out of the school I was in. All those years that held you there in Ohio. Although I believe you never really wanted to move anyway.

That is where I am now. I am not necessarily happy with where we are or the current situation that we are in but I don't see how moving across the country, to start over yet again, will make things any better than what they are already.

Contrary to what you might believe, I like it here. I like all the green and the lakes and the rain and the clouds. I am happy living here.

I have always heard that home is where the heart is. My heart is here in Washington.

I hope that you understand this decision and stand behind me in making it.

Love you,

Stasha

Have You Seen It?

After running behind last week, I am making up for it this week.

Read that as I am writing it Monday night. Because I am all organized and stuff.

Yeah. You're not really buying that, are you?

Didn't think so. But I am writing this Monday night. So there's that.

Ready for the Tuesday norm?

Here we go:

10. Looks like the rainy season has started. You will probably think I am weird, but I like the rain. So I am actually kinda happy.

9. I have started clipping coupons. Randall thinks I am a little nuts. I think he is scared that I am gonna go all 'Extreme Couponer' on him.

8. I don't want to be like that. I just want to save a money on the groceries we buy every month.

7. With printing out coupons, I am trying to be organized about it. So I have a folder that holds my papers that I have printed out. We will see how long this system lasts.

6. Yeah. Not really a system. How about. . . We'll see how long I will actually print out the coupons and remember to use them, lasts.

5. Anyone wanna place some bets?

Takers?

Anyone?

*crickets*

Didn't think so.

4. I have semi-organized my computer desk. I stress semi-organized. Because I don't think I have ever truly been organized.

3. I love being a parent. There are just some days that it exhausts me more than others.

2. Like tonight. Please don't make me ask you to do the same thing more than once.

Please don't make mama feel like she's going crazy.

1. Hmm. Too late. Pretty sure I lost my sanity years ago.

I'm looking for my sanity. Have you seen it?

Time Will Tell

Finally, after three days of being sick? Kaylee went back to school this morning.

Thank you, Baby Jesus.

Don't get me wrong. I love her more than the day is long.

But. . .

Oh. . . My. . . God. . .

She has drove everyone nuts.

Seriously.

I understand that she gets bored.

I understand that it sucks to be sick.

I understand that you can only watch SpongeBob so many times before you think you'll go crazy.

We pretty much kicked her out the door this morning.

Didn't care how she felt.

It's time to go back to school!!!

Mama needs her quiet time.

Then, walking down the driveway? I look at her and she is all teary eyed.

"Why are you crying??"

"I don't know."

"Why are you crying??"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Seriously, babe? What is wrong?"

"I'm afraid that Mr. C. is going to make me do all my make-up work in one day."

"Oh sweetie. Don't worry about that. Ask Mr. C. if you can bring some of it home, OK?"

She is snifflely as she wipes her face with the sleeve of her hoodie. "OK."

I wrap her up in a hug. Plant a kiss on top of her head. Wipe the remaining tears from her face. And send her on her way to face the day.

Sigh.

Maybe she shouldn't have went back today.

Only time will tell.

Yeah.

I am running behind today.

Shit happens. Deal with it. {God knows I have to. Heh.}

It is Tuesday.

And time for random thoughts.

Ready?

Here we go:

10. Kaylee stayed home from school again today. I am SO freaking ready for her to go to school.

9. She is turning into a wench bag. {She may or may not get that from me. But you didn't hear that from me. Heh.}

8. I am turning into one of those people who bitch about the weather no matter what it is.

7. Just wait til rainy season starts.

6. I am trying to get shit done. Unfortunately, I feel like I am being held back.

5. I made my own version of mac & cheese last night. It was YUMMY.

4. I wish I had more of a chance to cook. My MIL does 98% of the cooking.

3. I could say something but then it might start an argument. I don't want to waste my energy. I am trying to focus on keeping the peace.

2. I am trying to be upbeat and positive.

1. That is easier said than done. Seems like a big cloud of negative follows me wherever I go.

That's a First

Yesterday, Kaylee got up not feeling so well.

Stuffy nose, sore throat and a general feeling of yuck.

I immediately checked for fever to which there was none. I wasn't all that concerned. It is allergy season.

I fixed her some soup and gave her an allergy pill.

She seemed fine throughout the day.

She went to bed well.

I told her that we would see how she felt in the morning to determine if she went to school or not.

When I got up this morning to get her up? She was already awake.

"How are you feeling??"

"Better."

I feel her head. A little warm. Still not overly concerned. She had just gotten up out of bed.

"OK. If you still don't feel good you can stay home today."

"No. I'm good. I think it was just allergies, Mama."

And with that we start the routine.

Brush teeth, get dressed, brush hair, get school things together, tell everyone bye and head out the door.

We walk to the end of the driveway, just as we do every other morning.

I hug her, give her a kiss on the head and tell her to have a good day. Just like every morning.

"If you start feeling worse, call home and I will come get you."

With a nod and an "OK" she is off to the neighbor's house to get her friends so they can all walk to school together.

Five minutes later I see her walk down the driveway, alone. I figure that the girls aren't going to school.

Kaylee comes running towards me.

"What's up, babe?"

"Mama?! I really don't want to go to school. I do not feel good. At.all."

"Are you serious?"

She nods her head.

"I asked if you wanted to stay home today. Why are you just now deciding that you don't want to go to school??"

"I started feeling worse as I was waiting for J and B to finish getting ready to go."

"Really?? Kaylee I can't believe this. But if you feel as bad as you say you do, come on, we'll go back home."

By this point I am angry. I shouldn't be but I am. She was asked several times if she wanted to stay home.

As we are walking down our driveway towards the house, I almost make her go to school.

She made the effort and got ready. She should go.

But I don't.

We get inside. She puts her jammies back on. Gives everyone a hug and goes back to bed.

Wow.

Did I really just go through that?

Not sure that I handled it the right way.

That was the first time anything like that has ever happened.

I guess there is a first time for everything.

What would you have done?

Finding Our Groove

So thankful that it's Friday.

We now officially have a full week of school under our belts.

Our morning routine pretty much goes off without a hitch.

Get up, brush teeth, get dressed and head out the door.

Breakfast is eaten at school.

Mornings are as close to perfection as they can be. Knock on wood.

It's the night routine that has me seeing red every.single.night.

The routine itself doesn't change.

Jammies on, brush teeth, straighten up bed (sheets and covers), and tell everyone good night.

You would think that I am asking Kaylee to cross a hot lava river. She drags her feet. Procrastinates. Gives me attitude.

It has gotten to where I have Randall tell her it's time to get ready for bed because she doesn't give him any shit about it.

When I ask her it is as if she becomes deaf. Or, she starts whining.

I hate whining. I would rather poke my eardrums out with sharpened pencils than listen to her whine.

I have asked her on several occasions if she would like some cheese with her 'whine'. To which she replies, "Sure!" every time.

What a smart ass. {Don't know where she gets that from. Heh.}

I get angry about the attitude she gives me. She pouts. And sometimes squeezes out a tear or two.

That makes me feel bad.

I take a few breaths as she ~~procrastinates~~ brushes her teeth and then I apologize.

I give her a hug and tell her I love her. Tell her that the routine hasn't changed in years, she knows what to do and when to do it and I shouldn't have to get on to her the way that I do.

By the time she gets in bed? It is always about 30 minutes past her bed time.

Every night.

She is not stupid by any means.

She knows exactly what she is doing.

What she doesn't understand is that she is the one who is suffering because of her own stubbornness.

I have told Randall that when she hits the teenage years? He is on his own. She and I already butt heads and she is only nine.

I shudder to think what she will be like as a teenager.

What do I do? Am I too lenient with her? Any suggestions as to how I can get her in bed on time??

This Isn't Me

Who is this woman?

She looks like me but acts nothing like the person I used to be.

I was never this quick-tempered. Never this angry. Never this worried. Never this pessimistic.

This isn't me.

Not that I didn't worry before. I did. Just not like this.

I didn't obsess over it the way I do now.

I acknowledged the issue at hand and moved on.

Instead of focusing on the anger, I let it go.

Instead of the glass being half empty, it was half full. Always. I could always find the positive in the negative.

I am not sure when it changed.

But I have realized within the last few weeks that the person I have become is not the same person I once was.

The person I am now is not me.

I am working on finding myself. Working on finding the happy.

I realize that I can not do it all alone. I need help.

I have an appointment next month with a doctor. Just a normal MD. But I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can help me get back on track.

I hope that he can help me find the real me.

Remembering 9/11

Ten years.

A day that changed our country forever.

A day that changed everyone's lives forever.

You will always remember where you were and what you were doing on this day.

I was at work and heard about it on the radio.

Of course the early reports only speculated that the plane was a small commuter plane. No one suspected it was a commercial jet. No one suspected that this was something that had been planned out.

We all thought it was an accident.

The more customers that trail in, the more information I receive.

I start to get scared.

I call Randall at home. Wake him up. Tell him that something is happening and he needs to get up and turn the news on NOW.

He turns the TV on just in time to see the second plane hit.

He calls to tell me what is going on.

The radio reports the second plane.

I think everyone realizes that at this point, this was no accident.

My crew and I talk with our customers. There is so much information but no one really knows {or understands} what is going on.

Randall calls to tell me about the first tower going down.

I am shocked.

I am scared.

If this can happen in New York, what's to stop it from happening in my hometown?

My boss comes in to work. She lets me take a few minutes to go watch TV.

I work at a McDonald's inside a Wal-Mart so I head for the electronics department.

There is a crowd gathered around the TV's. The second tower starts to collapse.

We watch. Speechless.

I am in tears.

The sadness I feel for the families of the people who were lost is overwhelming.

It won't be until later, as I sit plastered to the TV, that I learn about the people who were jumping off the towers. Knowing that they were going to die anyway so they took their own life before the terrorists could.

I remember feeling angry. I remember wondering why someone would want to hurt us as a country like this.

And now, ten years later, I am still angry. Still overwhelmed. Still sad for the loss of life.

It is hard to explain this day to Kaylee.

She was not even conceived. Not even a twinkle in her Daddy's eye yet.

She does not understand why her parents are glued to the TV watching the shows about this day.

She does not understand why we get upset.

She does not understand why I cry.

I know she will understand, someday.

I just hope that she will never see a tragedy like this in her lifetime.

I don't want her to have to try and explain something like this to her kids.

First Day Back

The day has finally arrived!

We have been counting down for a couple of weeks now.

It is the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

I am doing the happy dance!

On the outside.

But on the inside? I am full of sad.

My baby is not a baby anymore.

She is now officially a Fourth Grader.

She no longer needs me to walk her to school.

Or pick her up.

She is strong-willed and independent.

She is going to ROCK her first day of school!

*************

Linking with Mama Kat today.

Prompt #3: First day of school pictures. . . Let's have 'em!

Pick a prompt, link up and check out the other posts linked up too!

Hope you had a decent Labor Day Weekend.

It is now Tuesday.

Which feels like Monday because Monday felt like Sunday because of the holiday.

Duh.

Did you follow that?

No?

Yeah. Me neither.

It is Tuesday. You know what that means around these parts.

Ready?

Here we go:

10. Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am all kinds of emotional.

9. So happy that school will be back in. I get my quiet morning time back.

8. So happy that Kaylee won't be complaining about being bored {or if she does it won't be to me}.

7. Sad because school starting means that summer is over. And while we didn't have an entirely sucky summer {i.e. Randall being in and out of the hospital like last summer} it wasn't really that great either. We were really limited with the activities we could do.

6. Sad because my little girl isn't so little any more. I know and accept that kids grow up. I am just in awe at how much she has grown over the summer.

5. The only thing that is keeping her my little girl is the fact that she still calls me Mama. The day she starts calling me Mom or Mother? Will be the day I die a little inside.

4. This year, Kaylee has decided that she will walk to school by herself (and also escort her two little friends who live next door). She also decided that I don't need to come to school to pick her up. She wants to walk home by herself too.

3. Of course, I will be waiting at the end of the driveway as she goes to and comes home from school.

2. That's one of the perks of living right across the street from the school.

1. I can not believe my kiddo is a fourth grader. It seems like just yesterday that she started kindergarten.

Where, exactly, has the time gone??

I Need YOUR Help!

I tossed out the other day that I am thinking about having guest posters.

For the most part, the reaction was good.

But people want me to come up with something for them to blog about.

People? I have a hard enough time coming up with things for me to blog about. Let alone me and someone else.

I need your help.

I need topics.

What would you like to see my guest posters talk about?

Any and all suggestions will be welcomed and considered.

Credit will be given to anyone whose idea I use.

Sound good?

Good.

You can leave a comment here or shoot me an email. Either is fine.

Thank you for the help!

Thanks to my friend Oka for suggesting that I ask for suggestions. Hee hee!