WHO am I?
WHAT am I doing?
WHERE did the time go?
WHEN will things start to change?
WHY am I here?
HOW did I get to this point in my life?
All things that I think about at least once a day. At least.
I know that I have not grown into the adult that teenage me thought she would be. I can remember telling people that I wanted to become a doctor and start research to find a cure for cancer. I didn't want other kids losing their dads to cancer like I did. . . I have no clue what happened to that motivated little girl.
I remember through high school becoming tired.
I was tired of school. I didn't want to do it any more.
I almost didn't graduate because I slacked off so much.
Don't tell my Mom because I don't think she realizes that.
I had work and a boyfriend (who later became my fiancee and then my first husband) and I was just done with the bullshit.
There was also a time during my senior year that I almost joined the Army. Almost.
I had spoken to the recruiter several times. He frequented my high school regularly. I went and watched the videos and listened to the stories. And came THISCLOSE to joining. . . Then my soon to be hubby started asking me what would happen to "us". What would happen to him while I was away at boot camp and where would we live and would that mean that we would have to move. . . And so very many more questions-- from him.
I can remember not really caring what he thought (and that should have clued me in to something. Also probably why he's the ex-hubby now too). But eventually, because I cared for him and
I gave in to his wants and his needs. I put my hopes, my dreams on the back burner.
Something that I never thought I would do. Ever.
Somewhere along the way things changed. I changed.
That was the start of me doing for others to make them happy. My happiness didn't matter.
It is something that I still do to this day.
I put others before myself. Some may look at it as being selfless. I am starting to look at it as being stupid.
How can I make other people happy if I am not happy myself?