I don't know where to begin.
I feel lost and lonely. Like no one else knows or understands the situation I'm in.
And really? No one does. No one. I.AM.ALL.ALONE!
I feel helpless when Randall gets sick. There isn't anything I can do to help him. Nothing. So we all sit and suffer through his bouts of nausea and vomiting. I cried the other night to get him to go to the hospital. It didn't do any good going to the hospital though... The only time the hospital helps him is when he is almost dead. So dehydrated from the puking that they HAVE to admit him and try to make him better. Otherwise they are clueless. We had hoped that maybe going before it got so bad might nip this flare-up of gastroparesis in the ass, but it didn't.
I hate his illness. I hate what it's doing to him.
I feel like in this year and a half since he's been sick that I have lost myself. I have turned into a nurse maid. I make sure he takes his meds. I pretty much cater to his every need. And I'm not complaining, not really. I just want it out there... I want you to know that I live to take care of Randall. Kinda sad and pathetic I guess but if he didn't have me he would have probably died by now. At least that's what he says.
So I kinda take it personally when he gets sick. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like a... failure.
Sometimes I wonder how everything ended up like this. I wonder if we're being punished by God for something that we did. Or maybe being punished for something that we neglected to do.
I don't know.
I just know that everything happens for a reason, right?