Lost in Life

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I don't know where to begin.


I feel lost and lonely.  Like no one else knows or understands the situation I'm in.


And really?  No one does.  No one.  I.AM.ALL.ALONE!


I feel helpless when Randall gets sick.  There isn't anything I can do to help him.  Nothing.  So we all sit and suffer through his bouts of nausea and vomiting.  I cried the other night to get him to go to the hospital.  It didn't do any good going to the hospital though...  The only time the hospital helps him is when he is almost dead.  So dehydrated from the puking that they HAVE to admit him and try to make him better.  Otherwise they are clueless.  We had hoped that maybe going before it got so bad might nip this flare-up of gastroparesis in the ass, but it didn't.


I hate his illness.  I hate what it's doing to him.


I feel like in this year and a half since he's been sick that I have lost myself.  I have turned into a nurse maid.  I make sure he takes his meds.  I pretty much cater to his every need.  And I'm not complaining, not really.  I just want it out there...  I want you to know that I live to take care of Randall.  Kinda sad and pathetic I guess but if he didn't have me he would have probably died by now.  At least that's what he says.  


So I kinda take it personally when he gets sick.  I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like I didn't do enough.  I feel like a... failure.


Sometimes I wonder how everything ended up like this.  I wonder if we're being punished by God for something that we did.  Or maybe being punished for something that we neglected to do.  


I don't know.


I just know that everything happens for a reason, right?










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3 comments:

Oka said...

I don't think punished is the correct word . He has diabetes, and believe me when it's not kept on top of, it lets awful things happen. I have watched my mom suffer through all types of incidents the past 40 years. A high percentage for not taking care of herself/diabetes the way should. It is truly a wonder how she has made it this long.

Diabetes is a warning to take care of yourself completely. When it's not done, it allows many other things sneak in, and most do irreversible damage.

I know this all sounds awful, but it's truthful.

My Mom is at her best when she follows the strict regimens set forth (which isn't often).

Worse, now with Mike having diabetes, I am at a loss. I watch him not take anything seriously. It's suspect he is already getting neuropathy. UGH. Hasn't done crap about his weight, which could totally turn the table in his health issues.

My mom gets clinically depressed, she has been sick for a long time (longer than the diabetes). I suspect Mike is too. Maybe you can discuss it with Randal's doctor (I want Mike too)

I love you sweetie, and while you are the only one going through your particular situation, there are others that have similar situations.

I will continue to pray for y'all!

Lisa said...

I hate that you feel like this. Your not being punished. I agree with Oka. I hope things start looking up. :) HUGS

kris said...

Well, I know you know you are not being punished. No god in whom I could ever believe would make that choice for you. Not.

I know these feelings are overwhelming.

Try not to lose yourself.

Even just a few minutes for you and only you will help.

Writing it down here will help.

I hope.

Wishing you strength, babe.

To add to the strength you already have.

Much love.

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