My Rock

The pain started in his back, just under his left shoulder.  We didn't really worry about it overmuch. .

He thought it was a pinched nerve.  It was acknowledged and we moved on about our business.

As the evening wore on the pain increased and started to move.

It wrapped around to his chest.

Shooting, stabbing pains.

We both became concerned when nothing we tried made the pain go away.

So in the middle of the night an ambulance was called and he was rushed off to the hospital.

It was there that we learned that he was, in fact, having a heart attack and would need to have an angiogram.

Right then.

No waiting.  From the ER to the Cath Lab in the span of a couple of hours.

There were two blockages that needed to be fixed immediately with stents. A third blockage was found but wasn't bad enough to need attention at that time.

I sat alone in the waiting room worrying that I might not see him again.

Exhausted from spending the night in the emergency room.

Stressed out from not really knowing what to expect.

That was almost three years ago.

It will be exactly three years on June 7th.

You know what's ironic?  On June 7th, Randall will be having an angiogram done.

Exactly three years to the day that he had a heart attack.

His anniversary.

Recent tests have given his cardiologist reason to believe that there may be more damage to his heart.  That the third blockage may be causing him grief now.

He may need another stent.

He may need to have by-pass surgery.

We won't know 'til the doctor is able to take a look.

The doctor is calling this preventative care.  If this were to go untreated it may end with another, more devastating, heart attack.

I am feeling all the emotions that I felt three years ago.

Shock that this is happening.

Worry that they will find something worse than what we are preparing for.

Apprehension that they will take him back and I won't see him again.

That is my biggest fear.  And while I am trying to push that thought to the very back of my mind, into the deepest, darkest recesses, it's still there.

I can not lose him.

He can not leave me.

That is selfish of me.  I don't care.

We have been through way too much for it all to end here, now.

We deserve to grow old together.

I don't think he realizes that as much as he needs me, I need him more.

I need him to be here.

I need him to be my best friend.

My shoulder to cry on.

My confidant.

My rock.


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My Ponderings

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