Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: With Him

With Him

I am spent.

I am not sure that I have the ability to be "the strong one" any more.

It is of no news to anyone that Randall is not a well man. He has many, many issues.

In 2009 he had a heart attack. At the age of thirty-five. He also had to have two stents placed into the arteries around his heart in order to help open up the blockages.

That was three years ago. And he is having troubles with his heart again.

It was confirmed last week (as he went to the hospital with mild chest discomfort) that he has in fact had another heart attack sometime within the last three years. As I type this, he is at the hospital because he started having chest pains again.

I am trying to hold it together. Really, I am.

But I am scared.

Scared that he is going to run out of chances at living his life.

He doesn't exercise. He smokes. He is diabetic. He stays stressed out.

There is only so much I can do. I am not his mother and I am not his keeper.

He is an adult and he is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Or at least that's what he tells me.

Hopefully his eyes will be opened and he will do what needs to be done so that he can watch his little girl grow up.

I don't want her to grow up without a daddy.

I want to spend my life with him.

Grow old and gray with him.

Share remembered stories with him.

Laugh and smile and giggle with him.

Take the trips that we've dreamed about with him.

Hold our first born grandchild with him.

Please God, Open his eyes and make him see that he is running out of chances.

We need him more than he realizes

***************************

Pouring my heart out with Shell today. . .

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

+1 Vote up Vote down

findmynewnormal 6p · 677 weeks ago

Visiting from PYHO. I can feel your fear while I'm reading this. I am so sorry you're having to go through all of this. Hopefully he will be scared enough this time to start making the changes needed to help him get healthier. But you're right, you can't make him change, you're not his mother or his keeper. But you are his wife and that should count for something. My husband is diabetic as well and I live in fear that something will go wrong and we won't grow old together. I nag him all the time about taking his medicine and exercising. He does well most times, but certainly doesn't exercise like he should. I lost a child a year and a half ago and my greatest fear is that I'll lose my husband next and end up alone. Hugs to you.

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

My biggest fear is being left alone. And the fear after that? Being left to raise our daughter alone.

While I know that I could do it? I don't want to. I want to be with him.

0 Vote up Vote down

Ducky · 677 weeks ago

I can't imagine such serious medical issues. How frustrating and scary for you. I would feel so desperate.... As a diabetic myself, I just don't understand not taking care of myself. I'm so sorry.
My recent post At Arms Length

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

I am diabetic also. . . Just recently diagnosed.

I neglected myself the last three months. . . Not sure why. I think it was because I was in shock over the diagnosis.

I have started taking better care of myself, solely because I don't want to go through what he has been going through.

0 Vote up Vote down

Oka · 677 weeks ago

I often question why others don't give it a good fight...then I look at myself and realize I am no better. Prayers for Randall, Kaylee, and you.

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

Thanks, Mama. Love you!

0 Vote up Vote down

Shell · 677 weeks ago

Sending prayers. xo

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

Thanks, Shell.

They are very much appreciated.

0 Vote up Vote down

@PhasesofMe · 677 weeks ago

Hugs, Mama. I hope he realize how much you guys love and need him. Sending prayers and positive energy.
My recent post Ah, Monday

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

Thanks, you.

I hope he realizes too. . .

Not sure what I would do without him.

0 Vote up Vote down

@TheMommyMess · 677 weeks ago

i'm so sorry! that must be very scary. Sending prayer for healing your way.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

It is scary when you're left wondering just what exactly is going to happen next.

Thanks for the prayers, they are appreciated!

+1 Vote up Vote down

Mama and the City 80p · 677 weeks ago

Awww hope he turns around. There is nothing more exhausting than seeing a loved one not working on being better. Hang in there. But remember, there should be only 1 sick not two, so do not over stress or over think the situation too much, your little one needs you w/o a doubt. The adult one, well...

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

Happy to say that he has set a quit date for smoking. . .

That's something, right?

0 Vote up Vote down

Kate F. @katefineske · 677 weeks ago

That is the worst fear - something you can't fix but need to rely on someone else to fix... Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...
My recent post Conversations with Myself

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

I could be all Naggy McBossypants on him but I have learned over the years that doing that, does nothing.

Thank you for the prayers, they are very much appreciated!

0 Vote up Vote down

Eternal Lizdom · 677 weeks ago

I say, if he's a grown man capable of making his own choices, he needs to start giving a damn and making better choices. It makes me angry. I'm angry for you. And it's also incredibly selfish in this situation to not make better and healthier choices. Grrr...
My recent post Hello!

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

You know what?

His cardiologist pretty much said exactly that today.

And I think maybe, just maybe, it might have made something click.

+1 Vote up Vote down

euregirlsandboys 70p · 677 weeks ago

Oh my, how hard. I hope this can be the wakeup call he needs to take better care of himself. My husband suffered with a lot of health problems at a young age, mostly due to alcoholism (he's now 3 years sober), but he still has more health problems than the average thirty-something male, I think. And I wish he would do more to make changes - I can't do it for him. His dad died when he was 43. I don't want the same thing to happen to him.

This is just so sad. I really hope he gets better.

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 677 weeks ago

My dad passed when he was 48. . . I was nine.

I don't want Randall to die at a young age. And I don't want my daughter to lose her father at a young age either.

I think, after a visit with his cardiologist today, that he will start making the right choices for him. His doctor pretty much told him like it was. And that is something that he definitely needed.