Ponderings of a Middle-Aged Mom: My Confession to You

My Confession to You

I want to write something.

I want to write something that people will identify with.

I want to write something that after it's been read, the reader will sit back and say, "Wow. She truly blew me away today."

I want to make you think. I want to make you feel emotion. I want you to feel what I feel as I write.

But it's hard to do.

Fiction writer I am not. I am a life writer. I write about my life. The past, the present and sometimes of the future.

I have to confess that while I do share a lot here, I have not shared everything. There are things I could write about that would probably leave you scratching your head and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

So I don't share any of that. At least not until now.

I am not the same person that I once was ten years ago. Or even five years ago. Or even 2 years ago.

There has been quite a bit of change on my part and not all of it is good.

I am about to share something with you that will probably leave you thinking "What the hell is wrong with her?".

I have always been shy. Always. Even around my family I am shy. I didn't break out of my shell until I started working when I was sixteen.

When I started working? Something in me changed. I loved meeting new people. I loved working with people. I loved being in groups of people and loved being the center of attention.

But since we moved to WA state things have changed. Like drastically changed.

I have no friends. Literally NO FRIENDS. None.

I don't like being out in public and can only handle being out so long before I start having a panic attack.

The only people I talk to are the people who live in this house. And sometimes the librarians. But mostly just the people in this house.

I feel completely out of place when I actually do find myself in a social situation. I usually end up being the wallflower. Except worse. If that is even possible.

I don't know if these changes have to do with my age. Or with the fact that I don't work outside the home anymore.

I just know that I find myself getting sadder and lonelier as the days go by.

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

0 Vote up Vote down

Shell · 691 weeks ago

Oh girl. I'm so sorry that you feel this way.

I often feel isolated because I still haven't found my niche here. I keep saying I'll try harder and then I end up not.

1 reply · active 691 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 691 weeks ago

Sometimes it's just easier to stay in the funk.

The worst for me? Not having any "real-life" friends to talk to.

Eventually something will have to give. I will either get out of the funk I'm in or become a full fledged hermit.

Sigh.

0 Vote up Vote down

Robin K · 691 weeks ago

You have a lot to offer Stasha. Keep talking to the "librarian" and keep writing! Is it Tuesday yet? You are part of why I look forward to Tuesday.

1 reply · active 691 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 691 weeks ago

Thanks. . . I do try. . . Things just always end up being awkward.

I know I am not the only socially awkward person out there. It just feels like it.

0 Vote up Vote down

@OneandOnlyOka · 691 weeks ago

I guess it's no surprise that I knew this about you already. I hate it for you though. I also know it can changes, but I wouldn't know how to help you. I know this because...when I was a manager for Meijer, I hired an Agoraphobic of 40 years. No joke, 40 years. I could never imagine being lonely for that long. Heck, I can't imagine being lonely for as long as you have.

2 replies · active 691 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 691 weeks ago

Sigh.

I hope it doesn't last 40 years for me. . .

I don't know what to do. . . But I guess acknowledging that there is a problem is a start, right?

0 Vote up Vote down

@OneandOnlyOka · 691 weeks ago

I would think acknowledging is important. I think talking to your doctor is too.

0 Vote up Vote down

Crystal @ PoM · 691 weeks ago

Hugs you. You already know how much I identify with this myself. I'm here if you need me.
My recent post Holidays In The Food Industry

1 reply · active 691 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 691 weeks ago

Thanks, you.

I have just sat back down in front of the computer after spending the evening with Randall and Kaylee. . . And I just feel overwhelmed. I want to cry. I hate feeling alone even though I am in a house full of people.

0 Vote up Vote down

Megan -Best of Fates · 690 weeks ago

I'm so sorry - but I know how you feel, sometimes it's easy to retreat inside and just stay there. But I hope you open up to those around you and help you feel less lonely. I'll be sending "together" thoughts yoru way!
My recent post And Then I Punched A Clown In The Face (My New Year’s Resolutions)

1 reply · active 690 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Stasha 77p · 690 weeks ago

I am really working on it. . .

My daughter and I started a Nutrition and Cooking class offered by our community center last week. . . I figure there is no better way than to jump in and start trying to be social again. . .

I have kinda sorta been making {almost} acquaintances. . .

I'm trying. . . That counts for something, right?

0 Vote up Vote down

Kaylee;) · 637 weeks ago

Mama i am always here if you need me. We can always walk somewhere. We can always go places where there are nice people. Call up some of you're old friends, look them up on the internet. But if you ever need to vent. Come to me. We are both girls and we usually agree on things. AND maybe me and you could go for walks so you could get out of the house more. Well, back to the point. I WILL BE HERE.