I have been thinking about making some changes in my life.
Changes that I need.
Changes that will help better me as a person.
You see, as a teenager, I made some stupid choices where my life and my schooling were concerned.
Early in my senior year of high school I decided that I didn't want to go to college. People would ask what I wanted to go to school for and I could never come up with an answer. There was nothing that interested me enough to pursue as a career. So I decided that I would take a year off after graduation, to chill out and think and come up with something to go to school for. No big deal.
That was my first mistake.
Mid way through my senior year I met a guy at work, thought I fell in love and got engaged. That's right, engaged, to be married. And actually got married to this man three months after graduation.
Before he and I got serious I had tossed around the idea of joining the Army or the Marines. I had even been talking with a recruiter for the Army. I was really close to signing papers and I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it.
He was not supportive at all. His worries were 'What happens to us when you move away' and 'Is there anyway that I will be able to come with you'. He seemed way more worried about these issues than I did. That should have tipped me off right there that he was not the one. But I ignored those signs and decided not to join the Army. All because of him.
That was mistake number two.
Mistake number three was getting married at such a young age. I regret doing it. All I can say is that I was young, in love with the thought of being in love and desperately wanted out from under my Mom's roof.
I used him to get out of her house. It is not something that I am proud of. But in turn, he used me too. We both worked and while my paycheck was used to pay all the bills he spent his paycheck on frivolous things like comic books, adult magazines and video games.
I can remember having several arguments with him about how he spent money. And telling him that we were married and that our money should be pooled and that I was majorly stressed out with the bills and couldn't do it all by myself. Honestly, we acted more like friends with benefits than we did a married couple. Needless to say, we didn't stay married.
So my need for change stems from some of the mistakes that I made when I was younger.
What is the change?
I want to go back to school. I want to further my education and become something. Become something that my family can be proud of. I still do not know exactly what I want to be. I have a few ideas but nothing concrete.
I also have to psych myself up for going back to school, as I have it in my head that I am too old to even try.
I have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of soul searching.
I'm scared of the change that I want.
The best thing is that Randall supports me. He wants me to better myself. He wants me to feel good about myself.
I just really hope that I don't chicken out on it all.