Stupid Choices of a Younger Me

I have been thinking about making some changes in my life.

Changes that I need.

Changes that will help better me as a person.

You see, as a teenager, I made some stupid choices where my life and my schooling were concerned. 

Early in my senior year of high school I decided that I didn't want to go to college.  People would ask what I wanted to go to school for and I could never come up with an answer.  There was nothing that interested me enough to pursue as a career.  So I decided that I would take a year off after graduation, to chill out and think and come up with something to go to school for.  No big deal.  

That was my first mistake.

Mid way through my senior year I met a guy at work, thought I fell in love and got engaged.  That's right, engaged, to be married.  And actually got married to this man three months after graduation.  

Before he and I got serious I had tossed around the idea of joining the Army or the Marines.  I had even been talking with a recruiter for the Army.  I was really close to signing papers and I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it.  

He was not supportive at all.  His worries were 'What happens to us when you move away' and 'Is there anyway that I will be able to come with you'.  He seemed way more worried about these issues than I did.  That should have tipped me off right there that he was not the one.  But I ignored those signs and decided not to join the Army.  All because of him.

That was mistake number two.

Mistake number three was getting married at such a young age.  I regret doing it.  All I can say is that I was young, in love with the thought of being in love and desperately wanted out from under my Mom's roof.  

I used him to get out of her house.  It is not something that I am proud of.  But in turn, he used me too.  We both worked and while my paycheck was used to pay all the bills he spent his paycheck on frivolous things like comic books, adult magazines and video games.  

I can remember having several arguments with him about how he spent money.  And telling him that we were married and that our money should be pooled and that I was majorly stressed out with the bills and couldn't do it all by myself.  Honestly, we acted more like friends with benefits than we did a married couple.  Needless to say, we didn't stay married.

So my need for change stems from some of the mistakes that I made when I was younger.  

What is the change?

I want to go back to school.  I want to further my education and become something.  Become something that my family can be proud of.  I still do not know exactly what I want to be.  I have a few ideas but nothing concrete.  

I also have to psych myself up for going back to school, as I have it in my head that I am too old to even try.  

I have a lot of thinking to do.  A lot of soul searching.  

I'm scared of the change that I want.

The best thing is that Randall supports me.  He wants me to better myself.  He wants me to feel good about myself.

I just really hope that I don't chicken out on it all.


Lisa said...

Go for it! You have the want to and Randall's support go go go!

Oka said...

Girl you better not chicken out. I will never let it go. And you know I'm not lying.

Who are you kidding too old. I won't be going back to school until I am 40. If I can do it at 40, I know you can do in your early 30's. Girl I have older friends than me going back to school. It's the norm when getting out of a depression. We must further educate ourselves to be competitive in the work force. You will be amazed how many 40 and 50 somethings are in school right now.

We have some similarities in our stories (and many differences) wait until my PYHO next week.

The Redhead Riter said...

"I also have to psych myself up for going back to school, as I have it in my head that I am too old to even try."

You are never too old to improve yourself. The things you learn whether applied to a career, family or self, are yours to keep always. Go back to school especially since you have support! It doesn't get better than that and you should jump on the opportunity.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

My Ponderings

2011 can suck it. (2) 4th Grade (1) 9/11 (1) A decade feels like forever but it is only a drop in the bucket of life. (1) A picture is worth a thousand words. (1) abortion (1) Acknowledge and let go. (1) And then my head exploded. (1) Arguing doesn't solve anything (1) awkward (1) Awkwardness (1) Back to School (3) Bad decisions (1) Being sick sucks. (2) Beyond the Cracks (1) birthday (4) Cancer can SUCK IT. (1) Cancer sucks for animals as well as humans. (1) Change is what you make it. (1) Choices (2) Consensus on twitter? I am not alone in my feelings. Heh. (1) craziness (2) Daddy (5) Daddy passed away from lung cancer 2 years later. (1) Decisions (3) diabetes (4) distractions (1) Double Digits (1) Dreams (1) Driver2 really does have a crush on me. (1) duct tape crafts (1) Dysfunctional families (1) Embarrassed (1) Emotional scars heal but they still leave behind pain. (1) Facebook has let me down. (1) family (40) Farts are funny (2) fiction (1) Fireworks are AWESOME (1) Friendships Lost (1) Fuck you very much (1) funny (18) gastroparesis (13) Getting my days mixed up means I'm getting old. PFFFFFT. Whatever. (1) growing up (10) Guest Posting (2) Happy Birthday Daddy. (1) Happy Birthday Kaylee (1) HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY (2) healing (1) Heart attacks are no joke. (1) heart health (2) Hidden away in a journal (1) holidays (6) hookers (1) hospital (12) humor (3) I am not a Freaking FAIRY (1) I am the female version of Weird Al. (1) I did not feel this way being pregnant with Kaylee. (1) I don't like being mean but sometimes it's necessary. (1) I feel close to my sister again. (1) I get a kick out of irritating people. (1) I giggle at inappropriateness (1) I hate being accused of something I didn't do. (1) I hate when the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. (1) I have only been drunk once and No I didn't eat before hand. It wasn't pretty. (1) I just want to PEE IN PEACE. Is that so wrong? (1) I know I am WAY TOO LENIENT. I KNOW. (1) I like making things out of duct tape. (1) I look forward to June (1) I love my family more than words can express. (1) I love Randall more than words (2) I love twitter. (2) I married the man in this story on September 11th 1996. (1) I miss my sister (1) I need him as much if not more than what he needs me. (1) I realize now just how badly things COULD have turned out. Didn't think about it then. (1) I really wouldn't grab my doctors balls. But it's funny to think about. Isn't it? (1) I said 'fuck' a lot. Sorry. (1) I was a good girl once. Really. (1) I will not be treated like my opinion doesn't count ANYMORE (1) I will not win Parent of the Year for 2012. That's for sure. (1) I wish I had the guts to say all of this to my Mom. (1) I would never duct tape the kid but I HAVE thought about it. Heh. (1) I would rather be pissed off than pissed on. Hee hee. (1) If I'm my own rock does that make me Bipolar? NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE (1) If only life were as easy as it is in movies. (1) In my head (1) In the Moment (1) Insomnia sucks (4) irritation (2) It's no fun being in the ER (1) Jealousy (1) Karma (1) kaylee (49) Kaylee was conceived BECAUSE of 9/11. (1) Kaylee will always be my baby no matter how old she is. (1) Less Than (1) Let me be. (1) life (120) Listen up 2012. . . I will have none of this suckass-ness already. (1) Living life in the PNW. (1) Living unfiltered (1) living with diabetes (3) Looking for my sanity. Have you seen it? (1) Looking for my voice. Have you seen it? (1) Losing a parent when you are nine is hard. (1) love (22) M'mmm FOOD. (1) May 10 2012 (1) me (17) memories (19) mental abuse (1) miscarriage (1) Mom (4) Mom of the year here I come. (2) MOM? I'M BOOORRRREEEDDD. (2) Motherhood (2) Mt. Rainier (1) My doctor? Also put me on a prenatal vitamin. I am not preggy. He said it's good for me. He might be nuts. (1) My feelings get hurt often. (1) My organizational skills are lacking. (2) Nisqually National Wildlife Refuge (1) No compassion (1) Not sure what caused the pain. Wonder if it was just stress? (1) Oh the places I'd go. (1) Only a Daydream (1) Organized Chaos (1) Pain in the Chest (1) Parenting (4) Parenting Fail (1) Parenting is hard yo. (1) pondering (6) pour your heart out (10) prayer (4) pregnancy (1) Pretty sure the snooze button is the devil. (1) Questions from Kris (2) Quiet morning time is quite enjoyable. (1) ramble (7) Randall (46) random (18) Randomness from Me :) (32) Release The Krackens (1) remembrance (2) Respect (1) routines (1) sad (6) Sad and Romantic (1) sadness (3) Salmon is still pink no matter what any man says (1) Save the Drama for your Mama. (1) secondary adrenal insufficiency (3) Secret guilty pleasures are no longer secret. Heh. (1) sexual abuse (1) Shadows of the Past (2) She dropped a bomb on me. (1) She is me. Obviously. (1) siblings (1) sickness (24) Sigh (6) Silence is golden. Then you remember you have kids. (1) silliness (5) sisterhood (2) snarky (2) Some people might be inclined to think she was being taken advantage of. She has considered this. (1) Some things make me feel really old (2) Sometimes smoke and mirrors are used to keep you from seeing the real me. (1) Somewhere along the way things changed (1) Sprouting boobies would be funny (1) Squeaky McSqueakerson (1) stress (9) Ten Thought Tuesday (43) Ten Years Ago Today (1) That girl can SING (1) The Land of WA. (1) the man here was three times older than me. (1) Things that make me laugh (2) Things that rattle around in my head (1) Thinking about giving up the whole blogging thing. . . Really. (1) This is a touchy subject. (1) This is not about Randall or Kaylee. (1) This is only part of the story. The other half belongs to Randall. I can only tell my part. (1) This post is WAY WAY longer than it should be. Sorry. (1) This time of year is hard for me. If I could I would crawl in a hole and hide until February. (1) This was one of the hardest things I have ever done (1) Thoughtfulness (2) Time will tell (1) Today is my Birthday. (1) Tootin' (1) Trying to heal from things of the past (1) twitter (1) unexpected lessons (1) Unexpected things (1) Used to love using the posties. . . Decided to use them today. (1) We are still walking on the same path together. (1) We need some good around here right now. (1) What do you think? (1) What the fuck is wrong with me? (1) What would you do? (1) What? (1) Who daydreams about being old and gray? THIS CHICK DOES. What? (1) With Him (1) Wordless Wednesday (9) Writer's Workshop (8) WTF? (1) Yes I DO shop at thrift stores. (1) You are dead to me if you don't like bacon. OK. Not really. (1) You might learn more than you want to about me (1)